Financial aspects of getting married (dating, marriage, love, single)
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If you were getting married and given the following:
your spouse to be had a very insignificant net worth compared to yours, say $5000 compared you your $250,000
your spouse to be made half your income, say you made $120,000/yr and they made $60,000/yr
AND your fiance has already indicated that they will not sign a pre-nup would you:
a) still go through with the marriage?
b) keep your pre-marital assets separate? what would you do if your spouse to be got offended that you were not co-mingling your existing net worth and thought it was distrustful to keep separate money?
Also, due to their almost zero net worth would you be ok bearing the full costs of the wedding (would you downsize it since you were the sole bearer of the expenses?) and also the full cost of the honeymoon and POSSIBLY the bulk of the downpayment on any home you would buy together since they would not be able to contribute towards that. This is also in addition to buying the engagement ring.
I didn't have as much money as you do, but I went through with the marriage and paid for the wedding and honeymoon. We both agreed that that we should keep separate bank accounts until he was out of debt and finished with school.
When we divorced, we were both grown-ups about it, and agreed that we'd leave the marriage with what we came into it. Also, as I bought the furniture, it was mine, as well. But, see, my ex and I were friends for well over a year before we even started dating, so we had that friend-respect going on again once we separated. We never bought real estate, though.
I suggest that you don't spend a ton of money on a wedding, and that you stand your ground if she starts talking about inviting a ton of people.
I think pre-nups are b.s. For one thing, they're not all that enforceable. For another, as someone stated in another thread, if you move to a different state, that may render them void.
If you don't trust that your fiance isn't going to work you over, I suggest you don't get married.
idk, it's money, who cares?
i'd like our kids to be brought up well, and for our retirement to be comfortable...but beyond that, money doesn't matter to me much.
and no, if she were much poorer than i am (as if that's possible...) it wouldn't be too much of a big deal, though she'd need to expect to work in some capacity, especially if there are no kids...
If you were getting married and given the following:
your spouse to be had a very insignificant net worth compared to yours, say $5000 compared you your $250,000
your spouse to be made half your income, say you made $120,000/yr and they made $60,000/yr
AND your fiance has already indicated that they will not sign a pre-nup would you:
a) still go through with the marriage?
b) keep your pre-marital assets separate? what would you do if your spouse to be got offended that you were not co-mingling your existing net worth and thought it was distrustful to keep separate money?
Also, due to their almost zero net worth would you be ok bearing the full costs of the wedding (would you downsize it since you were the sole bearer of the expenses?) and also the full cost of the honeymoon and POSSIBLY the bulk of the downpayment on any home you would buy together since they would not be able to contribute towards that. This is also in addition to buying the engagement ring.
If you are having second thoughts and doubts about becoming married, it is better to call the wedding off than having to deal with the heartache of divorce a few years later.
You posted "and your fiance has already indicated that they will not sign a pre-nup", assuming you wanted one. This will be a major red flag. This is not a prenup debate, this is a "why does the fiance have to call all the shots" discussion. Why is there no middle ground? Why do you NOT have any say-so in the financial planning of your marriage?
If you realize that there are red flags or problematic issues in your relationship, don't ignore them or delude yourself into thinking that the red flags aren't that important or that someone you love will change. It does take more than love to have a successful marriage.
Understanding that the only constant in life is change, the right person is willing to discuss marriage issues, questions, and topics with you both before and after you get married.
You seem to be a very grounded, successful, logical person. Do not rush into things. Think it through and make a decision that will benefit you and your fiance in the LONG run.
obviously nobody wants to get divorced and that is not the train of thought when one wants to get married but what is scary is this:
The higher earning spouse has to pay alimony to the other. What makes this unfair is that it completely takes all the choices of the person to move on with his life and it is essentially slavery. After the divorce what if I am not well and can't work? What if I choose another profession that pays significantly less? What if I want to retire? (assuming children are grown up) From what I gather the court can take "earning ability" which it equates to the average income over your career and mandate that you pay based on that future income so you can't even quit your job...you are forced to work? That is absolutely insane in my opinion.
Also, the argument that the marital standard of living needs to be preserved for the lower earning spouse does not make much sense at all. Married people enjoy a much higher standard of living due to much higher joint income and sharing of resources, when people divorce not only a lot of their net worth is lost but also the joint income and the ability to share resources such as housing. This results in a much lower standard of living for both. Now, why is there a mandate that there should be alimony from the higher earning spouse to maintain the lower earning spouses "marital standard of living"? This defies logic.
If the person you were going to marry once said "When I get pregnant my husband would have to do do everything around the house...yeah, I am going to milk that situation", what would you make of that statement? I am not sure if it was said in jest? Is it worth discussing this because it will invariably result in a huge fight I think.
BTW, what do you consider is not a lot of money on a wedding and a ring?
To me, it all comes down to trust. I trust my husband 100% so money is not an issue. I trust that we will work through our problems together and I trust that if heaven forbid we should not be able to work things out - both of us are good people and would wish each other no lasting harm.
I know people say that people divorce over money - but that is a symptom and not the problem.
obviously nobody wants to get divorced and that is not the train of thought when one wants to get married but what is scary is this:
The higher earning spouse has to pay alimony to the other. What makes this unfair is that it completely takes all the choices of the person to move on with his life and it is essentially slavery. After the divorce what if I am not well and can't work? What if I choose another profession that pays significantly less? What if I want to retire? (assuming children are grown up) From what I gather the court can take "earning ability" which it equates to the average income over your career and mandate that you pay based on that future income so you can't even quit your job...you are forced to work? That is absolutely insane in my opinion.
Also, the argument that the marital standard of living needs to be preserved for the lower earning spouse does not make much sense at all. Married people enjoy a much higher standard of living due to much higher joint income and sharing of resources, when people divorce not only a lot of their net worth is lost but also the joint income and the ability to share resources such as housing. This results in a much lower standard of living for both. Now, why is there a mandate that there should be alimony from the higher earning spouse to maintain the lower earning spouses "marital standard of living"? This defies logic.
If the person you were going to marry once said "When I get pregnant my husband would have to do do everything around the house...yeah, I am going to milk that situation", what would you make of that statement? I am not sure if it was said in jest? Is it worth discussing this because it will invariably result in a huge fight I think.
BTW, what do you consider is not a lot of money on a wedding and a ring?
No, that's not necessarily true about the alimony. Plenty of divorces, such as mine, where there was none, and it wasn't even discussed--or I'd be the one paying it! (Maybe. I think a judge would have nixed it had my ex tried.) None of my divorced siblings ever received alimony, either. Child support, yes, as both parents have a financial responsibility to their kids. But not alimony. Your fiancee has already shown that she can support herself. There are plenty of threads about alimony on here. I suggest you read them.
Regarding the rest, sure I can respond to your questions, but the fact is that you seem to be having serious doubts about your fiancee's intentions. How can you not know her well enough to tell whether she's kidding around about "milking the situation" when she's pregnant? Or what is and is not a lot of money to spend on a ring and wedding? No offense, but you should have known all of this long before proposing.
You really don't sound like you are ready for marriage at all.
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