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I think my wife has mild BPD. She's middle aged and still working. I qualify for reduced SS at 62. We've had our ups and downs over 35 years, mostly downs. She used to be much worse but has mellowed somewhat, yet here are the last two fights:
1. I want to collect my SS. She still works at a high-paying job and has no deductions so her taxes are high, though she makes a max contribution to her 401. I always offered to put the SS into a travel account for her since she likes to take cruises with her sisters once a year (I can't go). When I politely asked if it would be okay to file separately so I would not have her income reducing my benefit, she got really angry and called me selfish for not thinking of her tax situation and how she needs me to file jointly with her to reduce her taxes. So who has the better plan--her or me? My reduced benefit is abut $650/mo. Her tax liability is about the same w/o me filing jointly.
2. Our washer/dryer broke down after 4 years. She's very hard on machines. She uses an article of clothing once and then washes it. Sweaters, pants, towel, blouses. I use a towel dozens of times before washing it. Some might say, "Yuck" but I figure my body is clean when I use it so it's totally unnecessary to wash a towel after one or two uses. Needless to say she's using the machine several times a week and BIG loads which naturally put a grind on the machine. I've warned her time and time again she's overtaxing the machine by putting such big loads in it. In one ear and out the other. So when the motor finally gave out (on her turn to wash, naturally) I said, "So we'll go halfs on the new machine. I'll finance my half with my CC. I know you like to pay cash on your half." You'd thought I asked for a divorce. She was extremely hurt saying, "Everything is separate with you--split this, split that. I don't feel like we're together on anything. It's just yours and mine, not ours." Later after she cooled down, she came to me and said, "Please don't ask to split our expenses like that. I'll pay my part, but I just don't want you making it so obvious that you want to go half like our finances are totally separate. It makes me feel like we have no future together."
So was I insensitive or is she hyper-sensitive? If I'm a heel please tell me so. I really need to understand this.
you are married, so traditionally everything is joint not you pay this half i pay that half. BUT each situation is different and therefore it is impossible for us to say what is right in your marriage. all i will say is if it offends her, then obviously the way you are doing it is not working.
as far as washing clothes go, next time buy a better machine. we wash 2-3 large loads of clothes a day and our machine is now almost 15 years old. towels are used 1-2 times then washed, waiting longer is just letting mold/mildew grow on them. Everytime you dry off you are wiping dead skin cells off onto a now moist incubator. it does nto take long for bacteria to start eating away.
It sounds like you're living together rather than married. This should be a partnership, where you make decisions together based on the best outcome. I think you may be a little insensitive. I can understand being annoyed about the washing machine, but you could do laundry yourself (yours AND hers) as you are probably retired.
As for your SS, I suggest you wait to collect at full retirement age or even age 70 as your payment will be much higher. It sounds like you have the combined income to live comfortably now without your SS. Or, tap any IRA or 401(k) money now so you can defer SS.
Yeah, I'm with her.
What's with this split the cost of the machine business?
Interestingly, my wife does laundry constantly, too.
I don't complain about this because
a. she does my laundry, too
b. who the hell cares if that's what she wants to do?
Interestingly, my wife does laundry constantly, too.
I don't complain about this because
a. she does my laundry, too
b. who the hell cares if that's what she wants to do?
Yeah, I noticed my mother does laundry like that too. Who cares?
The splitting costs things is what roommates do, not husband and wife. I can see why she got angry, it's like a slap in the face. Women are sensitive about things like that. Why do you need to collect early SS? Is that part of your splitting things in half...you want your own income?
I think my wife has mild BPD. She's middle aged and still working. I qualify for reduced SS at 62. We've had our ups and downs over 35 years, mostly downs. She used to be much worse but has mellowed somewhat, yet here are the last two fights:
1. I want to collect my SS. She still works at a high-paying job and has no deductions so her taxes are high, though she makes a max contribution to her 401. I always offered to put the SS into a travel account for her since she likes to take cruises with her sisters once a year (I can't go). When I politely asked if it would be okay to file separately so I would not have her income reducing my benefit, she got really angry and called me selfish for not thinking of her tax situation and how she needs me to file jointly with her to reduce her taxes. So who has the better plan--her or me? My reduced benefit is abut $650/mo. Her tax liability is about the same w/o me filing jointly.
2. Our washer/dryer broke down after 4 years. She's very hard on machines. She uses an article of clothing once and then washes it. Sweaters, pants, towel, blouses. I use a towel dozens of times before washing it. Some might say, "Yuck" but I figure my body is clean when I use it so it's totally unnecessary to wash a towel after one or two uses. Needless to say she's using the machine several times a week and BIG loads which naturally put a grind on the machine. I've warned her time and time again she's overtaxing the machine by putting such big loads in it. In one ear and out the other. So when the motor finally gave out (on her turn to wash, naturally) I said, "So we'll go halfs on the new machine. I'll finance my half with my CC. I know you like to pay cash on your half." You'd thought I asked for a divorce. She was extremely hurt saying, "Everything is separate with you--split this, split that. I don't feel like we're together on anything. It's just yours and mine, not ours." Later after she cooled down, she came to me and said, "Please don't ask to split our expenses like that. I'll pay my part, but I just don't want you making it so obvious that you want to go half like our finances are totally separate. It makes me feel like we have no future together."
So was I insensitive or is she hyper-sensitive? If I'm a heel please tell me so. I really need to understand this.
No offense, but you did ask okay?
You are both way too rigid, but I can at least see where your wife is coming from as you want to treat her like a roommate.
Using a towel "dozens" of times is unsanitary - period. (Even when you have just bathed you are collecting millions of dead skin cells all over that towel every time you use it to dry off right out of the shower, which will produce bacteria - YUCK)
And judging her for wanting to wash something she has worn ALL day long but just one time is unfair and just wrong.
Rather than being too sensitive I'd have to say you are too INSENSITIVE.
I would have put up with this kind of stuff about a month into the marriage before we would have had a major "come to Jesus meeting"
Post your social security question on the city data retirement forum. There are some really good financial guys on there who can explain how best to maximize your social security payments, with all kinds of legal options, you'd be surprised at the things you can do with social security if you're married and will have two checks coming in..
The washing machine thing is ridiculous. Just go buy a machine out for the household budget. I'd get insulted too if you asked me to pay for half.
By the way, just had to have ours repaired too,- year old machine, needed a new motherboard. Paid a lot for it, still warranted but I was furious. Asked my repair person what he suggested as the best machine out there.
He suggested Speed Queen. Yes, most have never heard of it. But Spoeed Queen is the brand in laundromats, they now make small residential/ household models. They're designed to run all day trouble free.
Do you two always spilt the expenses?
She is the bread winner, and share a home and life, and yet you want her to pay half of everything?
If you didnt ask, would you have to pay for it all? Or is more unplanned, with whoever takes the lead pays the bill?
Sounds like you two have separate bank accounts. maybe creat a new bank account and deposit money monthly for bills and emergencies and such ?
As far as frequency of using the washing machine, it's probably a good idea to just let that go.
What is the financial arrangement ? She goes on cruises. Does she pay mortgage or any bills ? At this point you two probably own...
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