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Thanks for your advice. I agree we shouldn't get married until we are out of school for a bit and are settled down. But I have talked to him about this. He says he is in a difficult position because he doesn't want to upset his parents. He is very very close with his parents. He would never want to go against their wishes on anything. At least not without a 5 day fight where I have to threaten a break up, which is completely unhealthy.
It's fine to be close with your family but it's not okay to let your family get in the middle of your relationship.
Thanks for your advice. I agree we shouldn't get married until we are out of school for a bit and are settled down. But I have talked to him about this. He says he is in a difficult position because he doesn't want to upset his parents. He is very very close with his parents. He would never want to go against their wishes on anything. At least not without a 5 day fight where I have to threaten a break up, which is completely unhealthy.
he's not going to ask you to marry him. he just isn't that into you, sorry. he's made it clear that you are not a priority. i'd leave as soon as you can. the longer you're with him the longer til you find someone who truly values you and wants to be with you.
I don't mean to be blunt, but is it possible that they don't like you? .
I have considered this, but they tell BF that they really do like me. And they genuinely do seem
to like me. I think the issue is that they have a tradition of spending Christmas morning with just them (BF, his sister, his mom, and his dad). And they aren't ready to change that, even after their kids are 21 (sister) and 25 (BF). Seems a little intense to me.
My oldest son also lives with his gf. She and my wife communicate a lot and before last Christmas she told my wife that her mother complained that they spend time with my relatives during the holidays instead of being always with them. My wife informed her that our son hasn't spent Christmas with us over the past 5 years (requires plane travel and he's on a tight budget going to graduate school). She saw the light in that and may have communicated it to her mother. In any case, my son likes to spend time at my relatives because of the food, as her parents are vegetarians.
At least this shows you that you are not alone with this problem. Compromises need to be made in order to be fair to all. When we were married, we spent Christmas with her family and New Years with mine. The reason was because New Years was a bigger to-do with my family. Other holidays we alternated. Since your bf seems hesitant to compromise and his family doesn't include you, I'd question his commitment. I'd wonder if you'd always be treated as an outsider.
So based on what most of you are saying, he doesn't really value our relationship and that his parent's are carrying too much weight in the relationship.
I feel like I need to break up with him. It's just hard.
If after 2 years he has not made an attempt to integrate you into his family, it's because he does not want to integrate you into his family. Maybe the family doesn't like you and he is listening to them, or maybe he doesn't see you as a permanent part of his life. It really does not matter, in the end he isn't going to do it.
I too think marriage is too soon for your relationship.
You both need jobs and see how that works out. Jobs may take you to another city, another state. You need to see how you agree or disagree on saving, spending, division of chores when you're working, etc.
However, it cannot always be that he spends every Christmas morning alone with his parents. What's with this Santa stuff ?. Are they buying him presents and expecting him to be at their home early in the AM to open them as a child would with mommy & daddy ? That is just plain weird. .
A couple usually spends Christmas morning together and opens their own presents to each other and gets out of the house eventually to see family . A couple decides how they will divide up their holiday time. Maybe Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas day with the other & vice versa the next year. Or dinner with one family and the evening with the other.
But the couple does stay together for the holiday. There's no need for alone time between parent and adult child every year.
Your boy friend is raising big red flags with his going home to live with mom & dad in the summer. If this continues after he has a job and is working full time, you may have to consider if you really need or want to be in this relationship. This much of a momma's boy spells doom to an adult relationship with wife or girl friend. You'll always be second best and second in importance to his family. This isn't good.
I don't think there's any right or wrong answer to how you should spend the holidays, but after 3 years you should definitely have an arrangement you both feel comfortable with. Does his family often exclude you? I see red flags here in that he doesn't want to talk about the future with you. After 3 years if you want to get married and he doesn't, then you're both wasting your time with this relationship. I ignored a lot of red flags my ex husband threw up before we got married. For some reason I thought he would be more serious about our relationship and be a better partner if we were married. He wasn't. And now we are divorced.
I have considered this, but they tell BF that they really do like me. And they genuinely do seem
to like me. I think the issue is that they have a tradition of spending Christmas morning with just them (BF, his sister, his mom, and his dad). And they aren't ready to change that, even after their kids are 21 (sister) and 25 (BF). Seems a little intense to me.
My parents were a little bit like your boyfriend's parents in regards to issues of holidays. My take on this is, is that you really can't mandate what they choose to do in their own house. You can express your feelings about it to your BF, but at some point you either have to accept it or move on.
I'm married, but my parents did have issues of who could come over when for whatever holiday when I was dating and then the same thing with my sibling. While I didn't always like it, it put me in a very difficult position. My parents were incredibly stubborn in this regard.
If this is the one big issue, only you can decide how important it is. I think there is a lot you should evaluate about the relationship. Not sure I would spend tremendous amounts of energy trying to get your BF's parents to change their ways though.
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