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So, i was in a cultural gathering a while ago and met a man, i was with tons of friends and we started talking (all of us) and he would casually slip comments on how beautiful i was, etc, i was just laughing, it was nightime, we were all drinking, the usual stuff. Then he left and it was all ok.
Later we all found eachother on facebook (people that met on that night, we had a lot of fun talking) and he strted messagging me through facebook, friendly, and i messaged him back. He is a writer, and he organizes this cultural gatherings i like to go. You know, for a person like me, this is fabulous. We talk about books, and writers, and movies, you know the usual stuff "nerds" or "book lovers" talk about. In my city this is pretty normal, i mean there are a lot of cultural stuff, poetry reunions, readings in bars, etc. Anyways, im a major in literature and he is a writer so via facebook we had all this conversations about books, and recommended books to eachother, showed eachother what we were writing, yada yada.
Anyways, point is im recently separated. My bf and i split up after 7 YEARS of being together (living together and all), im devastated, but thats another story. We ve been "separated" for months, but have been seeing eachother every weekend until now. Its ridiculous but sometimes long term relationships are very hard to end. He was the love of my life and i ve never cheated on him (not even thought about someone else while with him, he was the perfect man for me). But this is another story, i could go on and on about how hard has been for me and how sad i am and how in love i am with my ex but this is not the point of this thread. I wanted to say this cause when i met this guy (i was already separated by then) i got happy to find out someone so cool (by my standards) and smart and interesting, and somehow regain hope in the world.
I wasnt physically attracted to him when we talk, but he was smart, cool, fun and easy going, and it was so much fun. Anyways, we started messagging via facebook, he organizes partys and all that so we were talking about that too, he was really educated and never said something out of place, but he was giving "like" to all my pictures. After a while, he told me i was beautiful in a message, kind of out of the blue, i let it go. Next, he started calling me a flirty nickname, and went on about my eyes being so beautiful. Next thing i know, he was always telling me beautiful once or twice in every message. I was kinda flattered, this is the first flirty exchange i have with a man in 7 YEARS! becaue i was in a very commited relationship.
Anyways, i decided to investigate his facebook (took me a lot, more than 3 weeks of daily messages, im not very familiar with facebook ,tbh) and, not obvious (i mean you had to search for it) i saw an album about a wedding, and it turns out it was....HIS!!! I was so shocked to find out he was married, because he didnt acted married AT ALL, not when we met at the pary, and certainly NOT in his messages!!! I was kinda bummed, and wondered why he havent told me, i thought maybe his marriage was over. So in one of the messages i suggested that we see eachother to see how he reacted and he said that he would LOVE to see me, insinuate that things would happen between us, but then told me he was married.
I answered, of course "oh, i didnt know, we can be friends then", and he was all ok with being friends and told me to go to a reading he was hosting a couple of days later. Its an event i would have gone no matter what cause thats what i do. So, anyways, i went and we talked very friendly, he didnt said anything flirty, he was very nice and again we laugh so much and it was so easy to talk with him, he seems to like talking to me, too. I thought its really good to became friends with this guy cause the people im interested in always moves in those circles (writers, intelectuals, etc), and its great to know someone like that so, in the future, i have hopes to meet someone i could potentially like as a partner.
Anyways, we keep messaging via facebook with a friendly manner, though in his last message he again flirted with me. What should i do? keep acting like he didnt said anything flirty and behaving as friends? stop being his friend? It would suck for me cause he hosts all the things i like to go (readings, partys, poetry reunions, etc), and, plus, he is really nice and we have tons in common. Im a little uncomfortable with his flirting, now, knowing he is married.
You can tell him that you're not comfortable with some of his language/expressions in a nice but honest manner. But, you have to be clear that you value your new friendship and would not like to put it at risk due to some of the things he's saying to you via FB or any other form of communication. Then, if he makes another statement that causes you some level of discomfort, remind him (just the one time) of your boundaries and move on. If there's another misstep, then you'll have to decide whether to cease communication or not.
What i have known and seen from men here (i dont know if its the same in usa, probably not) is pretty normal to tell a girl how beautiful she is, even if you are not trying to have anything with her (hhhhmmm). Its kinda a normal male behaviour . Actually, the "piropo" here is if you go walking on the streets normally tons of guys will tell you how beautiful you are, and you dont have to be model-like looking for this to happen. It can happen to the girl next door type walking in their sweatshirts .
Anyways, im having a hard time figuring if this man is only being a man, and just complementing, or if he wants something more, wich in that case i will feel bad for his wife. I guess time will tell??
The real question is: is it possible for men to have a friendly relationship with women without trying to hit on them??
Cause when i think about my life: i was very close friend with 2 guys, it was all cool, didnt hit on me directly just make comments to me and all women ("you look pretty" "you are beautiful" etc), fast forward a year, both confessed me (different days but same week) that they were IN LOVE with me !!! Stopped being their friends cause i didnt feel the same way to any of them.
After, i was VERY close with this gorgeous guy, he became my best friend in life, we were amazing friends, spent a lot of time together, yada yada yada, i was platonically in love with him but had a boyfriend at a time, plus, i never thought his type (model gorgeous) would go for my type (cute but girl next door type). Fast forwards 2 years, i broke up with my boyfriend (for other reasons), and this guy jumps on me as soon as i broke up with my bf, we started dating, he was the love of my life, we dated 7 years, yada yada yada. Another failed "friendship". This one turned into love.
Now that i think about it the only succesfull friendship with a man i have ever had is my currently GAY friend, for obvious reasons
but i ve seen it happen (the man/woman friendship) for other people
What i have known and seen from men here (i dont know if its the same in usa, probably not) is pretty normal to tell a girl how beautiful she is, even if you are not trying to have anything with her (hhhhmmm). Its kinda a normal male behaviour . Actually, the "piropo" here is if you go walking on the streets normally tons of guys will tell you how beautiful you are, and you dont have to be model-like looking for this to happen. It can happen to the girl next door type walking in their sweatshirts .
Anyways, im having a hard time figuring if this man is only being a man, and just complementing, or if he wants something more, wich in that case i will feel bad for his wife. I guess time will tell??
Others may (and probably will) disagree, but a married man complimenting a single woman's beauty (without his wife present) is showing a crack in his character. A married man who compliments a single woman's beauty during almost every conversation is showing a lack of character. Add to that the "flirty nickname" and you have all you need to know about this guy and his "intentions".
I agree with the other poster who said to stay away from this guy--keep it professional and interact with him in public settings (i.e., your group meetings).
I know, he is clearly not boyfriend material, but i want him as a friend and i can forgive crack in character in friends.
Im also thinking this might be how all men behave?
Any honest man want to admit this? Basically that men wanna have sex with all good looking females they met and theyll go as far as women let them?
If we women know how to set our boundaries, then men can behave and act normally without trying to hit on you.
is it like that?
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. He was the love of my life and i ve never cheated on him (not even thought about someone else while with him, he was the perfect man for me). But this is another story, i could go on and on about how hard has been for me and how sad i am and how in love i am with my ex but this is not the point of this thread. I wanted to say this cause when i met this guy (i was already separated by then) i got happy to find out someone so cool (by my standards) and smart and interesting, and somehow regain hope in the world
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