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...and so on? Have you ever tried to make changes to what you are or aren't attracted to? Did it work? What did you try to change?
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Some answers from my life, to start with:
Biochemistry: How someone smells is very important to me. Scientists say this preference is biologically based, thus hardwired.
Connection as friends and equals: This has a gazillion components -- intelligence, silliness, empathy, education, interests and hobbies, thriftiness, charm... I am really not sure how to classify it. I think the details of what feels connect-y to me are partially culturally determined (obviously), but the need to feel connected is probably hardwired. It's such a social-animal phenomenon.
Looks: Another part and part. What I consider handsome is strongly affected by culture. But how someone moves is a big deal to me, and not something my culture cares about. That bit is more experience-based, to me: I have learned that people who move in a certain way tend to suit me better in bed.
Social status: I have a strong preference for someone on the outside. I can't stand a person who makes themselves the center of attention in a dominate way, OR who acts disempowered and submissive. I want someone who isn't focused on that stuff at all. Is this 100% cultural?
Cockiness: This used to appeal to me, a lot. But only in someone outside the social heirarchy (see above). I am wary of it now, though, because I found it correlated with narcissism and ADHD too often. So, it's an example of something I have consciously changed my response to. I can still admire it, as a sort of art form, but no longer take it as a marker of a good potential mate.
It's too hard to break down the likely origins of why I like what I like.
I'm attracted to all different kinds of people, don't have any one overriding "type," so there's been no need to try to convince myself to adjust who I'm attracted to. I'm just attracted to people who are my kind of cool. That could be any number of diverse traits.
Common personality, common goals, common life style attracts me. I also do a 180 in opposite attracts. I like different. Someone that opens my eyes to new things.
It's too hard to break down the likely origins of why I like what I like.
I'm attracted to all different kinds of people, don't have any one overriding "type," so there's been no need to try to convince myself to adjust who I'm attracted to. I'm just attracted to people who are my kind of cool. That could be any number of diverse traits.
This is basically how I feel. I like what I like, and oftentimes there is a HUUUUGE difference from one guy to another. The last guy I liked was tall, shy, quiet and reserved. The guy I'm kinda digging now is short, loud, brash and absolutely hilarious.
...and so on? Have you ever tried to make changes to what you are or aren't attracted to? Did it work? What did you try to change?
--
.
It's not that I ever "made changes" to what appealed to me - you really can't help your personal tastes - it's more that I made a conscious effort to be open to getting to know a guy well enough to really determine if there was any attraction there.
In other words, I didn't just decide on a first glance across the room that I was attracted to someone. I actually spent some time getting to know the guy first before determining that.
For me, it's always about the man having a great sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, and of course common interests, morals, values, etc. However, we still need to have the right vibe and sexual chemistry to become more than "friends."
...and so on? Have you ever tried to make changes to what you are or aren't attracted to? Did it work? What did you try to change?
--
Some answers from my life, to start with:
Biochemistry: How someone smells is very important to me. Scientists say this preference is biologically based, thus hardwired.
Connection as friends and equals: This has a gazillion components -- intelligence, silliness, empathy, education, interests and hobbies, thriftiness, charm... I am really not sure how to classify it. I think the details of what feels connect-y to me are partially culturally determined (obviously), but the need to feel connected is probably hardwired. It's such a social-animal phenomenon.
Looks: Another part and part. What I consider handsome is strongly affected by culture. But how someone moves is a big deal to me, and not something my culture cares about. That bit is more experience-based, to me: I have learned that people who move in a certain way tend to suit me better in bed.
Social status: I have a strong preference for someone on the outside. I can't stand a person who makes themselves the center of attention in a dominate way, OR who acts disempowered and submissive. I want someone who isn't focused on that stuff at all. Is this 100% cultural?
Cockiness: This used to appeal to me, a lot. But only in someone outside the social heirarchy (see above). I am wary of it now, though, because I found it correlated with narcissism and ADHD too often. So, it's an example of something I have consciously changed my response to. I can still admire it, as a sort of art form, but no longer take it as a marker of a good potential mate.
I can imagine that smell is much more important to (some) women than looks.
I think the only thing that is hardwired in me biologically is my preference for the opposite sex.
Looks: I can find almost any look attractive. I find I am more attracted to what's behind the looks.
Vibe: The overall vibe of the person is what I find myself more attracted to. If she looks good, that is a bonus. I think this is due to my experience.
Smell is so important! It's frustrating when men wear too much cologne. I feel like I'm missing a large part of the equation. I thought I was crazy until studies started coming out about it. But I've always been smell sensitive. My mother says I refused to eat anything as a baby until I had sniffed it. I still always sniff my food on my fork, I just try to be subtle about it. I can't help it! Everything and everyone has to smell right. If he didn't smell quite right, then he was a bad fit. I'm so glad you listed this!
Intelligence is sexy. Doesn't necessarily have to be well educated, but he can't be dumber than me.
Attractive. I suppose symmetrical face. Not too grizzly looking. Warm smile. Not too fat and not too skinny and not too much muscle.
Has to treat people with respect. If he's disrespectful to other people, I can expect him to be disrespectful to me as soon as he gets whatever it is he wants. KWIM?
I don't know if those things are hardwired biologically or not. But these have been the things I've found most attractive in men. They've come in many shapes and colours. But these have been repeating themes in men that I've found attractive.
Strangely, the women I've been attracted to aren't nearly as diverse in appearance. Brown hair, brown eyes, bit breasts and pale skin. They're hard to resist.
I believe that the only thing that is fundamentally hardwired in terms of romantic attraction is a person's intimate orientation. Everything else can be coaxed or brought about not by nature, but by though the environment through which one is nurtured (or conversely on the flip side, also potentially through mainstream society's arbitrary default pattern of social engineering).
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