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lastwoman - Thanks for that, I will make sure I ask myself that before I get too concerned. When you say he seems very casual with the relationship, it really does. And I find it strange that he's doing this when he accused me (rightfully so) of being too casual with him. It seems like a double standard to me and so I feel like how he felt when he said he wasn't sure that I was serious about the relationship. I'm not good with where we're at... and I can see that his friends are his priorities. The thing with this is, I don't want to take him away from his friends. At the same time, I realize that I should be priority, just as he is for me.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but your relationship seems really love-hate.
Perhaps you feel attached to him because deep down you really do like him a lot, but his inconsistencies tell you he is not serious, genuine or sincere with you.
At this point, I'd probably ask myself why I'm settling and maybe take two steps back, break up and move onto my other options eventually. Cus, happiness is what really matters, and sounds like you feel miserable with this dude.
Life's too short to be in a head-space over someone who doesn't seem to treat you well.
See, if someone looked through mine, I wouldn't give a damn, because I have nothing to hide.
That's not the point. When people invade your privacy, they claim rights over you they do not deserve to have. It is a question of dignity. However, I am 44. I realize that many younger people are so used to being spied on nowadays, they no longer have concept of what privacy means. That's sad, but it is not really their fault.
kat - You're on the ball with how I feel. Although he can't fix what he doesn't know he's doing (or not doing), similar to what I had to fix, so I also feel like he deserves an opportunity to correct the problem rather than just breaking up with him for something he might not realize that he's doing.
I don't think I'm settling (I settled for my last boyfriend). I think settling would be if I tried to talk to him, he didn't correct the behavior, and I stayed anyway - that's one thing I can recognize and not do, because I've done that before.
You are the extreme minority there. Regardless of why
It would depend how I felt about the person if they looked through my phone. I have nothing to hide from someone I am true to and for me to be true to someone it means I am in love with them so I would not "kick them to the curb." for that. Someone I was uncertain about I don't want to be pushed or pressured by and I would see it as too controlling. Depends on your view of the person doing the spying. But if controlling behavior, lack of respect for my privacy came up more than once, I think it would lessen my feelings for the person.
OP I think your boyfriend is just very immature. I'm guessing you guys are in your early 20s? Just focus on making things good with him, don't worry about her. You get what you focus on. Do make plans soon to spend time with his friends and he yours. There should be no reason for him not to have you around his people and for him to want to be around yours. You can't exactly go to him and say "I saw in your phone you asked to see your ex." If this is a casual relationship, don't put your heart into it too much. A guy like this is hard to deal with (immature). Go ahead and give, he says he doesn't feel you are taking the relationship seriously, if he doesn't make plans when you suggest them to spend time with each others people, tell him that you asked because you are trying to show him you ARE taking the relationship seriously. Ask him what he thinks he should do to show you the same. Going along with meeting everyone on both sides is a good sign. Just don't get into being the leader, being the mature one or long drawn out conversations where you feel you have to convince him of things. That sort of thing (along with too much invasion of privacy.) does wear the relationship out. Your goal should be to have fun with him.
lastwomanstanding - I appreciate all of your feedback. I like where you're going, but IF there is a chance that it works out and he matures enough to where it's a real solid and fruitful relationship, do you think that not putting my heart in it too much would damage the potential? I've already not put my heart in too much before (when he said he felt I wasn't taking it seriously) so that I wouldn't get hurt and have amped up the affection and my actions to show that I do care and put more of my heart into it. I'm afraid holding back would doom the relationship. Although I would get hurt again, but I'm realizing that being so guarded has already caused problems that could have been avoided.
I have been in your shoes. Did not end well. But remember, my ex boyfriend is not your boyfriend nor am I you. I have always believed in loving with your whole heart. And not judging the next person by the previous person's mistakes. I think there is a scale of self protection vs. being vulnerable (heart all the way in.) I am what many have called a fool. I don't mean to project my hurts on to your situation. I don't know the answer. I'd venture to say in your situation give and take- you invest some of your heart and let him take his turn investing his before you invest more. I think it's ok for you to go first even. You can't win what you don't put in. Also patience is good, especially if he is young and just hang in there with him. Don't play games like "I'm breaking up with you" if you really do not want a break up and you are just hoping he will come after you. (not that you are doing that.) But don't be afraid to walk if he starts to show that he cannot give you what you want.
What do you want?
if you distrust someone so much you are willing to violate his privacy by snooping through his phone, it is over. And just for the record, if someone I was dating had the nerve to violate my privacy that way, I'd kick her to the curb so hard she'd bruise her ass.
Hmm.. I typically agree with this, but not always.
I was on a break from a girl I had been seriously dating. As in, she moved out break. Well, we started hanging out again, and she was over one day, and while I was at the gym she went through my phone. The next day she calmly told me what she found. While weren't technically dating, I can still understand why she felt the way she did.
Honestly, I was not mad whatsoever. If she hadn't of found anything that's one thing, but she did. And even though we had broken up, we were talking about getting back together. I was just lucky she was able to forget about it, regardless whether what I did was "technically" wrong or not.
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