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Just a curiosity point that came up on another discussion forum: if you had a prospect of interest and you knew you would have great chemistry with this individual BUT... you know he/she had a personality flaw / mental block that caused him/her to subconsciously sabotage a relationship .. would you pursue?
The example I used is a friend I have (not that I am looking to date this friend, I just know the personality flaws that trip up his relationships): He has had a number of long term relationships, but the minute he starts to feel boxed in by his partner because they are high maintenance in some way, he sabotages the relationship (he might cheat, might be passive aggressive until they break up, might create distance that ultimately results in them cheating). When he is single and dating, he tends to gavitate toward women that are 'not as available' - he'll choose someone that is still married but separated, or he'll choose a long distance thing, or he'll choose a women that has a known history of being a cheater with many men on the side.
So, in this case, if he were to be with a partner that was a better match for him - would he still sabotage? Or, if his partner entered into the relationship fully knowing what causes him to sabotage so that they could work together facilitate a more successful relationship?
Just a curiosity point that came up on another discussion forum: if you had a prospect of interest and you knew you would have great chemistry with this individual BUT... you know he/she had a personality flaw / mental block that caused him/her to subconsciously sabotage a relationship .. would you pursue?
The example I used is a friend I have (not that I am looking to date this friend, I just know the personality flaws that trip up his relationships): He has had a number of long term relationships, but the minute he starts to feel boxed in by his partner because they are high maintenance in some way, he sabotages the relationship (he might cheat, might be passive aggressive until they break up, might create distance that ultimately results in them cheating). When he is single and dating, he tends to gavitate toward women that are 'not as available' - he'll choose someone that is still married but separated, or he'll choose a long distance thing, or he'll choose a women that has a known history of being a cheater with many men on the side.
So, in this case, if he were to be with a partner that was a better match for him - would he still sabotage? Or, if his partner entered into the relationship fully knowing what causes him to sabotage so that they could work together facilitate a more successful relationship?
I didn't read your example because I don't think the specifics matter. There is no good reason to get into a relationship with a person you believe will sabotage it, the reason is irrelevant. Would you go out to a nice dinner if you knew the food would taste like crap but would cost you a lot? You can't make the other person change. Change comes from within. It is foolish to think you will help someone else to change, especially when the change benefits you.
I have an acquaintance like that too, its hard to stand by when they constantly create this drama and then blame everyone else. I think he just wants a diversion from life and is not seriously invested in anyone. Its enough of a satisfaction for him to play the game, try to come out on top and then make them feel responsible for the break up.
I wouldn't think there will EVER be anyone "worthy" because its just a game. Its a game to make himself feel better. It doesn't really have anything to do with THEM, they're just pieces that fit into the game. If someone truly perfect came into his life I would feel sorry for her, since she could spend her time with someone who would love and appreciate her instead of busting her butt making him "happy", or trying to keep him in interested.
Don't I sound like such a good friend...I'm glad this is anonymous.
Just a curiosity point that came up on another discussion forum: if you had a prospect of interest and you knew you would have great chemistry with this individual BUT... you know he/she had a personality flaw / mental block that caused him/her to subconsciously sabotage a relationship .. would you pursue?
The example I used is a friend I have (not that I am looking to date this friend, I just know the personality flaws that trip up his relationships): He has had a number of long term relationships, but the minute he starts to feel boxed in by his partner because they are high maintenance in some way, he sabotages the relationship (he might cheat, might be passive aggressive until they break up, might create distance that ultimately results in them cheating). When he is single and dating, he tends to gavitate toward women that are 'not as available' - he'll choose someone that is still married but separated, or he'll choose a long distance thing, or he'll choose a women that has a known history of being a cheater with many men on the side.
So, in this case, if he were to be with a partner that was a better match for him - would he still sabotage? Or, if his partner entered into the relationship fully knowing what causes him to sabotage so that they could work together facilitate a more successful relationship?
First of all, you sound quite judgemental of a guy who's just learning about the world the hard way like the rest of us.
Second of all, it's pretty obvious you are eyeing this guy up for you (despite your protests) and you're going to try to convince him that you're going to be so good for him, if only he would realise.
Third of all, the "I'll find something I judge as broken/dysfunctional, then fix it" mindset is kind of dysfunctional itself, as well as delusional, as people are not cars.
Fourth of all, he might not appreciate the fact that you've judged him as in need of fixing in the first place.
First of all, you sound quite judgemental of a guy who's just learning about the world the hard way like the rest of us.
Second of all, it's pretty obvious you are eyeing this guy up for you (despite your protests) and you're going to try to convince him that you're going to be so good for him, if only he would realise.
Third of all, the "I'll find something I judge as broken/dysfunctional, then fix it" mindset is kind of dysfunctional itself, as well as delusional, as people are not cars.
Fourth of all, he might not appreciate the fact that you've judged him as in need of fixing in the first place.
Contrarily to your belief - no, I am not "eyeing this guy up." I have my own things going on, but, thanks.
He and I have had plenty of intense talks and he sees that he needs to fix himself. He's steadily attended counseling sessions over the past few years to address some of his lifelong issues that have resulted in poor relationships, so it is not that he is unaware of his behavior.
Dragonfly do you think hes' addicted to that behavior, just like some people can be addicted to creating crisis situations, or that kind of thing? What do you think he would need to do in order to change it?
I once heard that when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change someone will finally choose to change. I am curious about your thoughts on it.
OP, kindly have the thread title corrected first to "Dating someone you know WHO sabotages relationships." End it with a period and not with a question mark. People will then understand and tie your title to your first post.
Dragonfly do you think hes' addicted to that behavior, just like some people can be addicted to creating crisis situations, or that kind of thing? What do you think he would need to do in order to change it?
I once heard that when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change someone will finally choose to change. I am curious about your thoughts on it.
Interesting thought...
I do know that in the case of my friend, he can get wrapped up into "drama" within his family, but that is also a regional thing. A lot of Michigan families are like that. I've had many discussions with him about how to let the drama go and not feed into the whirlwind of it - something I had to learn how to do myself as my family also loves drama and I didn't quite see it for what it was until I no longer lived near them upon moving out of state years ago.
If someone is predisposed to having drama in their own life, that would suggest they are predisposed to being addicted to drama like behavior. It gives them a focal point, discussion topic, something constantly going on.
Is it then safe to say if a person allows drama in their every day life that they will seek it out in a relationship in order to feel the relationship is validated? It might be 'weird' to have less drama in their closest relationship?
So, if there is no drama in the relationship, subconsciously cause drama?
The only way one could stop this behavior is by becoming aware of it, and then actively choosing / working toward improving it. Counseling, self awareness and a conscious decision to stop it.
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