Do you think there is a effective deterrent to cheating? (single, husband)
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I know I'm probably going to get crucified for this, but here goes ...
I think that in most cases, the person who is cheated on fails to acknowledge that he or she had some part in making a relationship or marriage untenable, leaving the door wide open for their S.O. or spouse to cheat. Typically, it takes two to tango. And when two people become emotionally disconnected, they become sexually disconnected as well. And they become very, very lonely.
People deal with loneliness in different ways; some take up hobbies to fill their downtime (like I did), so they don't have to deal with it, while others take up drinking, drugs, over-spending, gambling, etc. But when the need for a human connection becomes too great -- when you realize that there is another person living in your home with whom you have no substantive, meaningful contact, and there seems to be no purpose of the relationship or marriage -- the usual response is to reach out to another human being to fill that void.
I'm not saying that this is a healthy response. Doesn't mean that the person cheated on "deserved" it. It just is what it is, and both people (again, usually) are responsible for creating a scenario in which cheating is more or less likely.
(This is, of course, assuming that both people are mature, thoughtful adults who originally entered into the relationship or marriage soberly and with the best of intentions and not a couple of teenagers playing around with "love.")
+1
You are absolutely correct. Unfortunately, people get too caught up in playing the innocent victim to ever see that it is possible that their actions (or inaction) and/or behavior may have been a contributing factor.
This is where I have to give my sister-in-law (and her religious faith, to a degree) credit.
She became totally ABSORBED with her church and my nephew about 15 years ago.
My brother got kicked out of their bed and wound up sleeping on the sofa for over a year. He tried and tried to talk to her about being at the church every night and about putting their son into his own bed so that the two of them could spend evenings together and/or sleep in the same bed.
She ignored him.
He wound up having an affair. It was brief, but highly public.
She took him back, though. The affair opened her eyes to how she had neglected her marriage.
She realized that BOTH of them were at fault.
They got back together and have had a very strong marriage ever since.
She promised to love him for better or for worse, and that was a real low. But, she saw how her behavior had helped to open the door and lead him out.
She still plays the pipe organ at church, but she has a different church now. They don't expect them there every night.
She and my brother got a surprise a couple of years ago in the form of another child. They are a happy family and I am glad they turned it around.
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No. Monogamy is a social construct, and humans aren't naturally monogamous. Rather, there is a spectrum from highly promiscuous to highly monogamous, with most falling somewhere between the extremes. Throughout history, any attempt to enforce monogamy has failed, even if the penalty is death, and despite any religious or "moral" teachings. In the end, it is a choice one must make if one values the idealized concept.
Thanks for the responses everyone. For the record I don't cheat nor have I ever advocated cheating, I think its wrong
I just asked this question because anytime someone gets cheated on one of the top 3 questions they ask themselves and other people ask is why? Why did that person get cheated on and is there any thing they could've done differently? People will throw out reasons and ideas but I've seen people who have done the things they said deter cheating and still got cheated on. That's why asked is there an effective deterrent.
I also agree with the idea that some people simply aren't meant to have just one partner and that's ok if that's what you want. Look at charlie sheen, he has 2 GF's but no one bats an eye because they all know the situation and are happy. My problem has always been the lying about it. I always felt most of the people who cheat all the time want more then one partner but know their current one wouldn't approve of it(obviously) so they sneak around with someone else.
Agreed. People toward the less monogamous end of the spectrum are more likely to cheat, and people toward the more monogamous end are less likely to. It has more to do with this than with any "deterrent." I had no idea such a common sense statement could trigger such traumatic memories for some.
I know I'm probably going to get crucified for this, but here goes ...
I think that in most cases, the person who is cheated on fails to acknowledge that he or she had some part in making a relationship or marriage untenable, leaving the door wide open for their S.O. or spouse to cheat. Typically, it takes two to tango. And when two people become emotionally disconnected, they become sexually disconnected as well. And they become very, very lonely.
People deal with loneliness in different ways; some take up hobbies to fill their downtime (like I did), so they don't have to deal with it, while others take up drinking, drugs, over-spending, gambling, etc. But when the need for a human connection becomes too great -- when you realize that there is another person living in your home with whom you have no substantive, meaningful contact, and there seems to be no purpose of the relationship or marriage -- the usual response is to reach out to another human being to fill that void.
I'm not saying that this is a healthy response. Doesn't mean that the person cheated on "deserved" it. It just is what it is, and both people (again, usually) are responsible for creating a scenario in which cheating is more or less likely.
(This is, of course, assuming that both people are mature, thoughtful adults who originally entered into the relationship or marriage soberly and with the best of intentions and not a couple of teenagers playing around with "love.")
Again, I've got to agree with you.
While a percentage of cheaters are just serial cheaters with major issues who would cheat no matter who they were married to - another percentage (probably more the majority) cheat out of desperation and in the midst of abject loneliness.
Like you said, it's never a "healthy response", but understanding this explains a lot.
Because all sorts of people get cheated on. Attractive ones/ugly ones, Rich people poor people, people who are very clingy to their partner/people who are distant etc.
So my question is do you think there is any type of effective deterrent to cheating?
Of course. If you don't believe in cheating, you don't tolerate it. You end the marriage.
Deterrent? I don't cheat because I have high moral values, which I don't. I don't cheat because I love my partner, which i do. I don't cheat because I am afraid of STDs. I've had most of them.
The main reason I don't cheat is that I am physically and emotionally satisfied with the sexual part of our relationship and can't imagine any woman who could satisfy as much as she does.
Sounds more like extortion than fidelity or love. She knows she needs to always put out, never be exhausted or have a headache or you'll run out and find someone else to have sex with. Will you lie or will you tell her if or when that day comes?
Because all sorts of people get cheated on. Attractive ones/ugly ones, Rich people poor people, people who are very clingy to their partner/people who are distant etc.
So my question is do you think there is any type of effective deterrent to cheating?
So Martin Luther King Jr, JFK, Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Bill Clinton are all not "good" people? They all sleep with other women or keep mistresses. I think some of you people have a very naïve, simplistic, black and white view of affairs/cheating.
For women who are in a relationship/marriage with a well-informed and intelligent man, there is the fear of a man being forced to pay child support for 18/21 years.
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