Do you think there is a effective deterrent to cheating? (girl, attracted)
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No. Cheating is dishonesty. Dishonesty is a character flaw. Character flaws are for keeps.
You can't remove a character flaw from somebody, it's just who they are. Someone who has determined that being a cheater is okay is not someone who is going to be deterred by anything anybody else could ever do or not do.
I am replying to my own post because that is just how full of myself I am.
A lot of people would say that you can't tell a cheater. And that is true. You cannot account for any single random act that a person might commit. But you can tell if a person has character and integrity. By the way they act in all the areas of their lives. If a person finds a wallet, what do they do? Do they contact the person on the driver's license or pocket the cash and pitch the rest? Barring abuse, do they hold grudges against the mistakes that there parents made and help fuel a continued drama of who is at fault or do they grow up and maturely forgive and mend fences with the first caring relationship of their lives. (Side note on this one, if they are not grown up enough to forgive in that relationship, what makes anyone think that the person is mature enough to work through issues in their own relationship?) At work, do they get the job done, take rebuke and recrimination where due and solve the problem? Or do they rail and blame? On and on the examples go.
The thing is, too many people pick their partner on love. Love is super important. But in the early stages, love is hormones and fun. At some point, we have to stop and look at our partners (and if we are smart ourselves) and THINK, ask ourselves, what kind of person is that? When the going gets tough with me, is s/he going to do the dirty work and fix it? Or is s/he going to cheat, lie, take the cash and pitch the rest of the wallet?
Eventually love grows from a hot feeling in your nethers into a genuine trust, a real commitment based on each of you being that person of character and integrity for all the years together. (Side note on this one, if you think that makes sex stale and boring, think again. Think how uninhibited, open and giving you can be with someone you REALLY trust.) Not that each of you doesn't make mistakes. But that each of you is going to face those mistakes in a mature way with the same aim of making the relationship as great as it can be.
My husband and I have been going through a rough patch. I have been doing some things that are not great for the relationship. He has been doing some things that are not great for the relationship. At any time either one of us could have gone out and sought solace in the arms of someone else. It would have felt damned nice, now that I think of it. As emotionally compromised as I was, I probably could have even justified it to myself. I think he could say the same. IF we did not feel the way we do. That that would have only added irreparable harm to a problem that was very fixable if we just got our head out of our asses and met each other in the middle. At no time did I ever event worry that he might seek that solace elsewhere. Because that is not the man he is.
So my advice to you people who are scared to death that someone might cheat on you, step 1. Look in the mirror. Am *I* a person with character and integrity. I can tell you that when I married my husband I was not. Got that little pearl from a group much like this one. Am I the kind of person who can really be with someone of character and integrity. And if and when you are, have I chosen someone who also is? If not, can I help that person grow into character and integrity or do I need to cut bait.
I wouldn't call them one-time, but maybe rarely or special-circumstances. And yes, I agree, they are very different from people who cheat serially.
Serial cheaters, the ones I have talked to, cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with their current relationship. They are happy with their 'official' partner. They just get off on sneaking around, or putting something over on someone, or variety, or conquest, or the first feelings of love, or any number of things.
The one-time or special-circumstance cheaters, they are the kind we are mostly talking about in this thread, I think. They are the ones that can maybe be prevented.
I think luck is a big factor in the special-circ people, though. If they happen to meet someone during a time when they are emotionally vulnerable. Usually, when people are going through rough patches, they don't meet anyone and they come out the other side ok. And sometimes everyone involved gets unlucky.
Yep.
Somehow I think the OP was talking about serial cheaters though.
No, I don't believe you can do anything to deter someone from cheating on you. You do not have the power to control another person, period. People cheat for many reasons - some are the serial cheaters that use sex and the chase to make them feel good, and other people cheat because they have turned away from their partner. Psychologist John Gottman wrote an incredible book called "What Makes Love Last" about why people cheat, it's too complicated to describe on here.
There are no guarantees, really the best thing you can do is focus on being a healthy person and engage in open and intimate communication with your partner, whether they choose to be faithful is up to them.
Last edited by beachrunnerjm; 09-08-2013 at 08:48 PM..
Reason: spelling
Years ago got it in my Head I wouldn't like it if she cheated on me but if she wanted to leave I would help her pack and it wouldn't bother me because there is many more Fish in the Sea I could have fun with and let her know this.
Our relationship couldn't have been better after this. Now days we figure we have been through too much and are too old to be playing around.
I think most cheaters tend to cheat because they are not being sexually satisfied at home. If you have a great sex life and your partner makes sure that EVERY aspect of your sexual desires is met then there would be no reason to seek it elsewhere. For example if your hubby enjoys a great blow job (and who doesn't) but you don't really like it or don't do it often enough then he will want to find someone who genuinely enjoys doing what he wants.
Because all sorts of people get cheated on. Attractive ones/ugly ones, Rich people poor people, people who are very clingy to their partner/people who are distant etc.
So my question is do you think there is any type of effective deterrent to cheating?
Take care of your SO and they usually take care of you.
If you won't let him knock off a piece for 10 years, don't be supprized if his eyes wonder.......
Also "removed" people in relationships get hurt a lot too.
That person is reaching out for you and you crush his nuts.
Swinging. Nature always win you mind as well go with the flow.
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