who wears the pants in your relationship, and how old are you? (married, men)
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My ex used to "blame me" by telling people he couldn't do stuff because I wouldn't allow him (even though the truth he never asked my "permission" anyway or more likely I didn't know). He used it as a way to easily get out of something he didn't want to do anyway. I'll admit, I did the same the old, "Gee, I'd love to buy this, but I better ask my husband first." We didn't really need to ask each other, but it was an easy out for both of us, lol.
we are both pretty independent outside of the relationship dynamic that are capable of weighing out options and making the best choices for all parties involved in whatever matter is at hand.
i don't need to hand hold or steer my wife in any direction, she doesn't make stupid unthoughtful decisions or choices and i do the same.
there is no inner power struggle going on to have these issues.
One thing I've noticed about a lot of my male friends in their 30's and 40's that are married, is that they're pushovers when it comes to relationships. It's embarrassing for me to watch at times. At the end of the day these men can hold a relationship together by simply being subservient, and ignoring their angry wives. I couldn't imagine being in the doghouse 2-3 days a week for the rest of my life, but I know a lot of men that do it. I ask this question because my grandma was talking about this a while back, and I found it interesting that she said you didn't see a whole lot of that until about the last 30 years or so. What's changed?
We don't tell one another what to do. We are 36 and 41. We both had many years of being adults and taking care of ourselves before we met one another. We ask one another for advice, and confer with one another on decisions that affect us both. If we spend a lot of time angry with one another, neither of us has noticed.
we are both pretty independent outside of the relationship dynamic that are capable of weighing out options and making the best choices for all parties involved in whatever matter is at hand.
i don't need to hand hold or steer my wife in any direction, she doesn't make stupid unthoughtful decisions or choices and i do the same.
there is no inner power struggle going on to have these issues.
You bring up an excellent point. Power struggles are common in relationships. It takes a lot of maturity to actually have a relationship based on mutual equality and a less stringent need for power and control. I am 49 and my husband is 40. We don't have these power struggles either.
I think it's telling that you think stepping up in a relationship means retaliation of some sort. If these guys were good communicators and did what needs to be done in their relationships, retaliation wouldn't be necessary. It's that stereotype that women are all nags. If the guy has responsibilities and he hasn't taken care of them, asking him about it isn't nagging.
That's the thing though. Guys that get barked at the most are typically the best husbands and fathers. I find it amusing that people don't notice this more. It's the narcissistic jerk off husband that yells at his wife and kids all day that doesn't get nagged at. On the other end of the spectrum you have a a few generations of single men and women that won't deal with someone controlling them, but there seems to be a lot more men that will settle for a rotten relationship than women these days.
Sometimes when your in a relationship, you also pick your battles. Even the couples who work together the best don't always agree on everything, which will require some kind of compromise.
Yes, I think this is a very controversial subject because every marriage and circumstance is very different. Like mine for instance. I have been married for twenty years and my wife and I have what I call and a lot of people call a very special relationship, whereby we do everything together. Martial Arts, Golf, fishing, biking, main circuit racing.
We started together with almost nothing, and believe we planned our lives well. we have a one and only child, my beautiful daughter who was planned four years after marriage. I believed in the old school method that the husband should be the bread winner and that if I could support my wife without her having to work then that's how I wanted it to be. However this is life and after about 12 years of marriage and after we purchased our second house, my wife and I decided to work together a year after I started our business. As a result of my wife joining me in the business, due to her being very efficient and taking some pressure off me and improving our systems, our business did phenomenally well as per my projections when I persuaded her to join me. Now we have 3 houses, brand new cars, street bike, race bike, race car for My wife, large boat for fishing on Kariba, one of the houses is a holiday home on Kariba for family getaways, so we are found not really wanting for anything.
My in laws live in our second house which was bought to house them on a without rent basis, as they don't really have a stable income.
So what's the problem......well nothing really my wife loves me very much and again looks after the household. I love and adore my wife very much. My wife loves to cook as this is one of her best hobbies. After twenty years of marriage she weighs like 48kgs and still looks as stunning as she did the day I fell in love with her 20 years ago, being the first day I laid eyes upon her.
We both don't drink or smoke and lead healthy lives. We don't party at all, which we are both very happy about. Well I am not sure what the problems are, she is a very strong person who has to have things her way and will not entertain anything else. Unfortunately during the first 10 to 15 years of our marriage we never really had any issues and decisions were normally made by me and backed up and seconded by my wife, however now for the last year and a half I think my wife wears the pants in the house so to speak as my decision making seems to be inadequate, I don't have any family or friends to confide in as for the last twenty years we have confided in each other and kept friends at a distance which has had advantages. My wife has a large family to confide in which makes it easier for her to regroup when and if the very seldom indifference arises. Unfortunately no matter what the subject may be, if I know better, it's best to back down.
Unfortunately I think I have been to much of a nice guy over the years, given away to much for granted. i am not saying i want this relationship to end because I truly love my wife, but if my time comes to leave this relationship I know I leave with not much maybe 50% of one property, which means nothing because my in laws live there for free. So I would be out on the street.
Here is an example of how I have been sidelined and no matter how much trying to explain the situation of how I feel to my wife...the tables are turned and I am told that I am being unreasonable.
I do race main circuit bikes as a new hobby, of which my wife wasn't happy about a year ago. So what I did was bought a Mini Cooper S for my wife, imported another USD $25 000 of assorted racing spares from all over the world so that my wife could also be involved with motor sport. Of course she was really happy about the arrangement. I honestly thought that as husband and wife we could do this magical thing together, however I have been sidelined and she is now more wrapped up with having this racing experience with her father of which I don't see eye to eye with. So I have backed down and am sorry I ever made that decision.
Basically, I bought my father in law a boat motor for USD 10 000, he doesn't appreciate that and has forgotten my generosity, I worked my arse off an entire year to pay USD 120 000 cash for a house so he could live their for free, again he doesn't appreciate that either. He thinks everyone is an arsehole and can't just play his part in a non confrontational manner. Every time one of the family members end up financially constraint for medical reasons or another, old mug face here had to fork out, as my wife is a signatory on all our accounts.
We even employ her brother who is a nice enough guy, I recently purchased a Toyota pick up for him for USD 20 000.
I don't even want to post this thread but am a little pissed with life right now and feel like an old meandering river that can't turn the clock back and know my time is coming soon!!!! Cut a long story short, my wife controls my life and wears the pants in our house and there seems to be nothing I can do. I don't feel I am a bad person, I think I put others before me and as a result everyone ends up walking all over me. Am tired of it!!!
One thing I've noticed about a lot of my male friends in their 30's and 40's that are married, is that they're pushovers when it comes to relationships. It's embarrassing for me to watch at times. At the end of the day these men can hold a relationship together by simply being subservient, and ignoring their angry wives. I couldn't imagine being in the doghouse 2-3 days a week for the rest of my life, but I know a lot of men that do it. I ask this question because my grandma was talking about this a while back, and I found it interesting that she said you didn't see a whole lot of that until about the last 30 years or so. What's changed?
The pill and the women's rights movement created a society in which women had the freedom to be equal to their husband. Women began furthering their education, entering careers and earning livable incomes which contributed to the end of traditional gender subordination.
I think the idea that women "wearing the pants" is a recent happening is false. What you describe has been going on since day one, its just that it was more covert. Instead of having to be manipulative and seductive and resort to trickery more women just flat out step up using assertiveness and even, gasp, show our anger.
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