Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I just wanted to share my feelings with you guys.And i think this site is the best way to do so.
Today, not even three years after our wedding, I woke up in bed alone. Again. My wife, Susan, has slipped out to breast-feed our 2 years -old son, Jackson. Curled up with him on the extra bed in the nursery, she often falls asleep there. Which means she's not coming back to me. I know in my heart that my wife loves me. But could she actually love someone else even more?
At first, I thought, Who could honestly complain about this? A newborn needs and deserves all the attention you can give. In the beginning, I was eager to do every small task to make my wife, to make them, more comfortable, from fetching the bunny blanket to doing diaper duty. But lately, I've been feeling like my role has been reduced to being the family Jeeves. What about my needs?
When I encountered rival suitors during my dating years, I knew my best chance involved removing the other man from the equation. So I invited my wife out to dinner. Alone. Cagily, she professed to look forward to it. "Just us," I think she said. No sooner had we sat down at a nearby trattoria and drawn the napkins across our laps than it became clear there was no "just us," and there might never be again. "Would you call the sitter, see if he's okay?" Susan asked.
"We just left him five minutes ago," I pleaded over the glasses of wine we hadn't yet tasted. "I'm sure he's fine."
"But I miss him," Susan said. I knew there was no reasoning with that. Love is love. Soon after our entr¨¦es arrived, she confessed that she wanted to get home to tuck him in. I paddleboated the plate of fusilli alla verdura into my mouth to keep up with her pacing, and we dashed home. Alas, alas! He was already asleep, and I made my move. "Let's go to bed," I said, and, after coaxing her there, complimented her lingerie: a nursing bra. "Those snaps in the front are very convenient," I joked. But I knew this convenience had nothing to do with me. Not only has my son taken control of my wife's every thought, he has enforced his presence on every inch of her body
My many friends told me the same thing they are experiencing. What baffled me was not their stories, but how unfazed they were by their emotional abandonment, as if they were, unlike me, resigned to the fact that they could never be as important as the kids. What's more, they warned me that talking about it with my wife would only make things worse, that my feelings of dissatisfaction or loneliness would only be belittled or lampooned. Of course, I had to learn the hard way.
"You think you're the only one who's overextended?" Susan asked icily when I pointed out the lack of quality time she and I had been having together.
"No, I never said that," I said. "It's just that, between all the diapers and the feedings and the cleanings, there's no more room for us."
She looked at me like she was unsure if she was offended that I said this sucks or moved that somewhere in there, I had said I miss her.
"Don't worry, it'll get better," she said reassuringly.
I agreed with her at the time, but later wondered: Would it get better, ever? To find out, I phoned my friend Keith. Happily married for the past 20 years, Keith has three children. After conceding that, yeah, he suspects his wife does love his kids more than him, I asked him how he has dealt with it. Silence. I pressed again.
"Okay," he said like a dare, "porn."
"Seriously?"
"The fact of the matter is this: All men deal with loneliness in one of four ways: booze, porn, adultery or golf."
There's no changing it. For the foreseeable future, in my wife's eyes, Jackson comes first. I come second. So who am I miffed at -- Jackson? Of course not. He's just being a toddler, and I love him. Susan? Well, maybe a little.
One thing i know , Life is never gonna be same again. The feeling of lonliness is a now a way of life for me. Being a sole provider of your family is not easy and it sucks when your wife don't have time for you. But i will do what i have always done. I live for them. Their happiness come first.
And Maybe over time I'll learn that my situation's not so bad. Growing up in Minnesota, a friend and I often joked that the state motto should be, "We're number two!" The Vikings made it to several Super Bowls and lost. Every new skyscraper was built almost as tall, but never taller, than the IDS tower. In deference to New York City, Minneapolis branded itself "the mini apple." At times, the entire state celebrated being in second place. Only recently have I begun to take my eyes off the thrill of being number one and concentrate on the particular romance of being number two. Men, we are Minnesota. And you know what? It's nice there.
Being feeling lonely and emotionally abondaned by your wife is not that bad afterall. Is it ??
I don't know what to say to this. As a parent you make a decision to bring a life into this world totally dependent on you.
The act of breast feeding itself promotes incredible bonding for the mom and child.
You do have to see that your marriage is in a different place. And it needs to be. You're no longer a couple but a family.
My kids are getting older and we are finding our way to being a couple again. Our kids are more social without us than they used to be. It's nice finding our way back to each other as a couple.
You will get there again.
It sounds like your wife is a wonderful mom. Be happy about that.
I don't know what to say to this. As a parent you make a decision to bring a life into this world totally dependent on you.
The act of breast feeding itself promotes incredible bonding for the mom and child.
You do have to see that your marriage is in a different place. And it needs to be. You're no longer a couple but a family.
My kids are getting older and we are finding our way to being a couple again. Our kids are more social without us than they used to be. It's nice finding our way back to each other as a couple.
You will get there again.
It sounds like your wife is a wonderful mom. Be happy about that.
Go get golf lessons!!
I agree and I'm a male. Guess what, it's not all about "you" anymore. Now you have a completely new life completely dependent on you and your wife. Your wife still loves you, but she will always be attached to your child and her child in a way you can never imagine. Get used to it.
You need to learn to adapt. A woman's love for her child is much different than her love for her spouse. It sounds like you havent adjusted to having a child yet.
While you may think you're doing a lot, put yourself in your wifes shoes. She does NOT have an off switch for work, nor does she ever get a day off. You go off to work, clock in clock out. A stay at home mom doesnt get to turn the switch OFF.
It will get better... seriously. But please know that nursing an infant or toddler is demanding and women often get "touched out" by the end of the day. It sucks being pawed at relentlessly all day and then knowing that someone else is waiting in line to get a piece, ready to give you attitude, when all you want to do is just have some alone time. Sometimes, you just don't want to cuddle anymore!
The demands of motherhood when you have a young child who needs you for literally everything, added to the demands of marriage when your husband doesn't get that there is only so much of you to go around during this short phase of life... It's just very hard mentally. You have to always weigh your child's needs against your husband's wants... and your own wants and needs rarely come into play.
I'm sure your wife loves you very very much and feels needy for affection, too. And I mean affection, not just sex. Maybe a few sessions with a marriage counselor will help you guys get back on the right track? Maybe you can pitch in more around the house or with childcare, so she's less stressed out? I don't know... My only other suggestion is to try and avoid seeing this as a you vs. child situation. She can't possibly love one of you "more" than the other - it's a different type of love altogether. Don't compete with a baby, it just makes you the bigger child and I'm sure that's not your intention. But just like she has to deal with her choice to bring a life into this world and nurse and nurture it to health, so do you. And just like she has to sacrifice a lot of her body and most of her mind for the time being, so do you. Your wife didn't do this alone. The first step in partnership is being an actual partner.
Also, I just want to point out that "coaxing" her into bed under the guise of a dinner out, and making passive aggressive jokes about the function of her underwear isn't very endearing. I know you probably mean well, but if my husband did that, I'd probably jump at the chance to "accidentally" fall asleep in our kid's room, too.
Cut out the sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, moping and trickery, and focus more on the beauty of the family that you created. Stop waiting for your chance to pounce and start creating more opportunities to bond.
I don't know what to say to this. As a parent you make a decision to bring a life into this world totally dependent on you.
The act of breast feeding itself promotes incredible bonding for the mom and child.
You do have to see that your marriage is in a different place. And it needs to be. You're no longer a couple but a family.
My kids are getting older and we are finding our way to being a couple again. Our kids are more social without us than they used to be. It's nice finding our way back to each other as a couple.
You will get there again.
It sounds like your wife is a wonderful mom. Be happy about that.
Go get golf lessons!!
No no no. Its not like i don't appreciate her for being an incredible mom but sometimes these feelings of lonliness get better off me . Its still night here and i miss her.
Yes, I think she loves your son more than you; and I don't like that. I strongly believe in putting your husband before your kids. The reason I say this is because (like you said), he'll start to feel lonely. Next thing you'll know, everything thing is about your son. You see how he interfere with something as simple as date night? It'll get worse. Then, it'll be about Jackson and preschool and his activities. Then, it'll be about Jackson and school. If you have another child, it'll be about Jackson and the new baby.
If she keeps this up, you'll probably be divorced by the time he starts elementary school (statistically true - read this for proof).
Quote:
If you watch the segment, you’ll meet these two female bloggers who basically say the kids always come first and then laugh about where their spouses fall on the list…. “If you asked me what the breakdown was I would say my children, my girlfriends, then my husband. But…don’t tell him that because he doesn’t know it.” And then they laugh hysterically like it’s all a big joke.
Quote:
If you stop and think about it, it’s the way it should be. You should put your marriage first:
A strong marriage is the healthiest thing you can give your kids. Your kids feel safe and loved when they see two parents who work as a team, take interest in each other, make an effort, display both respect and affection and act like one another’s favorite, even after all these years.
If you put your spouse first, your marriage will last your lifetime. If you want your marriage to last your lifetime, give it the attention and effort it deserves. Your kids will live with you for just two short decades. Putting your marriage on cruise control for 20 years, while you focus on your kids is like falling asleep at the wheel – deadly. When your kids leave, your spouse is the one who’s left. If you’ve made them your last priority (and think it’s funny) they’d be dumb to stay with you.
Spouses aren’t roommates, they’re partners and lovers. When your kids become the center of your universe…your role as wife gets shelved. Slowly you start to feel like a taxi driver, lunch packer and homework checker. You and your spouse become so busy focusing on everything but each other that you drift apart. At first you just feel really busy, but then you start to feel like roommates. You settle into that routine assuming it’s a phase. And you’re right it is a phase: – it’s the beginning of the end. Suddenly the kids are gone – and you can’t remember why you married each other in the first place.
You don’t want to raise obnoxious kids: When you make kids the center of your universe, they turn into adults who think they are the center of the universe.
Don’t you want your kids to grow up and marry someone who puts them first? Of course you do! And, its your job to teach them what it looks like. Show them with your marriage first.
You need to learn to adapt. A woman's love for her child is much different than her love for her spouse. It sounds like you havent adjusted to having a child yet.
While you may think you're doing a lot, put yourself in your wifes shoes. She does NOT have an off switch for work, nor does she ever get a day off. You go off to work, clock in clock out. A stay at home mom doesnt get to turn the switch OFF.
Its not like i want her to dote me 24/7. A simple act of appreciation and love would have done wonders.
I don't even remember when was the last time i slept with her. Funny how life goes.
The first couple of years are exhausting for the mother, and breastfeeding does make you not want to be touched so much by someone else but it will get easier. I think its important for parents to make time for each other (just the two of them) though to keep the relationship strong. Your wife will start to feel more comfortable with having a babysitter look after your son when you go on dates in time - if he hasn't been left with a sitter often yet then it will take a while for her to get comfortable with it so be patient but make time for the both of you and also make sure that she has time to be alone.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
