what to do when your date is fatter/uglier/older than expected? (issues, honest)

[riaelise]

The OP could tell who she was. He was being hyperbolic here.. Even if I'm chunkier than my pic, anyone could tell it's still me..just chunkier. He went out of his way to be an ass. He should've just turned around and left.

That's how online dating works. Many people are going to post their most flattering pictures since obviously the "match.coms" of this world are just hunting grounds.

[TheBigGuy]

The OP could tell who she was. He was being hyperbolic here.. Even if I'm chunkier than my pic, anyone could tell it's still me..just chunkier. He went out of his way to be an ass. He should've just turned around and left.

That's how online dating works. Many people are going to post their most flattering pictures since obviously the "match.coms" of this world are just hunting grounds.

Let's look at the OP:

Originally Posted by capitol

This mostly applies to online dating though it can apply to blind dates. What do you do when your online date is much fatter or uglier than their picture? I had a situation like this recently. Went to a bar and couldn't find my date. I called her and she told me was at the bar. I finally make out which girl is her. Problem is that she was fatter than her pic. Like 20-30 lbs heavier. She didn't really look like her pic anymore. Clearly taken like 2 years ago. I gave her one glance up and down and told her this won't work out, then left the bar. She did text me later, but I was done with her. Whats the protocol in these situations.

Obviously, he couldn't tell who she was if he had to call her. He also stated "she didn't really look like her pic anymore". I'm going to reiterate the 3 points people have a problem with:

1. He said, " I gave her one glance up and down." He didn't say he looked her over like a piece of meat. He looked at her once up and down. Remember, he's in a bar. Bars are small, cramped, dimly-lit, and, in many cases crowded. Some people can see people from a distance. Some people have to walk up to get a good look to recognize someone, especially if they are in a bar and the person you are looking for doesn't look like the person in her profile pic.
2. He said, "told her this won't work out". He was being honest. Something wrong with honesty?
3. He said, "then left the bar." He was so disappointed with her for lying to him, he didn't want to hear her excuse. Are you saying he's wrong to feel this way? Are you saying you've never been so disappointed with someone for lying that you do not have the energy to listen to their excuse? You've never used the phrase, "I don't want to hear your excuses!"?

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by Djuna

I'm surprised and kind of disheartened to see how people were dragged up instead of brought up with a sense of social graces and good manners. Is this what the younger generation has devolved into, a bunch of selfish neanderthals who don't understand that it isn't how others treat you, it's how you treat others?

Were their parents that dense that they couldn't instil the basics, the lubricants that make a society civil?

It's disgusting and and reflection on their bad parenting skills. I hope you lot never breed and infect your kids with your repulsive lack of ethics and basic human kindness.

I, a fierce Gen-Yer put this OP on my Facebook status, and my other millennial friends were quick to call the OP out for his lack of decency. A major dissenter from the others was from Generation X.

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

Thanks for letting us know you don't think posting an obviously fake pic of yourself on a dating site is reflective of bad parenting skills. I'm sure your significant other has gotten a real catch.

Good parenting skills teach you how to react to a bad situation while conducting yourself with class and dignity. If I would have conducted myself like the OP and my old-school mama found out, she'd be on the first plane to Virginia with her belt, she would focus on the fact I conducted myself like an a-hole irrelevant of what the girl did.

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

Once again, he is in a bar. Bars are small, cramped, dimly lit, and, sometimes crowded. Are you going to be able to tell someone's physical appearance in that situation?

Yes, I am. I've been in plenty of bars and despite the poor lighting and smoke, I could always make out a person's general appearance, even if I couldn't see specific details.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

In any case, you can't assume the OP is like you. Just because you can see someone's physical appearance easily from a distance, that doesn't mean other people can. You don't need to walk up to see a person's appearance? Fine. Other people do. And the OP may be one of those people. I'm one of those people.

Sorry, but this is laughable. I don't care how dimly lit a bar is. Even someone with less than perfect vision can see what shape an object is without having to look at it up close.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

Here's the thing: you keep saying stuff like "you're the one who brought up the idea of buying drinks; not me" and "you're the one who said gentlemanly; not me". Here's something back at you: you're the one who keeps saying he looked her up and down like a piece of meat; not me, nor anyone else who agrees with the OP. If you don't like people putting words in your mouth, you should respect that in others.

I'm not putting words your in mouth. I'm simply characterizing what the OP did. In his own words, he said he looked her up and down. That's how you look at a piece of meat.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

You would have tried to hide the fact that you're disappointed? Then you would have lied to her. So lying is what you consider classy?

Go back and read what I said. I said that I wouldn't have tried to hide my disappointment.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

When he says "her profile is not a representative of her at all" he means her looks as well as her personality.

How do you know? Are you a mind reader? Nowhere in that statement do I see any mention of personality. You're just inferring that's what the OP meant.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

So what? If I see a woman's profile on a dating site, meet her in real life, and it turns out she's hotter in real life, is there a problem? No. If it turns out she's drastically unattractive in real life, there's a problem.

Then don't claim it's their dishonesty that you take issue with when what you're really upset about is that the lie didn't end up in your favor. That's what's so funny about the OP's post. He's upset this woman lied to him and yet he himself is lying. This reminds me of an episode of The Practice. A woman had a stranger arrested for kissing her. She said it was assault. But when asked if she would feel the same way if Brad Pitt had kissed her, she said no. In other words, what she was upset about was that some ugly guy kissed her, not that she was kissed. It's the same thing here.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

She didn't embellish details. She posted a significantly different picture; that's a lie. Two different things. If I say I'm going to pay you $100 and I end up giving up $25, am I embellishing details or lying?

Once again, I'll ask you to go back and read what I wrote. I didn't say she was guilty of embellishing. I said that he could be the one who exaggerated. He can claim she was 30 pounds overweight, but how do we know? All we have is his word.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

You are at fault for lying. Suppose I hit your car. You come out and ask who did it. I said it was some guy who took off so fast I didn't catch his plates. Who is at fault? Me for lying or you for "interpreting my dishonesty in the wrong way"?

Thank you. You just demonstrated what several of us have been trying to say, which is that it's the intent of the person doing the lying that matters. In the example you just described, you lied about hitting my car because you didn't want to have to pay for the damage to my car. But in the case of the woman the OP met, where is the malicious intent? If she truly wanted to hurt this man, then why show up at all? If I wanted to hurt someone I was chatting with online, I wouldn't waste my time driving down to a bar to meet with them.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

No. The OP was so disappointed in her he didn't have the energy to care to listen in her explanation. Is he wrong for being so disappointed in someone who lied to him he doesn't want to hear the explanation?

Yes, because it shows a lack of maturity. If someone lies to you, you stay and demand an explanation. You don't stomp out like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

Look at your post above: you said if you met her, you would hide your disappointment. Isn't that holding back resentment? You also said he should have stayed there 5-10 minutes to chat. Isn't that engaging in small talk?

Look at my post above. I said that I wouldn't hide my disappointment. Yes, I said he should've stuck around to chat, but I never said it should be small talk. On the contrary, I think he should've stayed just long enough to ask why she lied about her appearance.

[Djuna]

Originally Posted by The Dissenter

I, a fierce Gen-Yer put this OP on my Facebook status, and my other millennial friends were quick to call the OP out for his lack of decency. A major dissenter from the others was from Generation X.

I completely acknowledge I was generalising. I know many Gen Y people with a wonderful sense of decency and kindness. I also noted a couple of 40+ year olds supporting the OP so it's not as if whole generations of people are nice and another generation isn't. Heck, I know of 70+ year olds who are mean spirited douches. I guess it all boils down to your personal philosophy about how you will treat others, not just people who are nice to you but to those who choose to be less than stellar. Those actions maketh the man or woman.

[Djuna]

Originally Posted by TheBigGuy

Thanks for letting us know you don't think posting an obviously fake pic of yourself on a dating site is reflective of bad parenting skills. I'm sure your significant other has gotten a real catch.

Let me ask him.

He thinks I am the love of his life and he thoroughly appreciates his delicious Subaru WRX STi he received for his 40th birthday.

So once again you're wrong. Bit of a pattern isn't it

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by bxlefty23

going through life rewarding people for treating you like garbage makes no sense.

Somebody posting a flattering picture = treating you like garbage? Wow.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by Lilac110

Not only did he behave like a consummate jerkwad, he was also pretty stupid about it, too. He didn't even tell her why he was walking away. He just looked at her, spewed out a declaration, and waltzed out. For all we know, this woman has no idea what was going through his head and may very well not be aware that he felt deceived. Two years will not change your face that much unless you're a meth-head, and 20-30 pounds won't change much unless you're 5 feet tall. She might not even be aware of the difference between her pictures and her flesh-and-blood presentation. I've had many, many people tell me I look different than I do in photos.

And furthermore, most people (and definitely most guys), wouldn't know a twenty pound difference to look at it, anyway. I've never even known a guy to be able to estimate others' weight with anything resembling accuracy, unless they were medical professionals or trainers.

[Djuna]

Originally Posted by TabulaRasa

Somebody posting a flattering picture = treating you like garbage? Wow.

Delusional and borderline sociopathic. People with mental illness quite often have this paranoid, the world-is-out-to-get-me mentality. And this poster along with a couple of others, as well as the OP, fit into that category of abnormal thinking in my opinion. Lashing out at people whom they perceive wronged them intentionally simply isn't how well adjusted people think.