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This is me to a tee. But only with dating. I continue to have the confidence to learn to better myself as a photo artist and to learn to play my guitars, but dating will always be a mystery to me. I almost asked one woman out. Only one in my whole life and I am 44 now. Like I said this is me to a tee.
What you need to do is learn from your confident experiences in other endeavors and apply it to meeting others. I'm sure you things didn't always go well with photography or the guitar, yet you gained confidence. Give yourself a chance to fail at relationships and you may find you have more confidence than you think. You're not too old to start now, so give it a chance.
What stopped you? Do you choose to be unaware of yourself as a person and think you have bad luck or something? It sounds like you'd like a relationship so what is tripping you up from having one?
I spent my teens, twenties, and most of my thirties believing I was unlovable. So as i began to ask my coworker these thoughts crept in and derailed my attempt. She seemed so happy with me attempting to ask her out. Then I turned and walked away from her without actually asking. She looked so sad.
I spent my teens, twenties, and most of my thirties believing I was unlovable. So as i began to ask my coworker these thoughts crept in and derailed my attempt. She seemed so happy with me attempting to ask her out. Then I turned and walked away from her without actually asking. She looked so sad.
A really sad thing to think about yourself. I know by experience and I'm still in my twenties.
[quote=TJenkins602;31490188]A really sad thing to think about yourself. I know by experience and I'm still in my twenties.[/QUOT
It took me until 40 to realize that it was completely irrational.
At the end of the day, we all wanna be with someone who is attractive to us physically/sexually. I guarantee you nearly every man alive with "confidence" toward the opposite sex developed that confidence when he was young and realized the girls at school or in the neighborhood were drawn to him. I also guarantee you nearly every man alive labeled "lame" or who lacks "confidence" is that way because at one point, he was doing the same things as his better looking friends and coming up EMPTY HANDED, causing a lack of confidence. Not because he did something wrong, just cuz the girls wanted the cute one, not the ugly one. And nobody wants to think maybe it's cuz they're just ugly cuz that would mean it's completely beyond their control.
Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.
I'm sure there are exceptions but I'm going to go ahead and say physical appearance/looks are at the root of most of these situations - either directly or indirectly.
So what are we left with? An entire generation of people who, due to the multitude of perceived "options" thru social media, dating sites, etc. constantly think they can do BETTER than what they've had. The "bitter single black woman who overlooks all the good men" stereotype is probably a woman who isn't fine enough to get the attention of the man she really wants, or if she is, is too ******* mean or crazy to keep that attention. The "lame, soft, non confident stereotype is probably an ugly duckling who's been rejected more often than not and has already been taught his station in life, so his lack of confidence toward the opposite sex was gained honestly, not because he's a lame inherently, but because the world has taught him he is lame. How else are you supposed to respond when you do the same shyt as the guy next to you, and maybe are smarter, funnier, wittier, etc. but he gets all the p*ssy and you get none? You're taught you don't deserve it so why keep putting yourself thru the same pain over and over?
So really the question remains - if you're one of those women whose p*ssy just can't get wet for anything less than Shemar Moore, you don't have a lot of recourse cuz the men you want are ******* the finest society has to offer, cuz they get to choose. If you're one of those men who is a 5 who wants a 9/10, you're clearly trying to outkick your coverage. So what is someone who isn't physically attractive enough to get who they want supposed to do? And don't say "dress better" "work out" cuz for many, that may HELP but not FIX anything. Ugly is ugly. Or average is average. What are these people supposed to do? Either be with someone who doesn't the juices flowing, or go on the internet and bytch that they can't have who they really want. There's really no winning here.
There's a lot to unpack here.
I agree that men have been way oversold on the whole "be confident" thing. Confidence is a great thing to have, and all else being equal, confident men are more attractive to more women than men who lack confidence. But confidence is not a superpower. Confidence is only an asset to a man who had lot of other positive qualities already working for him--e.g. if he is good looking, witty, charming, interesting, etc. If a man who is unattractive, dull-witted, obnoxious and boring shows great confidence, he will be dismissed as a creep. As you say, confidence is built up over a lifetime of positive experiences. It cannot be willed into existence.
Where I disagree is on the looks issue. Yes, beauty is appealing. But to elevate beauty above all other considerations, to be unable to relate intimately to anyone who is not a 9 or a 10, is a learned behavior. And it is a dysfunctional learned behavior. As we get older, most of discover that beauty has little to do with sexual compatibility. The prettiest people are not the ones we necessarily end up having the best sex with. Once people realize that, they can stop only looking at the 9s and 10s and broaden their horizons a little.
While it is irrational, it is often based on some experience one had as a child. However that played out depends on the individual.
I agree. In my case, being put down by a teacher in elementary school likely affected my confidence more than I thought. I'm glad I got over it enough to try and find someone. It also helped that she was interested in me enough to hint that she was a sure thing for a date.
I agree. In my case, being put down by a teacher in elementary school likely affected my confidence more than I thought. I'm glad I got over it enough to try and find someone. It also helped that she was interested in me enough to hint that she was a sure thing for a date.
The coworker I wrote about was pretty much a sure thing too. During my fumbled attempt I said to her " you would shoot me down in a heartbeat" she smiled and replied ,"not necessarily". Still I turned and walked away.
I get what the OP is saying, I was in a frat in college and did all the same things as other guys plus I power lifted, worked out the whole 9 yards and got no play while the other guys who were more handsome got play. In fact an event that stands out to this day was coming back from a party we all plied into a car with some girls and one of the girls said you need to move to the front we want to sit with this other guy, so this other guy was sandwiched between 2 cute girls who were trying to win him over. Did not matter that I was in great shape (so was he). After that night I knew I had to lower my standards and it was a hard process, I started off going WAY low and felt way low.
At the end of the day, we all wanna be with someone who is attractive to us physically/sexually. I guarantee you nearly every man alive with "confidence" toward the opposite sex developed that confidence when he was young and realized the girls at school or in the neighborhood were drawn to him. I also guarantee you nearly every man alive labeled "lame" or who lacks "confidence" is that way because at one point, he was doing the same things as his better looking friends and coming up EMPTY HANDED, causing a lack of confidence. Not because he did something wrong, just cuz the girls wanted the cute one, not the ugly one. And nobody wants to think maybe it's cuz they're just ugly cuz that would mean it's completely beyond their control.
Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.
I'm sure there are exceptions but I'm going to go ahead and say physical appearance/looks are at the root of most of these situations - either directly or indirectly.
So what are we left with? An entire generation of people who, due to the multitude of perceived "options" thru social media, dating sites, etc. constantly think they can do BETTER than what they've had. The "bitter single black woman who overlooks all the good men" stereotype is probably a woman who isn't fine enough to get the attention of the man she really wants, or if she is, is too ******* mean or crazy to keep that attention. The "lame, soft, non confident stereotype is probably an ugly duckling who's been rejected more often than not and has already been taught his station in life, so his lack of confidence toward the opposite sex was gained honestly, not because he's a lame inherently, but because the world has taught him he is lame. How else are you supposed to respond when you do the same shyt as the guy next to you, and maybe are smarter, funnier, wittier, etc. but he gets all the p*ssy and you get none? You're taught you don't deserve it so why keep putting yourself thru the same pain over and over?
So really the question remains - if you're one of those women whose p*ssy just can't get wet for anything less than Shemar Moore, you don't have a lot of recourse cuz the men you want are ******* the finest society has to offer, cuz they get to choose. If you're one of those men who is a 5 who wants a 9/10, you're clearly trying to outkick your coverage. So what is someone who isn't physically attractive enough to get who they want supposed to do? And don't say "dress better" "work out" cuz for many, that may HELP but not FIX anything. Ugly is ugly. Or average is average. What are these people supposed to do? Either be with someone who doesn't the juices flowing, or go on the internet and bytch that they can't have who they really want. There's really no winning here.
Feminist abuse can also account for much.
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