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My BF has recently repeatedly told me that he wants an open relationship. Normally this is where I would end things but in this case I am considering it, because I have lots more dating experience than he does, and I want him to be happy and secure in his choice. He has only been intimate with one other person, and never really dated but was married for four years. He's just been focused more on his career and studies, but at 36 I think he feels like he has been missing out. I've dated quite a lot, and have much more sexual experience than he has, but our sex life is BY FAR the best I have ever had. We have unbelievable chemistry and similar taste.
My question is, how do others who have had an open relationship (and I know there are quite a few here) deal with the jealousy? In theory I don't have a problem with him seeing someone else; I love him and want him to know what a great thing we have but I feel like he doesn't quite appreciate it because he has never been involved with anyone else besides his ex. But I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't deal well with the jealousy. Can these open relationships really work or is it just a slow and painful way to a break up?
You have been given some good advice so far to be cautious. From what you've written, I am not sure it's a good idea. Even if he has a few trysts, he may not be satisfied. There is also no guarantee that he will decide to become monogamous with you again. He might have a great time and love you all the more for giving him the gift of freedom, or he might have a great time and not want to give that up. He might have a terrible time and want to keep searching for that greener grass. There is no way to turn back the clock and get those lost years back.
Nila addressed jealousy very well. If you are still interested in talking about it, send me a direct message.
Same here, same here. This whole, "honey, I love you with all my heart and soul, but my body has to be shared with three men at the same time. If you love me, you accept me for me." just makes ZERO sense to me.
Zero sense to me either.
But then, you and I come from a background and belief that sex is sacred and meant to be part of a committed exclusive love.
To each his own.
But personally, knowing that my husband could literally have any woman he wants and yet chose me, continues to choose JUST ME, is extremely empowering and exquisitely sublime
sub·lime
adj.
1. Characterized by nobility; majestic
2. Of high spiritual, moral, or intellectual worth.
Not to be excelled; supreme.
3. Inspiring awe; impressive.
Of course. There is no secret recipe for a lifelong relationship.
I have not heard anybody in open relationships say being non-monogamous keeps them together.
I have not heard the vast majority of what they claim their open "friends" tell them. I will note two things that make this communication less then useful.
1. People receiving information on this topic who are not open to new ideas tend to place them into the context of their relationship experience. This is perfectly normal for all humans to filter their communication through their own experience.
2. Most of us who have been successful in responsibly non-monogamous relationships don't necessarily communicate with full openness and honesty with their mono counterparts. I have spoken with some of my friends. We get a bit sick of the accusations of affairs as if we MUST be being deceitful despite full discolsure being the first and most basic tenet of any RESPONSIBLE non-monogamous relationship. Also it is just tedious to be continually misunderstood.
But then, you and I come from a background and belief that sex is sacred and meant to be part of a committed exclusive love.
To each his own.
But personally, knowing that my husband could literally have any woman he wants and yet chose me, continues to choose JUST ME, is extremely empowering and exquisitely sublime
sub·lime
adj.
1. Characterized by nobility; majestic
2. Of high spiritual, moral, or intellectual worth.
Not to be excelled; supreme.
3. Inspiring awe; impressive.
Exactly! =)
who the heck wants to share their men with so many different women? LOL
I don't need you to believe me. The cutesy smiley was a nice touch, though.
my reaction to this is one of shrugged shoulders. If it works for you, it works for you. Everyone's consenting and everyone's happy with the situation. Key word: happy
I don't believe for ONE second that you are happy knowing that your husband is screwing other women. Sorry, I just don't. =)
I can honestly say this is one of the most offensive things I have ever seen written. Who the heck are you to tell someone else that their experience is incorrect because it differs than yours. It makes me sick to my stomach to be told on boards such as this one that their is something wrong with me when the same boards are full of shriveled old crones complaining about their husbands and men complaining that they never get any from their wives. The whole lot of you just a bunch of miserable wretches. The divorce rate as bad as ever. Cheating practically an assumed part of any relationship.
But no, people with my sort of lifestyle must be secretly unhappy because our hearts and bodies are not guarded like Fort Knox. I am sick for my poor children's place in this world.
I have not heard the vast majority of what they claim their open "friends" tell them. I will note two things that make this communication less then useful.
1. People receiving information on this topic who are not open to new ideas tend to place them into the context of their relationship experience. This is perfectly normal for all humans to filter their communication through their own experience.
2. Most of us who have been successful in responsibly non-monogamous relationships don't necessarily communicate with full openness and honesty with their mono counterparts. I have spoken with some of my friends. We get a bit sick of the accusations of affairs as if we MUST be being deceitful despite full discolsure being the first and most basic tenet of any RESPONSIBLE non-monogamous relationship. Also it is just tedious to be continually misunderstood.
Am I preaching to your choir, JJ?
Yes to everything, especially the tedium. I don't mind honest and respectful dialog, but unfortunately that is rare.
That is very true. But, it's not the point - just like those facts rarely deter anyone who prefers monogamous relationships. It's really about the quest for finding happiness in the form that appeals to you based on how you're "wired". It is useful to know the risks, of course, and I also think that poly relationships may not last as long - on average - as mono ones. More people increase the odds that someone will want something else eventually.
If everyone is seeking the same thing ( which i very much doubt ) as we all have different personalities/ pasts/values/upbringings/beliefs/coping mechanisms/emotional needs/views.
So it is logical. if nothing else, that to put all these differences into one brand of love is simply unsustainable.
And reading through, it would seem the cracks are already showing for some of them.
People change, situations change, some fall out of love, there is an element of not being accountable within this style of open love, which i guess for some gives an illusion of freedom from hurt and if you have been emotionally hurt you might be more drawn to this style because it protects you from intimacy, like a child really.
I can honestly say this is one of the most offensive things I have ever seen written. Who the heck are you to tell someone else that their experience is incorrect because it differs than yours. It makes me sick to my stomach to be told on boards such as this one that their is something wrong with me when the same boards are full of shriveled old crones complaining about their husbands and men complaining that they never get any from their wives. The whole lot of you just a bunch of miserable wretches. The divorce rate as bad as ever. Cheating practically an assumed part of any relationship.
But no, people with my sort of lifestyle must be secretly unhappy because our hearts and bodies are not guarded like Fort Knox. I am sick for my poor children's place in this world.
I am very sorry that if you found my post to be offensive.
We had this open relationship discussion before, read the old posts.
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