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Her concern not only exists, but it is very valid. It's not just about having a physical affair. It's about the crappy things he tells you about her, whether they are true or not. He's confiding in you things he really should not confide to another woman, especially a woman he knows his wife already disdains. There is a connection between the two of you and it is growing. You're becoming possisive of him toward his wife.
You're a bit over-selfish to think that her concernss are unreasonable based solely on the fact that you think they are. You rarely even mention your friend except in terms of what he says about his wife, almost to the point that this is more a competition between you and her than anything else.
^^^All of this. Whether the wife is jealous or irrational or not, it's flat-out wrong to have this type of connection to a married man. Opposite-sex friends who are true friends do not conduct themselves this way.
I have a really hard time believing they've been friends for two years but it's not the same guy she was talking about on here 2 years ago unless she's inappropriate with all of her male coworkers.
I don't see how he is the emotional and physical abuser or manipulative. There's no evidence of that. There is evidence of his wife being manipulative and an emotional abuser. I've seen direct evidence, but go ahead and take her side. I've not just heard things from my friend, but our other co worker told me this and he is no longer friends with him because of her. Believe what you want to believe, but I have the truth and the facts.
Yes we know that you can't see how he is being manipulative. If you could see it you wouldn't be in this situation. Most here are just trying to spare you the anguish coming but this is one of life's lessons you'll have to learn on your own.
Now you are under the impression that, within just a few short hours, the wife has realized she is crazy and wrong - or you expect us to believe that. Everything is all of a sudden fine in their marriage, counseling no longer needed and the three of you will be great friends. Sure. If that is what you need to tell yourself.
By making her the bad guy and "winning" she is getting an ego stroke. By making the wife feel bad, she is getting off on it.
She asked a question and like Aliss said, nearly 40 pages told her she was wrong. Since she refuses to realize the truth, that shows us that she did not come here for an honest answer. She gets off on making the wife feel bad and "winning" the contest of stealing the man. She is full of crap and loving it. She wants to take him away like an object and win. She's an insecure female who will get off on destroying a marriage because she thinks it will make her the "hotter" more awesome female. /eyeroll. She needs to end the friendship if she REALLY cared about the friendship. This whole BS about "well he wants to be my friend" is a LOAD of PURE CRAP. She knows it. Excuses, excuses. Typical on how an affair starts, DUH. Well, the "wife" is so mean to him and he deserves better so I'm going to give that to him! LOL what a fool.
As far as I can see his wife deserves better than this man. I have worked with various people who are married and found me attractive..they drop very subtle discreet hints to see if I would nibble the bait..I am no fool...but they didn't even directly approach me with that BS because I don't play like that. I let it be known upfront I respect married men, married women and marriage.
I've met some gems so in love with their wives if they even sensed that a woman they were around was interested in them, they will start telling anecdotes about his wife and how he is married to the best woman in the world as way to gently express they are off limits in case the female was wondering.
The man the OP is on the prowl for, is not in love enough or strong enough to do that.
^^^All of this. Whether the wife is jealous or irrational or not, it's flat-out wrong to have this type of connection to a married man. Opposite-sex friends who are true friends do not conduct themselves this way.
I have a really hard time believing they've been friends for two years but it's not the same guy she was talking about on here 2 years ago unless she's inappropriate with all of her male coworkers.
Yes I did date a guy I work with at another job I have. That did not work out. These are not office jobs and people do not look down on dating coworkers. In fact, where I work it seems encouraged. However, I did keep it private.
Why is it wrong to simply be friends with a married man where most of the contact is at work. We only sometimes text and hang out for a drink after work. We haven't conducted ourselves in any negative way. It was only perceived wrongly by his wife, which she acknowledges.
Her concern not only exists, but it is very valid. It's not just about having a physical affair. It's about the crappy things he tells you about her, whether they are true or not. He's confiding in you things he really should not confide to another woman, especially a woman he knows his wife already disdains. There is a connection between the two of you and it is growing. You're becoming possisive of him toward his wife.
You're a bit over-selfish to think that her concernss are unreasonable based solely on the fact that you think they are. You rarely even mention your friend except in terms of what he says about his wife, almost to the point that this is more a competition between you and her than anything else.
Great post, and I couldn't rep you again yet.
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Why is it wrong to simply be friends with a married man where most of the contact is at work.
Because doing so is violating boundaries that ensure the sanctity of the marriage.. You are a trespasser in their marraige. If he is a colleague, all of the contact should be at work. Both people in the marriage make the rules about who they will allow to be close to them. The decision should be unananimous. Your "friend" is being inappropriate also. He is behaving like footloose fancy free single man, when he is NOT. He is accountable to his wife. Her alleged problems or issues have nothing to do with this. She is entitled to this because of her position: WIFE.
We only sometimes text and hang out for a drink after work.
The texting and drinking are exacerbating the problem. You are signaling to each other you want to be involved in a way that has nothing to do with work. The texting connotes an aura of illicit secrecy. The drinking will eventually tempt one or both of you to do something wildly inappropriate, like kiss or touch. Small jump to sexual intimacy from there.
We haven't conducted ourselves in any negative way.
Don't believe you. Since you're confused about things like the respect two married people owe each other, you may be confused about the definition of the term negative.
It was only perceived wrongly by his wife, which she acknowledges.
Keep playing with the wife and she may file a complaint against you with the husband's company. Very interested to know what the guy you're dating has to say about ALL of this..not just the parts you share with him.
It's ok. If he didn't want to be friends with me anymore, I'd understand. I'd let it go. I would walk away. I don't need fairweather friends. Friends who give up friends over stupid misunderstandings are fickle and fairweather friends. Only cowards do that. I am not any of those things. He does want to be friends with me. He doesn't want to have to lose a friend over silly misunderstandings. It's his wife's problem though and she knows and hopefully we will be able to clear everything up.
Again, your focus seems to be on your perceived value to him - on him wanting to keep you because you matter that much? And your need for his wife to acknowledge, accept, and respect that and conform to the behaviors you'd prefer yet claim to want on his behalf.
I don't even belong to the same camp as those in this thread who think aspects of your friendship are inherently wrong just because the guy is married and even I agree with them that you're investing so much in this for your own self-involved attachment to this guy rather than for any sort of principled I don't stay for me, I stay for him altruism.
I'm not surprised that I'm not the only one wondering what the actual point was of this thread if you're brimming with such resolve that you're bucking feedback with arguments that further prove the points you're arguing against.
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I've not just heard things from my friend, but our other co worker told me this and he is no longer friends with him because of her. Believe what you want to believe, but I have the truth and the facts.
