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The last time my brother and I saw our father,Nolan Moore, was 25 years ago, my brother was 20 and I was 18. My dad said that he was going overseas for some sort of business, to the Phillipines. After some years of not hearing from him and doing searches but coming up with nothing we thought it was a very real possibility that he could be dead. To be truthful, it was easier to believe this than to think that he was alive and simply chose not to contact us. We went on with life and both married and had kids of our own. Whenever the question of "WHERE'S GRANDDAD" came up we told the kids the truth that he left years ago and we don't know where he is. A couple of weeks ago I did another search for him and found that he is alive and well living in Tempe, Az-at an apt. complex named Scottsdale Gateway apartments. I wrote him letter after letter and have recieved no reply, but do have confirmation that this person is my long lost father. I feel like I have no other choice but to fly out to Tempe, I live in Virginia, and knock on his door. My question is why didn't you even try to contact us over the past 25 years, I know the answer may not be to my liking and that's OK, I have preparred myself for that. I'm an adult now and I can handle any truth, and that's all I'm after.
My circumstances were a little different than yours but I broke off all ties with my old man when I was about 15 years old. It was damn ugly at the time but it was for the best. I've had a hard life with more than my share of heartache. Had I continued to include my father in my life and follow his examples, my sorrows would have surely been compounded and I would have missed a love few could ever know.
For whatever reason, your father made his choices and has lived with them. I believe you might be wise to move on with your life and be the good person he was unable to be.
He knows you have now found him out and still not communicated with you. He has nothing to offer you but more pain if you were to confront him in person. He has lived a lie for 25 years. Why do you think he would have a sudden fit of truthfulness now? Why would you seek even more pain and unanswered questions? I hope you
LOVE and LIVE WELL
I have been in your situation. My parents broke up when I was very young and my father maintained little contact with my sister and I. He basically stopped seeing us by the time I was 7 and my sister was 5. However, I knew that he had married again, had more children, and kept in contact with them yet never bothered with us. I will point out I was never disturbed by this because he had cheated on my mother and did not feel he was worthy of my attentions. When I became an adult I was finally curious about him and sought him out. We had many telephone conversations and I did find the courage to ask him why he did not keep in contact with my sister and I but kept in touch with his other children. He told me he was a coward and felt unworthy. Grant it he had a bad past (was in prison for a spell) but I felt his excuse was pitiful. I did rant and rave at him because I felt he wanted my pity but I wasn't going to give it to him. So after a few conversations, I decided I wanted to meet him. Naturally my mother objected to this meeting but I felt it was time. I was 26 by the time I was re-introduced to my father. My sister was not interested and did not acknowledge him as her father; my mom had married a worthy man whom my sister references as her father. Anyways, I met with my father, kept contact (he was not a good correspondence) for a little while but eventually lost touch with him. He had plenty of opportunities to continue contact but obviously did not pursue this. I found closure after I re-acquainted myself with him. I got to know him and did try to maintain what little of a relationship we had but I guess he didn't feel the same (we also had different religious feelings so this might have been a hindrance) Oh well. I got the closure I needed and haven't looked back since.
I wish you luck in your endeavor. Hopefully everyone is satisfied with the turnout. Just remember - if you go to visit your father, try not to have too high of expectations. You are making the effort. That should be your biggest comfort.
The last time my brother and I saw our father,Nolan Moore, was 25 years ago, my brother was 20 and I was 18. My dad said that he was going overseas for some sort of business, to the Phillipines. After some years of not hearing from him and doing searches but coming up with nothing we thought it was a very real possibility that he could be dead. To be truthful, it was easier to believe this than to think that he was alive and simply chose not to contact us. We went on with life and both married and had kids of our own. Whenever the question of "WHERE'S GRANDDAD" came up we told the kids the truth that he left years ago and we don't know where he is. A couple of weeks ago I did another search for him and found that he is alive and well living in Tempe, Az-at an apt. complex named Scottsdale Gateway apartments. I wrote him letter after letter and have recieved no reply, but do have confirmation that this person is my long lost father. I feel like I have no other choice but to fly out to Tempe, I live in Virginia, and knock on his door. My question is why didn't you even try to contact us over the past 25 years, I know the answer may not be to my liking and that's OK, I have preparred myself for that. I'm an adult now and I can handle any truth, and that's all I'm after.
I have not read any other replys, but submit, that I would most certainly go.
There could be 3 reasons why he has not answered you
1. This man is not your father.
2. He is in denial and has not been truthful with his present family....but rather then cause him trouble, perhaps you can observe him from a distance...or confront him, which ever you choose.
3. And I know this to be true. Years ago, I knew a woman, whose husband had a breakdown and just disappeared. When they found him, he did not know his real name...nor his family. It took many years of long theropy to bring him back. It is possible, though, not probable that this may have happened.
Whatever the case may be, you DO need closure....and, I would go, if I were you...but I would make no plans or have no expecations.....of what I was going to do when I saw him. Just take it one step at a time.
Hugs to you
P.S. I never knew my real father...or even who he was, so I understand your desire for closure.
May I add a number 4? That he feels that he was an SOB to have left and that you are better off without him than with him. That he isn't worth it.
I say go, too, if only to meet him at the door and see what he looks like. But be prepared, too, for rejection.
BTW, I never knew my bio father either and when I spoke to him on the phone about 20 years ago, he had no interest in meeting me. Since I had a dad, I just let it go. But he is dead now and I would have just liked to have seen what he looked like.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
I have not read any other replys, but submit, that I would most certainly go.
There could be 3 reasons why he has not answered you
1. This man is not your father.
2. He is in denial and has not been truthful with his present family....but rather then cause him trouble, perhaps you can observe him from a distance...or confront him, which ever you choose.
3. And I know this to be true. Years ago, I knew a woman, whose husband had a breakdown and just disappeared. When they found him, he did not know his real name...nor his family. It took many years of long theropy to bring him back. It is possible, though, not probable that this may have happened.
Whatever the case may be, you DO need closure....and, I would go, if I were you...but I would make no plans or have no expecations.....of what I was going to do when I saw him. Just take it one step at a time.
Hugs to you
P.S. I never knew my real father...or even who he was, so I understand your desire for closure.
schapman - I made a more indepth reply to your other thread in Parenting. He didn't really abandon you both, he just left once you were grown up (18, 20 years of age). Sure it's a let down, but in case you don't talk to him face to face, just move on with your lives.
My boyfriend's mom is adopted, and last year, his oldest sister tracked down them mom's birth mother. The woman has a family of her own and isn't interested in getting to know any extra relatives. I myself love my stepfather like a real dad and refer to my blood father as my exdad. He didn't make much of an effort to be our dad and stay in touch in the early years, didn't have to pay child support because my stepdad said it wasn't necessary so he didn't, and when his second wife couldn't have kids, he wanted to get to know his three daughters better, but by then, we didn't want to know him. So blood ties aren't everything. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.
At least try to call him first before flying out there. If he's a jerk on the phone you can save yourself the anguish and the airfare.
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