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Fair enough. I do support the trend. No reason to be in any relationship unless you like being in the relationship. If not, go be single, nothing wrong with that.
Yeah - call me crazy but I'd rather someone NOT stay with me if they weren't happy.
The second school, which I'll call "modern", says that the principal purpose of a marriage is mutual happiness, and if one of the partners feels serious doubt that her/his happiness is propitiated by the marriage, then the marriage should be dissolved. We are seeing growth of the second viewpoint and retreat of the former, as antiquated and myopic. Personally I don't support such a trend, but nevertheless, there it is.
Neither do I. What most (mature) people don't realize about marriage is that there will be times when you wonder if you made the right choice. Normal. When you really want to check out of it. Totally normal. When you feel no love for your spouse. Again, normal. And this was coming from a marriage counselor that my ex-H and I saw.
You cannot be all things to everyone, not even a mate. I think that oftentimes people who are "unhappy" in their marriages simply don't have enough outside interests to keep them occupied, or enough close friends to spend time with. They have no one passion that drives them -- them -- so they look for passion externally.
In the words of Betty Draper, "Only boring people are bored."
I won't go into the how it happened (my previous thread explains most of it), but now that my wife and I are going through the divorce I'm feeling angry about the whole thing. Angry at myself for not being able to stop it, and angry at her for justifying starting a relationship with someone else because she wasn't getting what she wanted from me emotionally. She keeps telling me I'm a good provider and have always been on the same page with the finances, yet this is not enough of a reason to stay married. My record of in the entire 28 years we were together (4 dating and 24 married) I NEVER CHEATED, HIT OR CURSED AT HER. So what?? That didn't mean anything in the end either. My depression doesn't even fly as an excuse. She just felt I would not change as a person and always be emotionally unavailable to her when she needs me the most. Sure I went and held up every time I was there for her emotionally, but in the end the times I wasn't there hold the most weight for her. So why the anger?? If anyone out there can shed a little light it would be much appreciated. Oh yes the fact that she says she will always love me pisses me off too!!
She will now find out if the grass is greener on the other side, she might find out it isn't.
Anger is a natural human emotion.
The problem is that is can consume someone. It is possible to waste a lot of time and energy being angry.
Problem is, how do you shut that off? When I have been angry from a relationship, 2 totally different events reduced my anger.
So most likely, the event that calms you will be different.
You are hurt, understandably so. 28 years. That is a long time.
Moving forward, you will look back at this phase of your life, the immediate relationship fallout phase, as a time you were a mess.
Hopefully you make it through without doing anything extreme or out of character. Sometimes when we are hurt, we seek comfort in places/people in which we would never normally. And then due to poor judgement we wind up in a messy situation. Hopefully when you finally get past this, you come out a better person, without any added scars.
Remember, a wise man once said....
"fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side"
Stay away from the dark side. And to eliminate the temptation, stay away from fear and anger.
Yeah - call me crazy but I'd rather someone NOT stay with me if they weren't happy.
THIS! Doesn't matter the reason, if they are not happy and don't want to work it out let them go. Arguing with someone and trying to force them to stay is not going to make anyone in the relationship happier.
There appear to be two schools of thought. One, which I'll call "traditional", says that not-cheating/hitting/cursing, being a good provider and a responsible adult are sufficient conditions for a marriage. Meet those conditions, and dissolving a marriage becomes specious and vain. The second school, which I'll call "modern", says that the principal purpose of a marriage is mutual happiness, and if one of the partners feels serious doubt that her/his happiness is propitiated by the marriage, then the marriage should be dissolved. We are seeing growth of the second viewpoint and retreat of the former, as antiquated and myopic. Personally I don't support such a trend, but nevertheless, there it is.
Regarding the OP's marriage, obviously we don't know the details, but the pattern is familiar. One of the partners (typically the husband) remains invariant and predictable; perhaps stodgy, even dull, but very much the same man at 50 as at 30. The other partner (typically the wife) has changed. Her values have changed, her outlook on life, her priorities, her expectations, what animates her, what gives her reason to get out of bed every morning. Slowly, but over time quite substantially, these things changed. But her husband didn't notice. Maybe he was oblivious or insensitive. Maybe the wife was not sufficiently communicative. In any case, she changed, but he did not, and now they're no longer the same couple that got married all of those years ago. The wife no longer feels that continuing the marriage is worthwhile, but the husband is utterly stunned that such an opinion could even be formed, let alone acted upon.
I have no advice for the OP - only sympathy, and the consolation that his case isn't unique, or even unusual.
What you said I can't disagree with and you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I just thought that me trying to deal with my depression warranted a little time and patience on her part (in sickness and in health).
I won't go into the how it happened (my previous thread explains most of it), but now that my wife and I are going through the divorce I'm feeling angry about the whole thing. Angry at myself for not being able to stop it, and angry at her for justifying starting a relationship with someone else because she wasn't getting what she wanted from me emotionally. She keeps telling me I'm a good provider and have always been on the same page with the finances, yet this is not enough of a reason to stay married. My record of in the entire 28 years we were together (4 dating and 24 married) I NEVER CHEATED, HIT OR CURSED AT HER. So what?? That didn't mean anything in the end either. My depression doesn't even fly as an excuse. She just felt I would not change as a person and always be emotionally unavailable to her when she needs me the most. Sure I went and held up every time I was there for her emotionally, but in the end the times I wasn't there hold the most weight for her. So why the anger?? If anyone out there can shed a little light it would be much appreciated. Oh yes the fact that she says she will always love me pisses me off too!!
Why the anger? Because you are experiencing a normal, human reaction to a loss. The feelings that are associated with a divorce are very similar (if not the same) as the stages of grief. You are essentially grieving the death of the marriage and the loss of what might have been.
Be angry (don't hurt yourself or others though) but be angry, experience the emotion and let it out so you can move on. If it helps, here are the stages of grief:
Pain and Fear- When you feel really hurt, when you are crying, etc
Anger- You got this one and feel it now
Bargaining- The maybe we can fix this, stop it, etc stage.
Guilt- The maybe if I did something differently, stage
Depression- Please look out for this one. You said you have a history of depression and this could be a lot worse for you. Let your doctor know, now, what you are going though before you reach this stage.
Acceptance
I am sorry you are going though all this. I felt the same when my ex-husband left. It's not easy. If you can, look for a good support divorce group. Men in particular, I think need this because society teaches them to hold in and not show emotion--but that's not what will help you. Despite the rough time, I wish you the best.
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