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A bunch of my friends have posted this on FB and I've read it a few times. It just doesn't ring true for me. It's not that I'm not a giver - it's just that I didn't get married for my husband - we got married because we wanted to get married. I guess I just felt like this guy got cold feet and his dad tried to talk him into taking the plunge. My husband didn't get cold feet. He didn't need anyone to convince him to marry me. And I think there should be a balance between giving to your spouse and giving to yourself. But I think that the big thing that this boils down to for me is that I don't have to consciously think about giving to my husband or trying to make him happy. Nobody had to spell that out to me. I LOVE him so I WANT to make him happy everyday. And yet - I still do things for myself to make myself happy - as does he.
I know that I'm very lucky but my marriage really isn't that hard. We don't really have to work at it that much. It's just two people that love each other that want to spend the rest of our lives together.
I'm betting you and your husband are just naturally doing what others have to work harder to learn to do, which is why the article doesn't speak to you.
There is nothing "co-dependent" about making the needs of your partner a priority.
But there is everything codependent about this sentence in the piece, which is where the whole thing goes south:
"You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."
No one else is responsible for my happiness, and I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Likewise, I will not expect anyone else to make me happy, and I dang sure will not be held accountable for someone else's happiness, or lack thereof.
Happiness comes from within. The minute you start living your life to make someone else happy, you become codependent.
Also, I notice how you said "a" priority. Sure. But not the priority, or top priority. It's not always going to be at the top, and it shouldn't be. There is no sense in sacrificing yourself just to give to someone else and try to make someone else happy. In fact, that's a great path to misery.
I think the concept in the article has merit, but that the article paints it as some sort of extreme.
Being "giving" is an attitude. It doesn't mean you always have to give. Honestly, if you gave in and compromised everything important to you, then the marriage won't work either.
Presumably, a couple gets married because they enjoy each other's company, has compatability, and are already on the same page with their wants and desires and how they expect them to be met. I know not everyone does their due dilligence ahead of time, but this is sort of the idea. As such, there should not be tons of "surprises" after marriage.
That said, when situations arise where there is a difference, there needs to be a way to work them out without lingering resentments because one of the people did not get their way. Sometimes these are "little" things, sometimes "big" things.
Either way, approaching it with a giving spirit helps avoid harboring a resentment.
When both approach issues this way, usually it resolution is far easier and satisfying for both.
Being giving in a marriage should never feel like you are giving away your own wants, needs, or desires.
Great post! For me, the whole article boils down to thinking of your spouse, not just yourself. (And the bolded line as well.)
Being single and thinking only of yourself does not carry over well when in a relationship.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
But there is everything codependent about this sentence in the piece, which is where the whole thing goes south:
"You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."
No one else is responsible for my happiness, and I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Likewise, I will not expect anyone else to make me happy, and I dang sure will not be held accountable for someone else's happiness, or lack thereof.
Happiness comes from within. The minute you start living your life to make someone else happy, you become codependent.
Also, I notice how you said "a" priority. Sure. But not the priority, or top priority. It's not always going to be at the top, and it shouldn't be. There is no sense in sacrificing yourself just to give to someone else and try to make someone else happy. In fact, that's a great path to misery.
I'm betting you and your husband are just naturally doing what others have to work harder to learn to do, which is why the article doesn't speak to you.
Maybe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
But there is everything codependent about this sentence in the piece, which is where the whole thing goes south:
"You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."
I feel differently about that sentence - but it didn't ring true for me either because I don't want to marry someone that is marrying me only to make ME happy. My husband married me because it made HIM happy to marry me. I was engaged to someone who I felt was going to go through with the wedding for me - not that it was that important to him. It was a terrible feeling. And this guy - even AFTER he got married - still struggled with things. He hasn't been married for that long yet - I wonder how their marriage is going to fair in 5 years or 10 years.
Love ya Lilac, but got to completely disagree here.
There is nothing "co-dependent" about making the needs of your partner a priority.
Perhaps we should revisit the definition of the word:
From Merriam Websters:
codependency - a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of/or control by another
That definition just does not fit what two people in a healthy marriage are doing
I totally agree, and let me tell you, you should never ever have to compromise your identity.
But there is everything codependent about this sentence in the piece, which is where the whole thing goes south:
"You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."
No one else is responsible for my happiness, and I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Likewise, I will not expect anyone else to make me happy, and I dang sure will not be held accountable for someone else's happiness, or lack thereof.
For me, I guess I did not get caught up in the words. Or maybe I adopted my own sentiment and placed it on the author. For me it is about recognizing that seeking my happiness is easy. I know, instinctively, what I want. How my actions impact my needs. It has often struck me as remarkable how difficult it is to really understand my actions impact on HIS wants and needs.
Quote:
Happiness comes from within. The minute you start living your life to make someone else happy, you become codependent.
Happiness does come from within, from mental health and stability, healthy lifestyles... But it is amazing how quickly someone else can impact ones UNhappiness, especially after limit setting becomes more and more difficult. Simple gestures that I care about HIM can have a profound affect.
Life is not about decide which among two dangerous poles to live on. It is about striking the right balance. I am sure we all know people who have devoted themselves to their spouse to their own detriment. But I have also know many, even more, who have pursued marriage as an extension of self interest, what is in it for me. They wind up defending their physical and emotional turf in a death grip. You see it on this board all the time.
For me, the right thing is the balanced recognition that caring for his needs is always going to be more challenging than caring for my own. Recognizing that it then requires that much more effort.
But there is everything codependent about this sentence in the piece, which is where the whole thing goes south:
"You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."
No one else is responsible for my happiness, and I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Likewise, I will not expect anyone else to make me happy, and I dang sure will not be held accountable for someone else's happiness, or lack thereof.
Happiness comes from within. The minute you start living your life to make someone else happy, you become codependent.
Also, I notice how you said "a" priority. Sure. But not the priority, or top priority. It's not always going to be at the top, and it shouldn't be. There is no sense in sacrificing yourself just to give to someone else and try to make someone else happy. In fact, that's a great path to misery.
I'm just not reading/interpreting that sentence the way you are.
Basically the author is encouraging partners to think less of themselves and a "me, me, me" attitude and more about their partners needs instead.
I reading it like the famous John F. Kennedy quote - "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what YOU can do for your country"
I feel differently about that sentence - but it didn't ring true for me either because I don't want to marry someone that is marrying me only to make ME happy. My husband married me because it made HIM happy to marry me.
Oh, how selfish of him.
Seriously, though, I don't believe there is really such a thing as altruism. I'm the first one to talk about the joy of giving, but when it's done right--meaning in balance and not to the extent that it harms the giver--the giver gets something out of it, too.
That article sounded entirely out of balance to me.
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For me, the whole article boils down to thinking of your spouse, not just yourself. (And the bolded line as well.)
