After a LONG relationship: Go solo or get back in the game?

[Myghost]

Originally Posted by Frihed89

I guess I am in the minority, so let me explain.

I have always been hit hard, emotionally, by breakups and tended to go into dating seclusion, mainly to feel sorry for myself. But eventually, I found a formula that worked for me: serial one-night stands to get my self-confidence back followed by a period of restraint and reflection and then....I fall in love with the first woman I meet!

Maybe not the best strategy for anyone, but it worked the last time, 16-17 years ago.

Strangely, this is not too far from what I would think. It might be a better strategy than you assume, it covers a lot of needs.

[Stagemomma]

Originally Posted by Myghost

My story, I was married for nearly 20 years, and am in mid-40's now. Since being separated, and now divorced, it seems I've dated almost constantly. I've had some exclusive relationships, some pretty serious, and some periods of just dating. I have found that if things get too serious, I get spooked and tend to end the relationship.

So on the other hand, I KNOW that I need to get to know my new self. My "not married" (but still a dad) self. Can that be done while dating? While in a relationship? Only while single? Celebate? Etc...

I may not agree with everyone's answers, I'm sure I won't, but your input is appreciated. What is best for you, and why? (If it's based on personal experience, and if you are willing, please share.)

I heard a lot of advice about taking time off to 'know yourself' but I think that can't be applied unilaterally.

We were slow to dismantle our marriage, so by the time my husband moved out we hadn't been intimate in maybe a year and had been pretty estranged for a lot longer. I was sick and tired of 'getting to know my self'. In fact, part of the problem with the marriage was that I was growing and becoming more self-aware and husband did not want that to happen. His behavior isolated me from friends and family and I needed to kick start my social life.

It wasn't like I jumped into a serious relationship, I just dated casually and learned about the process. I knew enough not to have some sort of rebound infatuation and to this day I don't allow myself to become the subject of rebound infatuation.

Each of us does what we have to do to adjust and grow and learn from past mistakes.

To the OP, if you are finding yourself bailing when things get to serious, you need to be very upfront with the women you date about what you are comfortable with (and upfront with yourself)

It's pretty darn hard to find a man after 40 capable of a long term relationship, let alone one who really wants one. They all seem pretty damaged and skittish to me. Last week I got burned by a guy who was a very engaging first date...sent me emails proclaiming a true connection, then told me he was not ready for a relationship, then told me I was too unavailable, then told me I was too clingy. Good thing this is not my first rodeo!

Nothing wrong with short term counseling to see if your commitment phobia is based on irrational fear or common sense.

[ohio_peasant]

Ending a long marriage, especially a long and happy marriage, is utterly devastating. It takes years of developing a relationship to attain the mindset of a couple, the shared interests of a couple... it stands to reason that it likewise would take years to unravel this bond and to recapture one's self-perception as an individual. Bitter and fractious divorces almost make this easier! Why? Because there is a finality to the divorce and a sense that one is doing the right thing by ending the marriage. Recovering from a friendly divorce/dissolution, there is a protracted period of introspection and regret - a period during which a person can not be fully emotionally available for a new partner. This is an injustice towards the new partner, which is one reason for the advice to take hiatus from dating.

But there is also an opposing feeling: losing one's beloved partner engenders a craving to replace that partner, as soon as possible, as completely as possible. One becomes desperate to date, not for casual sex but for a new emotional connection. If one's house burns down, does one live in hotels for a few months? No, house-hunting begins the very next day. Maybe something appealing just popped on the market? It might be priced excessively, or be located in a bad neighborhood. But the floor-plan looks to be familiar, and if squinting one can visualize how the few bits of possessions salvaged from the house-fire could be used to redecorate the new place.

There is no ideal solution (well, other than not having ended one's former marriage in the first place... but that house has burned down!). Unraveling the emotional bond can take many years, far longer than the financial entanglements of divorce. Does that mean that divorced people should not date, until they have recovered the person who they were prior to marriage? No, for otherwise they would never be deemed to be capable of devoting themselves to a new partner. Perhaps there is an ideal solution: just be honest with the prospective new partner. If she grows uncomfortable or fails to understand, politely let her go. If she does understand, that's all the reason to accelerate one's recovery and to devote yourself to her.