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I still want to know more about the conversations and decisions that led up to you choosing to make the move...did the guy specifically say that he wanted marriage and family? Did he throw out a timeline? Is he now reneging on those things? Do YOU want those things? With him?
I know from personal experience that it's very, very difficult to be the person who uprooted your life when you're of the understanding that you both want the same things, have discussed them at length, made plans, and then get the rug pulled out from under you after the fact when the other person announces that "Yeah, turns out, that's not what I wanted, after all. Oops. My bad." If that's the case in your situation, be glad it's happening now rather than when you've got years sunk into things and years of having every reason to believe things were cool. Trust me.
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 12-03-2013 at 10:33 AM..
Since the bf convinced you to leave everything, tell him HE can pay for it untill you either get a job, or have a child.
Ehhhhh, don't totally agree...about the "convinced you to leave everything" part, anyway. People make their own decisions, the move was the OP's choice. That said, choices are made based on information you're given at the time, and a bait and switch move, or outright lies on the part of the one not moving are not even remotely cool, if that was, in fact, the case.
I would want to know more about the "the guy is different than I thought" stuff. The OP did not know this guy well before moving, clearly...it's possible that the image he presented prior to her living with him was less than truthful. It happens. It also happens that when dating, people put their best foot forward, and when you live with somebody, you are in more of a position to see the good, bad and the ugly because it can't be as easily concealed...this is normal, to a point, and part of deepening a relationship...you see the not so great as well as the great. So I'm wondering if this is the situation, or if the guy really is completely different than he initially claimed to be, and is some kind of jerk or creep, building things under false pretenses. It's hard to tell from the OP what is actually going on.
Ehhhhh, don't totally agree...about the "convinced you to leave everything" part, anyway. People make their own decisions, the move was the OP's choice. That said, choices are made based on information you're given at the time, and a bait and switch move, or outright lies on the part of the one not moving are not even remotely cool, if that was, in fact, the case.
I would want to know more about the "the guy is different than I thought" stuff. The OP did not know this guy well before moving, clearly...it's possible that the image he presented prior to her living with him was less than truthful. It happens. It also happens that when dating, people put their best foot forward, and when you live with somebody, you are in more of a position to see the good, bad and the ugly because it can't be as easily concealed...this is normal, to a point, and part of deepening a relationship...you see the not so great as well as the great. So I'm wondering if this is the situation, or if the guy really is completely different than he initially claimed to be, and is some kind of jerk or creep, building things under false pretenses. It's hard to tell from the OP what is actually going on.
Oh yea, I agree. I just didnt type that.
The guy probably bs'ed some things, and now the OP is panicking cause things disnt go as planned, and possibly with good reason.
But the OP needs to find a way with no money, no local family, and no resources to improve her situation. This guy is her only lifeline right now (which was a mistake in the first place).
Hopefully the OP has money in an account somewhere, but that can burn quick while unemployed if she isnt careful.
Thats why i recommend the guy start ponying up. And if things dont work, she can still move out and support herself a bit or at least go home.
They knew the situation, her being unemployed and moving out. If the guy was taking this serious, he should have prepared to help her out financially untill she became employed or pregnant. And even then, guess what? Now he is responsible anyway....
I would have to agree that making a large scale move without a safety net or just-in-case resources wasn't a smart move, whether or not there was a guy involved...I did the impetuous move thing, too, but did plan for how I'd take care of myself. Perhaps naive on the OP's part, but if she was savvy and financially successful prior to the move, she's still that person, and it's pretty likely that she'll be able to be resourceful enough to get out of a bad situation if a bad situation is what she's in.
OP, you don't mention which suburbs of which city you're in...If you are truly in a bad situation you need to get out of, stat, you likely have marketable skills, given your previous track record of employment success...your options may be limited in the suburb you are in, but what about neighboring 'burbs? In the city itself? Secure an income, which will enable you to move out, and put you on your feet enough to worry about what's next. If you do need to get out, you need to make a plan.
Seriously, everyone's feedback is really amazing and thank you!
You're very right TabulaRasa and AverageGuy2006, I jumped the gun way too quickly and realize that everyday, but it's done and now I either have to some how fix the relationship or figure something else out. The conversations mainly consisted of this...I want to make you my wife as soon as possible, I'll do anything to make you feel comfortable here, I want take care of you financially (went over our finances together and figured we could do it) and we can start a family soon after...not in those exact words of course, but it's ALL he talked about....btw, he took me ring shopping the last visit to IL before I moved here so you can kind of see what I'm talking about. Fortunately, before I moved I did actually save up quite a bit of money, so yes, I have been still somewhat smart after all these dumb actions on my part! LOL Honestly, it was all a dream come true to me and my drive 2200 miles to get here I was so optimistic and motivated and now I don't even know the person I have become. I would love to relocate to another country, but that takes time and money. I would love to relocate and keep going if that is my destiny, but it's quite intimidating and my money will run thin quick.
When you're literally all alone in a place that is so unfamiliar, you need any support/advice you can get and these responses from you all have been wonderful, so I thank you again! I would love to pick up the phone and tell everyone I know back home what I am going through, but I am too prideful and if for some reason I am able to fix this relationship I wouldn't want anyone to resent him.
Wait, "fix this relationship"?
No, this is not your job. You said he is not the person you thought he was, now you are expecting yourself to single handedly fix the relationship?
I think you need to cut your losses, use this as a huge lesson (lord knows we all make mistakes) and find a job back in California if that is where you want to be.
Don't waste anymore time there. You took a shot, it may not have worked out. It happens.
Seriously, everyone's feedback is really amazing and thank you!
You're very right TabulaRasa and AverageGuy2006, I jumped the gun way too quickly and realize that everyday, but it's done and now I either have to some how fix the relationship or figure something else out. The conversations mainly consisted of this...I want to make you my wife as soon as possible, I'll do anything to make you feel comfortable here, I want take care of you financially (went over our finances together and figured we could do it) and we can start a family soon after...not in those exact words of course, but it's ALL he talked about....btw, he took me ring shopping the last visit to IL before I moved here so you can kind of see what I'm talking about. Fortunately, before I moved I did actually save up quite a bit of money, so yes, I have been still somewhat smart after all these dumb actions on my part! LOL Honestly, it was all a dream come true to me and my drive 2200 miles to get here I was so optimistic and motivated and now I don't even know the person I have become. I would love to relocate to another country, but that takes time and money. I would love to relocate and keep going if that is my destiny, but it's quite intimidating and my money will run thin quick.
When you're literally all alone in a place that is so unfamiliar, you need any support/advice you can get and these responses from you all have been wonderful, so I thank you again! I would love to pick up the phone and tell everyone I know back home what I am going through, but I am too prideful and if for some reason I am able to fix this relationship I wouldn't want anyone to resent him.
What specifically needs fixing? It's hard to say what there is that would be fixable, and you couldn't do it alone, anyway. You allude that the reality is not what you were led to believe, but haven't directly said why this is, except to allude to him being on a fast track for marriage, which has apparently not played out that way. Has there been any explanation as to why this is?
Were the things he told you lies in order to get you there, for whatever reason? Or are they things he does want, just not on the time frame you were thinking along? Has his treatment toward you changed? Is there, god forbid, abuse? I can't tell from what you have posted if he's now cooled on the idea of a future with you, period (in which case, you should get out, whether or not that means back to California), if it's just not all you thought it would be, if he fabricated a persona entirely to sway your decision to come, if there have been deliberate deceptions, etc. There's some key information missing.
If you need to get out, and you're sticking around out of pride and so other people in your life don't wag the finger and do an "I told you so," or similar, quit worrying about what people think and get out. You'll look more foolish in the long run if you willingly stay in a bad situation to "save face." There is NOTHING to be gained by staying in a bad situation, if you have the resources to exit it.
It's good that you are not without resources...I recommend getting a job. Then you will have the flexibility to make the next move, whatever that may be.
What does he say now? Do you think those were just nice promises to entice you to make the move? Do you think there was something lacking in your life in CA that led you to get swept away by this guy and the promise of a new life?
I can't tell by your posts if you have regrets about him as a person or if you're just having trouble adjusting to such a huge life change. Living with someone is a big adjustment even if you've known each other a long time and even if you've spent nights together and gone on trips. You guys haven't even done that so you really jumped in not knowing what to expect. I had a friend who met a guy across the country and immediately started making life plans with him. I can understand how you can make a connection with someone over the phone, but when you live together, crap gets real. How can you really know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone when you haven't seen them get angry or know that they leave their underwear on the floor or found out about the million other little quirks they have?
In my opinion, you need to really get to know this person before you truly commit the rest of your life to him. What is the rush to get engaged and married and have kids? Spend time together, go on dates, get to REALLY know him and figure out if this is going to work. Maybe now that things are real he just wants to get to know you a little better too before proposing. Get a job there even if it's just part time or not in your field. Try to make your own friends and explore your new city. Don't lean on him for all of your social needs. In my opinion, that's all you can do. Unless he's thrown down some huge deal breaker like you found out he's actually a crack dealer or something, then I would just give it time and see where it goes. Best of luck!
Count your blessings that you're not pregnant. And as for wanting to be a stay-at-home mom... you're 28 and it's perfectly normal to think that that's a good idea. I can assure you with 100% certainty that choosing to be a stay-at-home mom in 2013 (and beyond) is a horrible, horrible, horrible idea for any woman who calls or has ever called herself "independent."
Why would you leave your mental, physical and entire FINANCIAL well-being in the hands of another person? That is absolutely insane, to me. If the two of you have a baby and either of you decides that the marriage is not working, who do you think will end up as a single parent, you or him? Most likely it will be you.
Why bring child support (or lack thereof), court orders, visitation rights, divorce lawyers, babysitter expenses, childcare expenses, baby-daddy drama (most men aren't interested in women with baby-daddy drama), etc. into your life. I have plenty of young women in my family – within your age group – going through this bull crap right now.
I volunteer, sometimes reluctantly, my time (never my money) to help them with childcare, homework, writing resumes, job applications, medical and dental appointments, free tutoring, budgeting advice (ditch cable), dieting advice (stop drinking sodas and eat more vegetables), lifestyle advice (read more, watch TV less, learn a skill, focus on finding your bliss instead of finding a man, etc.), etc.
Do you have someone in IL or CA who'll volunteer their time and/or money to help you if you become a single parent? As others have already recommended, go back home, sleep on someone's sofa or air mattress and start working on Phase II of your life. Put pen to paper and start outlining what needs to happen next. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, so start steppin' .
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