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Yikes. I don't think I have EVER known a guy like that. Couldn't you see him for what he was?
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Originally Posted by zentropa
Exactly. Why would I date a guy like that? It seems counterintuitive.
I don't think all of these traits show up at once. If someone leads with flattery, and building the physical and emotional intimacy first (and quickly) it is easy to ignore the bad, because the "good" was so good. A part of you thinks that things will return to the good you remembered, and you start to overlook the bad. Until you reach the breaking point.
I dated someone for a few weeks that definitely trended towards more than a few of the things on the list. I ended it because I was suspicious, but not for any particular big incident. Something just didn't add up for me, and there were small red flags. I happened to see this article as well and thought...hmmmm that guy really did seem to meet a lot of these.
I am perhaps a little more cautious, as I have many female relatives who were in abusive relationships. Particularly on my mom's side. And when I dated the potential psychopath, it was in a period where I was trying to be a bit more open about relationships and the types of people I dated.
It ended up being a learning experience. It wasn't serious, but I decided to trust my instincts and block him out.
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Originally Posted by nearnorth
The following comment, posted by someone in the comments section below the article, is spot-on:
Signs this article is "a bunch of stuff."
1. The woman who wrote it does not have any credentials in psychiatry or psychology.
2. It's attempting to reduce mental illness into a sensationalized list of dating advise, without any technical descriptions of the behavior in such a way that some people could apply it to almost anyone.
3. Psychopathy is not an official diagnosis. The closest thing is narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder. Both involve a lack of empathy, superficial charm, and being manipulative. Narcissistic PD specifically is associated with a ridiculously high sense of self worth, entitlement, and refusal to accept responsibility, whereas antisocial PD is associated with reckless and criminal behavior. This article just blurs them all together.
...all-in-all, I implore you people not to take this article seriously, and HP is being irresponsibly by publishing it knowing that many people will take it seriously.
It doesn't matter which word is used to describe someone who does the things on the list. We can all agree that bad news is a fair assessment, whether or not they suffer from something that can be clinically diagnoses. It doesn't matter if that person is labeled as a charmer, narcissist or psychopath, neither path leads to a healthy relationship.
I don't think all of these traits show up at once. If someone leads with flattery, and building the physical and emotional intimacy first (and quickly) it is easy to ignore the bad, because the "good" was so good. A part of you thinks that things will return to the good you remembered, and you start to overlook the bad. Until you reach the breaking point.
I dated someone for a few weeks that definitely trended towards more than a few of the things on the list. I ended it because I was suspicious, but not for any particular big incident. Something just didn't add up for me, and there were small red flags. I happened to see this article as well and thought...hmmmm that guy really did seem to meet a lot of these.
I am perhaps a little more cautious, as I have many female relatives who were in abusive relationships. Particularly on my mom's side. And when I dated the potential psychopath, it was in a period where I was trying to be a bit more open about relationships and the types of people I dated.
It ended up being a learning experience. It wasn't serious, but I decided to trust my instincts and block him out.
It doesn't matter which word is used to describe someone who does the things on the list. We can all agree that bad news is a fair assessment, whether or not they suffer from something that can be clinically diagnoses. It doesn't matter if that person is labeled as a charmer, narcissist or psychopath, neither path leads to a healthy relationship.
See, I don't know if I agree with that. I"m not taking this super serious, however it is food for thought. I hit more than 5 on this list. I had a great 10 year relationship!!!! I suspect if you randomly went to the people who have known me, employees, employers, family, customers....I suspect they would say no way I could be a psychopath. However, I do feel like one sometimes.
Sobering.....7 & 8 are major for my situation.
The silent treatment, and disappearing.....both on the list- are huge red flags for me.
Thanks for the link- good timing
Or he might just have another woman, or be married.
It doesn't matter which word is used to describe someone who does the things on the list.
Yes it does. Words have meanings. Mental health terms often have very specific and nuanced meanings. There is a difference between a psychopath and a bad boyfriend with a possible personality disorder. More importantly, there's a difference between a random blogger and a Ph.D. or M.D.
See, I don't know if I agree with that. I"m not taking this super serious, however it is food for thought. I hit more than 5 on this list. I had a great 10 year relationship!!!! I suspect if you randomly went to the people who have known me, employees, employers, family, customers....I suspect they would say no way I could be a psychopath. However, I do feel like one sometimes.
We all likely have a few tendencies on the list too. But you also have to add up the total picture in your dealing with someone as well. Some of the things on this list are just the mark of someone who tends towards being self-centered. That in itself isn't a problem per se, but ti is when people are manipulative.
In these 10 examples, there was the line crossed into manipulative in my book. I mean just things like flattery and great sex are by no means evidence that someone is potentially a "problem" relationship. And neither is disappearing or mirroring. There are of course people that are magnets for drama. These are all things we can naturally do. But when some of the mirroring, and the "relationship" start to feel very surface level, it is likely enough for a red flag. Particularly if there are more flags down the line.
I am probably more weary of manipulative partners....because half of my mom's siblings were in relationships with people with the traits on the list. And some during my lifetime, and some before I was born that had lifetime repercussions.
Yes it does. Words have meanings. Mental health terms often have very specific and nuanced meanings. There is a difference between a psychopath and a bad boyfriend with a possible personality disorder. More importantly, there's a difference between a random blogger and a Ph.D. or M.D.
I guess, in my head, I take things posted on HuffPo with a grain of salt...in some ways. They are aiming for page views and shares. They are a bit sensationalist. But there are some good points in the post....even if using a loaded word.
Yes it does. Words have meanings. Mental health terms often have very specific and nuanced meanings. There is a difference between a psychopath and a bad boyfriend with a possible personality disorder. More importantly, there's a difference between a random blogger and a Ph.D. or M.D.
Not sure what your deal is. Maybe you've been called a psychopath, maybe you are a lot if things on that list. I have no idea. Do I think this man probably was? Absolutely. He was a lot more than just a bad bf.
He was also very intelligent with a PhD in Psychology and speaking 7 languages. I was there and you were not. I know the difference between bad bf and good bf. I have also learned when someone has a serious problem.
I am not just some random blogger here. I am a person who cares about other people and their well- being. Whether it be listed as psychopath or something else, it is not a good thing. Especially not for someone in a vulnerable state.
Know Huff Post for what it is.... what I have to wonder is why you don't want people to be aware of such red flags, no matter what they are from.
Not sure what your deal is. Maybe you've been called a psychopath, maybe you are a lot if things on that list. I have no idea. Do I think this man probably was? Absolutely. He was a lot more than just a bad bf.
He was also very intelligent with a PhD in Psychology and speaking 7 languages. I was there and you were not. I know the difference between bad bf and good bf. I have also learned when someone has a serious problem.
I am not just some random blogger here. I am a person who cares about other people and their well- being. Whether it be listed as psychopath or something else, it is not a good thing. Especially not for someone in a vulnerable state.
Know Huff Post for what it is.... what I have to wonder is why you don't want people to be aware of such red flags, no matter what they are from.
Yeah, despite the possibly inflammatory language, the post basically outlines traits of a person no one should be dating - but nonetheless those traits are often glossed over by people who find themselves in relationships with those individuals.
So someone gets called a psychopath by their ex-girlfriend, but really they're a narcissist? This is hardly the height of irresponsibility in journalism. Psychologists will not be making evaluations based on this article, but maybe some young woman might start to think about a bad relationship in a different light. It's frickin' HuffPost, for god's sake. It's like the People magazine of the interwebs.
Yikes. I don't think I have EVER known a guy like that. Couldn't you see him for what he was?
Funny thing, I've been exposed to several sociopaths in my life but they are all different--all have it in their own way and there are several subtypes. Gosh, my sis is one and fits all the criteria except ax murdering people. I suspect it's b/c she's too dam lazy. And even with all that, I got hooked in by one and fairly recently. They are very hard to spot b/c they look like the love you've been waiting for all your life and that can be very intoxicating.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari
At any rate, the first time we met he was very charming and did nothing but flatter me. It stayed that way for a while, and then we did things I had never done with my ex husband, went on trips and adventures, etc. This man was better than the invention of sliced bread.
He won me over very quickly but certain little things stood out as not making sense but I just pushed them aside. That happened all throughout our relationship, but the little things turned into much bigger things.
Looking back now, in hindsight, I know that these things stood out as not making sense because they didn't make sense.
The thing is, people who have been won over by that type of person just really don't see it. My sister saw it the first time she met him.
I know what you mean there--mine was so much fun--we went to music festivals for our first three dates and then we'd drive all over the countryside bouncing around in his truck and he had this absolutely gorgeous farm with a really cool house. And then like you, certain things just didn't make sense and I think that's actually the biggest tip-off that you're dealing with one is the odd little happenings and like you, I pushed them aside and made a mental note to keep an eye on that. We never did make it to 10 things--I clocked only five, but that's because we didn't get that far. A big part of me held back and he was still in the winning me over phase when he did the "crack in the mask" and said something so outrageous about my physical appearance that I knew it had all been a facade and broke up with him. This was 4 days before we were supposed to fly to Scotland together and we had tickets already, so we went, but I told him he'd be getting his own room and then we ended up dumping him off in Glasgow b/c he only brought a Discover Card, which basically means he was expecting me to finance his entire trip! And then for a couple of months he kept showing up to my dances that I'm into but he never really was into dancing--I couldn't figure out if he was there to pick up women or ruin it for me, but I suspect the latter. I did not stop going, but he eventually did and had to send me an email to let me know that he was in a serious relationship. Like I cared at that point--I was glad to be rid of him. And for awhile I'd get these crazy emails and one would be a love poem, the next would be letting me know he was going to start dating again, and then the next would be cussing me out. It was bizarre.
One thing I will say though too, is that I did quite a lot of internet searching after my experience and there is a whole group of personality disorders called Cluster B and many times people with any one of these PDs will have components of others in the group. Mine seemed to have some of them all which are Anti-social ASPD (psycho/sociopath), Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissist. Keep in mind that the problem with armchair dx'ing is that you don't really know what's going on in their head. If mine really was in love with me as he said, then he was probably more borderline, but if he was just playing me along and wanted to use me then he was more ASPD--I saw alternate explanations of behavior for both, but the fact that he showed up on a trip with no money spoke volumes.
It's not uncommon for others, esp perceptive ones, to see what's going with folks with ASPD and not the victim b/c they don't waste energy on those they're not trying to impress. Mine had the appearance of being just the sweetest man--he seemed delightfully eccentric at first and my friends called him The Professor b/c that's what he seemed to be and he was a psychologist!
Anyway, if I had to venture to say what to watch out for, it's the odd little things that make no sense--start being very watchful at that point and when you see or hear a crack in the mask, you should end it at that point b/c normal people don't say things like that and it won't get better. We're talking beyond the normal foot in the mouth type stuff and normal people feel really bad if they hurt your feelings but a sociopath will turn it back on you and try to make it sound like you're just ridiculously oversensitive. I suspect the reason for the crack in the facade is b/c they have no empathy so they have no way to gauge what will hurt someone's feelings.
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Why would I date a guy like that? It seems counterintuitive.
