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My friend is 24 and up until very recently she had never kissed a guy, had sex or had a boyfriend. She met a guy on POF in August and his profile always said that he was 'looking to date but nothing serious' and she said she was cool with this. On the second date, he also told her he was going travelling for 3 months in the new year. He has been pretty casual about keeping in contact with her - sometimes he doesn't reply to her texts for days and he regularly cancels plans they've made. He also has refused to add her on Facebook because in his words 'that wouldn't happen unless we were serious'.
She really, really likes him and recently lost her virginity to him after which he became really rubbish at meeting up and cancelled on her 4 times in a row. However, she believes that he's genuinely been busy at work/with his house etc and has told him that she really wants to try and make it work when he goes travelling. He has tried to let her down gently by telling her he didn't think their relationship is strong enough but she didn't get the hint, so now he has told her that he is taking a job abroad for a year.
Personally, I don't think he's been completely honest with her, but she is completely infatuated with him and is devastated over him leaving. I tried to tell her the truth so she would realise there's nothing to be sad about, but she started yelling at me, and now she's saying she wants to be f*ck buddies with him when he returns to London, where we live.
I'm not sure what to do and feel really bad for her,but I just don't understand how she can not realise that this was no more than a casual thing. Has anyone else been through this with their friends and what did you do? I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is.
I'm not sure what to do and feel really bad for her,but I just don't understand how she can not realise that this was no more than a casual thing.
It's her first "relationship" or sexual experience, and she's smitten. It just goes to show what a powerful effect on the emotions and psyche sex can have. She's kinda like the little duckies that imprint and bond to whatever they see first after they're born. Whether that's a momma duck, a human, or something else, they'll follow it around until they're grown.
Given her reaction to your attempt to bring her down to reality, I don't think there's much you can do, except be there for her when the inevitable crash occurs. Or the STD outbreak, whichever comes first.
He's not being completely honest with her in the sense that he's taking the easy way out, but as far as his intentions for their, uh, relationship go...he is being perfectly honest. She is the one who got on Plenty of Fish and decided to pursue a man who stated he only wants something casual. Yes, she is inexperienced, but she should have at least guessed that this would happen.
I wonder if she would be more able to believe it if she heard it from a guy friend?
It might help also to tell her that this dude is not the only source of sex in the world, and his is not the best sex, either. I know she knows that intellectually, but I suspect she has not fully though it through.
Sometimes, people have to learn for themselves about relationships. I doubt this will be the first or last time this happens to your friend.
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