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Dating this year has been a lot of revelation for me and I want to talk about one scenario in particular that drove me crazy, but I couldn't exactly control. This is also something that is talked about a bit on here. It seems that the question is always asked of what are you doing to change certain things of yourself to make yourself more desirable to date. This is something I did the last year to work through some issues I carried into my last relationship. While online I tended to avoid all the profiles that mentioned anything about "If you're a cheater, liar, or player, pass me by." I just felt those people were likely looking for perfection and were going to get stuck in their own vortex of stupidity.
For the several women that I messaged that seemed very normal in their profile, they still carried around this chip on their shoulder. That chip seemed to be that no matter what, they consistently felt they weren't good enough. It was like they wanted to keep wallowing in the fact that their ex's left them. They would say that they wouldn't ever want these ex's back, but like they are ashamed that they ended up with these people. What drove me bonkers about this is that these people had profiles up, but still weren't really working past anything emotionally. These all seemed like well adjusted women, but they have this OVERWHELMING fear of being hurt again.
Just seemed like they liked the attention and the variety, but I don't know if their intentions were always right. I'm not here to bash women by any means. I just want to know why good women consistently hold on to what they know it's crap, like it's going to turn into gold.
I just finished talking to a woman that I chatted with for several weeks and she apologized for not giving me a chance. She knew I was a good guy, but it scared her, because she felt she didn't deserve me. It's like some women just want to be their own worst enemies! She has always been attracted to bad guys, and she wasn't expecting me to come around, so she didn't want to hurt me when she felt she would try and take advantage of the situation. Is there a reason why these grown @ss women never figure this out? Us guys are told everyday that we have to be smart and weed out bad partners. Why do some women just not want to do this? Why try and change a dick into a nice guy. Past a certain age, he's likely just a dick, accept it.
I understand the heart wants what the heart wants, but I would imagine it would come a time where you seek security and not always wondering why your partner never wants to come home after work. To me that just seems like drama and drama is not good for the mind or soul.
The women who want bad boys are messed up. They want to "fix" them. It doesn't happen that way. My little cousin wants to do this. I told her no they won't change.
Now I do feel for the women that were hurt badly by their ex. I was hurt extremely badly and have trust issues. I know everyman isn't like this but it's in the back of my mind constantly.
I have a chip on my shoulder, BUT I don't have a profile up and am not actively looking. I doubt anyone would want me the way I am. I have a lot of sorting out to do.
I was never looking for a Bad Boy. I thought I had good instincts, etc. in regard to people in general and choosing a man specifically. I had a long-term marriage and a long-term relationship with men I thought I could depend on and be a companion with. It didn't work out that way.
The "chip on my shoulder" comes from trying to understand why they thought it was a great idea to treat me the way they did.
The issue about self-confidence that you mentioned is another issue I have, because I loved my SO with all my heart and he chose to share his (and other parts) with his co-worker. It would have been less hurtful if he had just told me that it wasn't working out then started dating, but to lie and talk to her on the phone in front of me really put my sense of self-worth and value in a tailspin.
So, yeah, the fear of being hurt again IS overwhelming when it takes (thus far) over a year to get past the hurt.
I have to admit, I am guilty of this... fear of being hurt again. And it makes me guarded (especially because I remember how much I loved and trusted the man who ended up lying and cheating on me). I sometimes wonder if I trust too easily and I try to slow myself down a bit in relationships. But it doesn't stop me though.
I've also encountered men guilty of it too. The man I am dating now is really bad with it (brings up his ex wife and past women a lot... complains they always leave him, every woman will eventually "always" leave him he says. I think it prevents him from wanting to get too close to me). It can be a bit of a drag, but I figure it's something he just has to work though... and maybe he will never get over the scars. But he's a good man deep down under that bitterness and I think he's worth a try/worth waiting for. So I am patient. Besides, the going slowly thing is probably best for me too considering my own fear.
With the men I've seen (not only the man I am dating, but even here on these forums), it's more of a cynical reaction than a fear--but the reason for it and the results are the same. I really don't know how to address it other than it just takes time for wounds to heal and no matter how healed, there are always scars (especially if you've been wounded a lot of deeply).
As for the bad boy thing. I've never been interested in the type. I think the draw is like another poster said, a desire for women who are already "messed up" to "fix" things. But one interesting thing I read someplace... although I don't agree with it, but it is food for though... a woman said that the reason she prefers bad boys is because she knows they are going to hurt her in the end, break her heart. Then she can easily say, "well, he was bad anyway" and write it off. But if a kind/good guy leaves her and breaks your heart, well, then she wonders, "what's wrong with me" and it hurts much, much deeper. So a bad guy is a bit of a safety net for someone with a fragile ego--it allows them to date, but numbs what they see as the eventual pain.
The "chip on my shoulder" comes from trying to understand why they thought it was a great idea to treat me the way they did.
I understand the chip. But for men and women, you can't expect to figure out why they did, what they did. People, while they often act similar, they are very different.
The best you can do with your bad relationships, is to pick out the clues to some of the things you were not attracted to, in that person, (or people), and learn from that.
The guarded feelings you have to do the best you can to be aware of them, but give the next one s fair shake the best you can. Try not to project your concerns on them. Because then you become the crazy one for them.
The broader issue is the difficulty of coming to terms with the conclusion of one's prior relationships. If the relationship collapsed on account of cheated, after many mutually fulfilling years together, then it's natural to regard all future candidates as potential cheaters. On the other hand, if the relationship was good, but ended due to genuinely "irreconcilable differences", the natural impulse is to regard all relationships as tentative and contingent, and to be wary of forming too close of an attachment with a potential new partner, regardless of that partner's shining qualities.
We've devoted much effort on this Forum to arguments over the financial consequences of divorce, and while these can be severe, the greater consequence is emotional. It changes one's world-view. It's not a simplistic switch from believing that all people are good, to all people are evil. But it's a switch from believing in willpower and affection as being able to overcome circumstances and external pressures, to Prospero's admonishment that "the strongest oath is straw in the fire of the blood".
You can weed out people who are not ready to date by not chatting for "several weeks", If a person doesn't want to meet within a week or 2, I'd be done.
The broader issue is the difficulty of coming to terms with the conclusion of one's prior relationships. If the relationship collapsed on account of cheated, after many mutually fulfilling years together, then it's natural to regard all future candidates as potential cheaters. On the other hand, if the relationship was good, but ended due to genuinely "irreconcilable differences", the natural impulse is to regard all relationships as tentative and contingent, and to be wary of forming too close of an attachment with a potential new partner, regardless of that partner's shining qualities.
We've devoted much effort on this Forum to arguments over the financial consequences of divorce, and while these can be severe, the greater consequence is emotional. It changes one's world-view. It's not a simplistic switch from believing that all people are good, to all people are evil. But it's a switch from believing in willpower and affection as being able to overcome circumstances and external pressures, to Prospero's admonishment that "the strongest oath is straw in the fire of the blood".
Your first paragraph describes me pretty well. But I don't understand why people in that boat would even be out there dating. Lord knows I'm not.
I think there's a bit of misunderstanding going around about the 'women wanting a bad guy' thing. Sometimes, it's not about wanting to 'fix' a guy, it's more about wanting someone exciting and challenging. All too often the 'good guys' are comfortable and boring. Don't get me wrong, this will often bite a lot of ladies in the butt. We want our cake and to eat it too.
You have to look at how women are wired from an evolutionary standpoint. The most confident, strong-willed, manly men were the most in-demand for producing healthy offspring. Someone who will stand up for themselves.
Then again, those women who go after REALLY bad men, like drug addicts, criminals and players have something wrong with them entirely.
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