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I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to live with someone like that. Perhaps a temporary sepration? He needs counseling, maybe meds.
I can say that some do change. I know of one that after a few accidents happened the person is the model mate now.
Having a blended family is very hard. My two kids (22 & 14) live with us. There was a few months when his adult son moved here, my son moved in with my parents a few blocks away. Since my hubby "complains" about things my kids forget to do (turn tv off, help out) when his son moved in without a job for the 1st two months or so, I was pretty resentful that he sat around, mostly doing nothing. Hubby & I were running my dad around every few days, he had cancer. My SS likes to cook, but do you think he'd cook us dinner? No. It was the hardest time of my life, so glad it's over now. How hubby & I stayed married through it is beyond me.
There can be all sorts of reasons why he's the way he is with your kids. I'm not making excuses.. just saying that now that I've been in his shoes, it is not easy. Your kids are older. A few more years and it's just the two of you (unless his son moves in). If he could get his temper under control is there any chance of this working?
There are stressers, you being sick. I haven't worked since 2001 due to a bad back. I know it is hard on my hubby to see me in pain even after all of these years.
Can you narrow it down to something happening? Doesn't sound like it happened over night. You sound like you still love him. What would get this to work?
I definately do still love him... I question if its love or that I'm just so use to being with him; but I do think its love. Things have been escalating for the last year or so, we have discussed it on several occasions and things get better for a few days than back to normal....hell. My eldest son got kicked out of the house because my husband came home early from work I was not home (Alex is in college) and his door was locked. My husband knocked on his door and Alex said "Im busy", hubby said "open up now!". Alex did not and my husband kicked open the door. Alex was having sex with a girl...my husband kicked him out. I was in Chicago so couldnt do anything about it, when I got home Alex refused to come home saying he was too embarassed. He is now at my moms house four blocks away. I have suggested counseling anger management for both of us and he says why should he when I am the crazy one.
As a husband he is excellent; faithful, hardworking and just a good person. As a step father he lacks patience, understanding and warmth. He is very unsociable and that is ok with me if he would be a better step father. My sons to me are the world and I cannot compromise my relationship with them for him or anyone else.
I am still in Naples and I know he is picking up his things right now and it tears me apart. I am hoping the Lord will carry me in these horrible moments. All of your comments help me tremendiously. Thank you.
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pixie Dust
My husband is a Jekyl and Hyde of sorts. In February I was diasgnosed with uterine cancer and had a hysterectomy he stood by my side like a champ. When October rolled around I was having a scheduled surgery (right wrist; torn ligaments and carpal tunnel) when I went to have my pre-ops done my urine cytology came back disasterious. Well fuve days after wrist surgery I had to have emergebcy bladder surgery. They took the cancer out and everything seems fine now. While I was recooperating he cooked, cleaned, helped bathe me...everything. With me he is very supportive, when it comes to my children he is an impatient ass-ho to say the least. What he doesn't realize is he could treat me like a queen but all of that is put to shambles when he miss treats my boys who are becomming men. If I would continue in this situation it would only escalate, I fear a punching match and before it gets to that I need out. I am not working now but have a monthly income of about 2k and as soon as my hand gets better and finish my PT (it will be about two more months) I will get back in the job market. I just have to hold my own for a few months. When I get down to the core of my heart...I do love him but I LOVE my sons SOOO much more.
Well hello Pixie! What can I tell you. I think it's about time. Let him move whereever. He is a grown man and he can, or should be able to take care of himself. You my dear don't need the aggravation.
What will you do alone in the house? Anything you want. You have a big family. There's always someone who will need to stay with you for a few days. Friends that come and stay over and keep you company but really, you think you're going to keep that house? NO. You get rid of it when you can and go get yourself a nice condo on the beach, the Grove and go hang out in Monty's and BREATHE! You'll miss the guy. You're used to him but he's not as smart as he thinks he is. I have a much better word for him.
It will be hard but do you think it will be any harder than when you were single, working, and raising 3 young boys by yourself in cold, wet, snowy, Chicago? You still have a whole world ahead of you and your kids are older and will get their own lives.
Take the time to cry, worry, feel sorry. One day you'll wake up, out of the nightmare, and wonder what the hell you were doing before.
Your kids need to know that the way your husband is, is the WRONG way for a man, a real one, to act. Teach them to be men, not loud, inconsiderate, aggressive, bullies who don't know how to solve a problem without kicking. Problems are not solved using force.
That day with your son and the girl in the house....first maybe your son "disrespected" your home. Personally I think they should have gone to a motel on 8th street or behind a tree but your husband is stupid and your son shouldn't be ashamed to come home. It's so much easier to just sit and talk.
Anyway, I'm still up for Cafe con Leche when you are!
We want to see and believe in the best in people. I suggest getting some counseling, Pix, to help you figure this out. His abusive behavior is unacceptable.
Your son was having sex in his bedroom. This man had no right to push open the door and humiliate him like that. Sorry, but this guy is a real jerk. He seems to have an uncontrollable need to make your boys feels small. It's not your son that needs to go to counseling. It is you, so you can deal with your anger. You're talking about this man like he's a great guy. You should be really angry at him, and I'm not hearing any of that. I'd be throwing his stuff on the lawn and telling him he sure as hell better never touch my son again.
I definately do still love him... I question if its love or that I'm just so use to being with him; but I do think its love. Things have been escalating for the last year or so, we have discussed it on several occasions and things get better for a few days than back to normal....hell. My eldest son got kicked out of the house because my husband came home early from work I was not home (Alex is in college) and his door was locked. My husband knocked on his door and Alex said "Im busy", hubby said "open up now!". Alex did not and my husband kicked open the door. Alex was having sex with a girl...my husband kicked him out. I was in Chicago so couldnt do anything about it, when I got home Alex refused to come home saying he was too embarassed. He is now at my moms house four blocks away. I have suggested counseling anger management for both of us and he says why should he when I am the crazy one.
As a husband he is excellent; faithful, hardworking and just a good person. As a step father he lacks patience, understanding and warmth. He is very unsociable and that is ok with me if he would be a better step father. My sons to me are the world and I cannot compromise my relationship with them for him or anyone else.
I am still in Naples and I know he is picking up his things right now and it tears me apart. I am hoping the Lord will carry me in these horrible moments. All of your comments help me tremendiously. Thank you.
How long have you two been together / married?
Are both of your boys still in school?
Would it matter any if only one of the boys lived with you for now; with the older boy staying at your parents?
It sounds like everything was great; you guys are/ were compatable, then stuff happened that he can't deal with. Depending on how long you've been together, vs how long it's been bad.. I would say whether to just throw it away or not. The way I feel is that you got married.. you took vows. These days it's "so easy" to just throw it all away verses trying to work things out.
I think taking a break is what is needed right now, whether it's for a week or a month. If you can get counseling, I think it could be a good thing if you find someone you like. It's so expensive these days, some insurances don't cover it.
I'm not exactly comfortable sharing some stuff on a public forum, especially if I can't edit it after you've read it. I feel for you.. I've been there. Some times people lose their cool for what ever reason, but if you can get back on track things might be ok. It's getting back on track that can be rough.
You and your kids should not have to put up with an overgrown bully tearing up your house and treating your kids like garbage. Your kids are your FIRST responsibility. This jerk is probably never going to change. Do you want to live with a man who treats your kids like this? You are doing the right thing to leave him. Sure, it's hard and it's sad, but you will get through it. When you start feeling sad or feeling bad for him just think about how he's treated your kids. The man has no respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't treat your kids like that. Any time you feel sad, just remember WHY you left him.
First of all I'm sorry for my delay in responding. Like most things in life when you mostly need it, it's unaccounted for; my internet was down. I had a better day today .. only cried twice. Yesterday I felt as if the world were comming down on me and I couldn't stop it.
As for counseling... I'm looking into it. A few months ago I tried one and it just didn't click. My two sons that were staying at grandma's house brought there stuff back today and my eldest son yesterday found a job in the afternoon starting next week. He'll be driving around in a golf cart in a gated community doing security from 5-midnight. I'm scared for him... I dont really like the job but it allows him to continue school at FIU during the day. This is his freshman year. I know that with my income alone I can hold this house together so him working will really help. Next week I should be cleared with my oncologist. I have already posted my resume on monster and have made a few calls. I'm hoping it will all pan out.
Do I miss him?? All the time, most of the time. Theres a Rascal Flatts song that says something like "I love it when your here but I'm better when your gone." I think in the long run it will be better. I know I'm doing the right thing but as always I'm second guessing my self. Time is the best judge for all things and I'll just watch the clock tick ever so slowly and pray for the best. I do agree that this could not continue the way things were and what hurts the most is that he doesn't even see it.
(((Pixie))) I wish I could offer you some wise words of comfort. Sadly, only time will truly bring you peace. Still, I'm so sorry you are dealing with the emotional pain.
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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It's still very early Pixie. Wounds take time. You will feel miserable for a while and this is not the best time of the year either but you have lots to do, even if you have to force yourself -just try to do it. Come spend time on CD again. Funny how the hours just fly by. It really does help.
Your husband probably thinks he's the good, perfect specimen of a male. Smart, generous, has all the right answers about everything and in the end, they are the ones who lose the most.
I am checking back in with everyone to let everyone know that I'm doing alright. My heart feels so torn into peices. My sons are telling me that they feel sorry for my husband because he is leaving and really has no place to go, I feel guilty for everything that is going on. I have not stopped crying all day. I drove with my eldest son to my sisters house in Naples because he said that he was moving his things out tomorrow. I fear what is to come .... I feel empty. my eldest son driving over here said "ma, i have to finish my bachelors (in almost three years) and everyone else will be out of the house to...what will you do then?". My mind drew a blank....yep there is a posibility that I will be alone...that scares me.
Pixie- first off- u are a great Mom. However I can add this - in therapy I learned- you are obligated to kids and parents- If a spouse or S.O. is screwing up and wrecking your life- It is time to take action! As women, (esp loving, giving and nurturing women) we sometimes tend to put up with.....too much. I am just adding my 2 cents, but believe me I know where you are coming from right now!!.
Also - being alone is not the worst thing- trust me- I am better and healthier alone than I was in a toxic marriage. It is the comfort zone we all need- BUT- over time- you will see that just having a man in the house is not a positive thing , no matter what in-laws or others may say.
sincerely, sunny
sunny/now dreamofmonterey
Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 12-15-2007 at 10:48 PM..
Reason: add
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I can relate!!!!!!
. However I can add this - in therapy I learned- you are obligated to kids and parents- If a spouse or S.O. is screwing up and wrecking your life- It is time to take action! As women, (esp loving, giving and nurturing women) we sometimes tend to put up with.....too much. I am just adding my 2 cents, but believe me I know where you are coming from right now!!. 
