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Don't pursue a man that sounds like he has "self worth" issues. People like that will chew you up and spit you out.
I personally believe that a relationship should not be hard work.
A relationship IS hard work IMHO. I work very hard with my baby and I's relationship. I just don't tend to notice because I don't mind doing it. I want to do what I do to keep us on track. Thinking ahead on things, making sure I help to keep her house the way she likes it, keeping up on repair work for her, little stuff like getting her flowers just because, and whatever else I can do to let her know I'm thinking about her. I guess I just don't consider it "hard work" per se, because I want to do the things I do, but it does take time and energy .
But its SO worth it. I would move mou tai s with a tea spoon if it makes her smile. She has a wonderful smile. I do avree that you shod not have to bust your chops because of demands or have to live up to expectations that are out of your character. The whole "if you love me you will change for me" bit. Nobody should be expected to be something they are not. Real love is accepting and loving someone for who they are, not what someone wants them to be. THAT is very hard work and is toxic as Hell.
But it never hurts to go a bit out of your way to put in the time to show your SO that you are thinking about them even when you're away from each other going about the business of life. Yes, it is a bit of work, but its very worth it.
I agree about this generally...if you've got two people on the same page about it...two people who really like each other and accept each other the way they are...two people who have the ability and willingness to adore each other and make each others' lives better because of their love and admiration for each other...that seems perfect to me.
But, I haven't known that, and this relationship is no exception. I can see that. I have a lot of work to do I guess before I'll find that in another person.
Right now I am trying not to dwell on the fact that yet another man has come into my life presenting as one way and then revealing a very different person when time lapsed.
I have to wonder about myself. What is it about me that attracts this kind of person? Am I really able to do anything about it?
Maybe I should just continue to take a long pause from any relationship at all because I need to sort that out. I feel small ugly and undesirable after this, even though I should feel proud because I was up front and decisive.
The small feelings are a childlike reaction, and I think I need to get that under control...I have too much to do in life to be slowed down by something so ridiculous.
I agree about this generally...if you've got two people on the same page about it...two people who really like each other and accept each other the way they are...two people who have the ability and willingness to adore each other and make each others' lives better because of their love and admiration for each other...that seems perfect to me.
But, I haven't known that, and this relationship is no exception. I can see that. I have a lot of work to do I guess before I'll find that in another person.
Right now I am trying not to dwell on the fact that yet another man has come into my life presenting as one way and then revealing a very different person when time lapsed.
I have to wonder about myself. What is it about me that attracts this kind of person? Am I really able to do anything about it?
Maybe I should just continue to take a long pause from any relationship at all because I need to sort that out. I feel small ugly and undesirable after this, even though I should feel proud because I was up front and decisive.
The small feelings are a childlike reaction, and I think I need to get that under control...I have too much to do in life to be slowed down by something so ridiculous.
Well, I can't see a reason here for you to beat yourself up. Certainly no reason to see yourself in such a negative way. Its been my experience that the best people come along when you're not looking for them. Maybe taking a break and giving yourself some breathing space would help. Concentrate on things you enjoy doing, whatever hobbies or what not you have. Hang out with friends, just enjoy life. We only get one shot at this and none of us are getting out alive. Lol
Get some enjoyment and live a little. Yes, its nice to have someone in your life, being in love is a fantastic feeling . But it isn't easy to find and it can't be rushed. I look back at my past relationships and have come to the realization that I only thought I was in love.
My current relationship is going on two years now. This time I know its for real, but we are just taking it day by day and not pushing the envelope into marriage, or even living together. And its working out great. We don't see each other every day, her job has long hours and she works nights, so she needs space. We are going through a bit of a tough time right now as well, and our togetherness has been modified out of necessity.
Yes, in your case, I think it would benefit you to just go out and live your life. Just be yourself, and like yourself. Don't judge yourself by other peoples standards. Someone will come along. And when they do, you will be in a better frame of mind to build a relationship on. In the meantime, just rock on. Take it day by day and just be you.
So, I've known this guy for over a year, we worked together until he moved out of the state, and we maintained a strictly platonic friendship over that time, until 2 months ago, when we both realized, maybe we liked each other a little more...romantically.
Not exactly the screaming rockets start of a relationship. We've seen each other twice since then, the first time was very nice and sweet, we got along great. The second time, not so much...I felt like he was seriously sabotaging the relationship and everything possible. I never saw such a negative and poisonous side to him. I was absolutely lost for words more than once with his vitriolic attacks. I know I'm going to end it, but I'm going through some transition stuff with it.
One of the things I want to ask all of you is, is it possible that I'm just being overly protective of myself? No, well, without giving you a huge novel of every word spoken which you would find boring.
Would any of you guys ever claim to be interested in growing a healthy relationship while simultaneously tearing down the relationship?
How does that make sense? What am I missing here?
You got a glimpse of what he is capable of and sound like you were a little stunned to say the least. Even if he was having a bad day, you didn't deserve an attack on that level. I would tread lightly after seeing that side of him. Out of state relationships can be tough, this would be a good reason to let it go and start new with someone else.
So, I've known this guy for over a year, we worked together until he moved out of the state, and we maintained a strictly platonic friendship over that time, until 2 months ago, when we both realized, maybe we liked each other a little more...romantically.
Not exactly the screaming rockets start of a relationship. We've seen each other twice since then, the first time was very nice and sweet, we got along great. The second time, not so much...I felt like he was seriously sabotaging the relationship and everything possible. I never saw such a negative and poisonous side to him. I was absolutely lost for words more than once with his vitriolic attacks. I know I'm going to end it, but I'm going through some transition stuff with it.
One of the things I want to ask all of you is, is it possible that I'm just being overly protective of myself? No, well, without giving you a huge novel of every word spoken which you would find boring.
Would any of you guys ever claim to be interested in growing a healthy relationship while simultaneously tearing down the relationship?
How does that make sense? What am I missing here?
You're not the mess, boyfriend is.
Just look at the domestic violence rates.
Men abusing women at a rate of 99.1
Men abusing women they profess to LOVE.
It's not you being precious, but rather your INSTINCT telling you to run! as fast as you can away from this abusive jerk.
So, I've known this guy for over a year, we worked together until he moved out of the state, and we maintained a strictly platonic friendship over that time, until 2 months ago, when we both realized, maybe we liked each other a little more...romantically.
Not exactly the screaming rockets start of a relationship. We've seen each other twice since then, the first time was very nice and sweet, we got along great. The second time, not so much...I felt like he was seriously sabotaging the relationship and everything possible. I never saw such a negative and poisonous side to him. I was absolutely lost for words more than once with his vitriolic attacks. I know I'm going to end it, but I'm going through some transition stuff with it.
One of the things I want to ask all of you is, is it possible that I'm just being overly protective of myself? No, well, without giving you a huge novel of every word spoken which you would find boring. Would any of you guys ever claim to be interested in growing a healthy relationship while simultaneously tearing down the relationship?
How does that make sense? What am I missing here?
I have done the underline part above in the past. I met a great guy, he was great, i thought i wanted a healthy relationship. but it turned out, i was so hurt and damaged from previous relationship, unconsciously, i was sabbotaging my current relationship. Luckily, I realized that early enough though to know he was a great guy and I'm the one with issues. I seeked therapy at the time. We have now been together 2 years.
Its true that I'm seeing his side and my side, I can see how me being so untrusting or suspicious caused me to be less than enthusiastic and carefree, and probably a lot less romantic than I might have been had I experienced great relationships in the past, or was ready to accept him at face value.
Not that I'm a squinty eyed lil judge either, no, I think I just have some some to work through still, and I'm going to 'cool my heels' until I'm ready to try again...I know that not every relationship is FOR you,and sometimes you have to reject and expect rejection out of it.
He didn't meet what I need out of a good relationship, and thats that. I guess you have to learn from it and move on without feeling like its all failure.
And getting some counseling wouldn't hurt...I'd like to find out what my issue is exactly with feeling like I'm the source of the problem instead of seeing what is.
I'm going to a shrink right now who has challenged my feeling the exact same way.
It all goes back to your childhood. If you were brought up being "blamed" then you automatically look for a partner who will blame you.
It happens despite our best efforts to avoid it.
You have to be alert, on guard, and every time someone shows you their true colours, even just a little bit, you need to not let them in your life, in the first place.
It sounds lonely but it's all about learning what your boundaries are (I have barely any) and strengthening yourself, and not being so damn needy.
Yep, I am definitely seeing patterns...but, need a little help identifying the full process sometimes, like, I can see that old codependency issue raising its head...I'm getting better at identifying these things, and saying what needs to be said when it needs saying.
Heck, I'm even getting really good at not being needy. But, as you can see if you read this whole thing, not always. I was recapping on the neediness issue earlier today when I was about to make it all about me again.
Its definitely not all about me, he has some responsibility in it too, and if he were in the space to know what he was saying and stop himself before he said damaging things, then I wouldn't have called him this morning and broke it all off with him.
If I were stronger I would have called him on it right then when it happened instead of having to think about it for a few days before I knew what to do.
Well, its done now, and next time I won't wait to say what needs to be said right then. I won't let someone think its okay to talk to me or treat me like that.
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