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My girlfriend of seven years wants to get married, but I don't. We are in a committed loving relationship and we live together. What should I do?
I would advise...
You need to think about what you need and want out of life. If you do not want to get married, then you should not do it. That is the worst thing you do.
Sometime though, people are scared by new ideas. Really do some soul searching on this. Don't break up, but take a break from cohabitation. This will help you see things more clearly.
Gee, I married because I wanted to. I didn't feel any social pressure from friends or family. We made the decision together. No white knight mentality, no horror stories of my previous marriage. No ultimatums, no bull****.
Does marriage suck for man? Not if he is doing it right.
The OP wants to be a wife. If marriage is just a piece of paper then why can't the boyfriend simply make her happy by getting that "piece of paper". They are already living in a common law marriage. Is it too much to ask to marry her to satisfy her need to be given the respect and title of a wife?
Excellent! My brothers have told me... it is more than just a piece of paper... THAT'S why the guy who only wants to shack up will not get married... because that piece of paper EXISTS.
But, yeah, announcing marriage does bring some social expectations, like fidelity and commitment.
And it does involve legally binding contractural agreements, requiring fidelity and commitment.
Not things that frighten real men who are truly in love.
First of all, congrats to you and your wife (sincerely).
But not all people would agree that a "man" needs the threat of a legally binding contract to remain faithful and committed. For me, my word is enough, and so is the word of the woman I share my life with. If I can't trust her, or she can't trust me, then I need not go further with the relationship.
I fully respect that this approach is not for everyone. I just wish that the people on the marriage bandwagon would also respect that it is not for everyone either. If it works for you, great, but I wish people would quit making blanket statements about other people's motives, actions, and yet-to-be-realized outcomes.
OP should be allowed to take whichever advice works for her, and not be restrained with "absolutes" from people that have not met her, or her BF.
That is because he is unsuitable...for the woman he is with. Instead of dragging things out when he knows from the start that he doesn't want to be married be HONEST! I have personally watched some of my dh friend's with long-term live-in gfs state she wants to get married but that ain't never going to happen. That's deceptive. Let people know where you stand. State I think marriage is a bum deal for men and I don't want to do it. How about well, I'm not 100% sure about you so I can't make that committment at this time?
Sometimes women really hear what they want to hear instead of listening to what he actually said and believing that he means it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by le roi
this is exactly the point
marriage often requires an ultimatum on the woman's part.
if a woman wants to get married, then a guy who doesn't want marriage must be treated as unsuitable.
I had a coworker who dated his girlfriend for 10 years before they got married. He always claimed he wasn't ready, he liked to party and was getting everything he wanted while dating. My father, our boss, finally told him to marry the girl or get out of her life. 6 months later they were married. Just because he says he's not ready does not mean he doesn't want to get married, but you need to push him or get a guy friend to talk to him about it. He sounds like he's immature and not wanting to grow up. He's been with you 7 years, I don't think its going to end the relationship by having a serious discussion and thats what needs to happen.
marriage often requires an ultimatum on the woman's part.
if a woman wants to get married, then a guy who doesn't want marriage must be treated as unsuitable.
Because for her, he is unsuitable.
It's not that different from wanting kids. Regardless of whether one does or does not want them, that is not something someone should have to compromise on for the pleasure of a partner's company. It's a yes-or-no proposition, quite literally, and if one person wants that kind of life and the other doesn't, the two are fundamentally incompatible in their goals and are best off parting ways so each may find what he or she needs to be happy.
If you're not that "marriage driven", and obviously he's not either, then what's the big deal? Why even post this thread if he feels pretty much the same way you do? I think you're just upset that he didn't jump at the thought even though it's not a deal breaker for you.
Also his story about growing up without a father figure and questioning whether he could be a good husband because he doesn't know what it takes, is a line of absolute BS and a cop out. He's comfortable now and doesn't want to change the arrangement. If you're okay with that then drop it. If not, drop him.
Hi everyone, just wanted to vent and maybe get some insight.
I am 30 years old and am currently living with my 32 year old boyfriend of 7 years. We've lived together for 5 years. Things are going great - we rarely argue, we laugh a lot, we travel together and have fun. He's my best friend. When we moved in together, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. We talked about marriage then but both agreed it was not a priority and we should get settled into our careers first.
Now we are both doing well in our careers and I feel ready to take the next step. However, a few weeks ago I brought up marriage again and he said "I'm just not ready yet." I acted like it wasn't a big deal, but honestly, I'm really hurt. We've been together for so long and have done so much, why wouldn't he be ready?
It doesn't help that all of our friends are getting married, most of whom are younger than me and have been with their SOs for less time than I have. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and I'm not treating marriage like a competition. But I wonder why my friend's boyfriends are able to make the commitment and mine isn't. I feel like there's something wrong with me.
I definitely don't want to pressure him into marriage, so I've been laying off the subject. But (I hate to admit this) I feel a little depressed. It's odd, when I was younger I didn't see what the big deal was when it came to marriage, but now I have a great man I want to call my husband. Hopefully, I don't turn into a desperate old woman.
Anyway, does anyone maybe have a guess as to why my boyfriend is dragging his feet? Maybe you have a story of your own to share?
Here's your options OP (this thread is way too long to read through) and it isn't that complicated.
1) Ask you boyfriend if he wants to marry you. If he says "Yes", start planning your wedding. Best wishes for a long, healthy and content marriage.
2) Ask your boyfriend if he wants to marry you. If he says "No", start planning how to divide the household items and other shared things and end the relationship calmly, with maturity and a huge learning experience.
There's no running around the rose bush here. It's a Yes or No answer which has an end result. Stop complicating it with "why's" or "why not".
marriage often requires an ultimatum on the woman's part.
if a woman wants to get married, then a guy who doesn't want marriage must be treated as unsuitable.
Marriage shouldn't require an ultimatum. That's my point. My husband WANTED to marry me. There was no need for an ultimatum. But sometimes a person is scared - even though they really do want to get married and an ultimatum can be what they need to take that step. Other times, an ultimatum shows the couple how mismatched they are and gives them the chance to move on. All an ultimatum is is a fork in the road. You either go down the same path together or you take separate paths.
As for a guy who doesn't want marriage being unsuitable for a woman that wants marriage - well, that's exactly what he is. Just as a woman who wants marriage is unsuitable for a man who doesn't want marriage. This isn't rocket science.
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