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I have had quite a few girlfriends and dated one girl from 2006-2008. We're both in our late 20s. She had some mental health issues (bipolar) and eventually lost her athletic scholarship because of it. She was also never able to hold a steady job. There were great times, but more bad ones, as she would either not communicate much or would disappear for weeks at a time and go back to stay with friends in her college town and tell no one. We had quite a few arguments (some intoxicated) and just grew apart. We didn't speak for a few years. I chalk a lot of the problems up to both her personal issues at the time as well as just being young and dumb.
Around 2011 we started speaking again over Facebook, after she was engaged to a mutual acquaintance, whom every gay man I know in our small town said was gay, often with details. Occasional FB messages led to texting, and by 2012, we were texting regularly, with her texting me the day before and after her wedding. She even texted me pictures of their honeymoon while she was on it! We did not live in the same town at the time.
I moved back last year and we started talking more, which progressed into lunches when we worked on the same street and sometimes Skype when I wasn't working in the town. I don't live in the same town now, but we still text daily, and sometimes call when lunches match up. Occasionally she'll text me in the middle of the night. We probably send 500 texts on average a month.
She's now gotten the mental health issues under control and I haven't seen any of the problems we had when we were together, but the chemistry is still there, and probably better now that we're older and more mature. I still get thrilled when I see her, hear her voice, etc. I had a difficult period last year where a friend died and I got laid off in the span of a month, and she was one of the few people outside my family that really stuck by me.
She's never said outright that she feels stuck in her marriage, but they appear to be more like roommates. Her husband look extremely "stiff" in the pictures on Facebook, like he's just going through the motions, but has a genuine smile on his face when he was in some silly picture with several friends at the beach, all of whom were in nothing but briefs. From what I know, he spends a good deal of his free time with friends and his brothers. They do some things together, but honestly seem to be more like friends.
He wants to stay in the area they currently live in and she doesn't, and she's never liked the area. They bought a condo a few years ago that they're fixing up and are going to sell. I've talked to her about my wanting to relocate to central or south FL eventually and she's already been applying for jobs in Tampa and Fort Lauderdale, and said she's leaving the area she lives in by next year, but doesn't even mention hubby. My guess is that they are fixing this condo up to sell, try to make a little money, and maybe separate. She was not on board with the idea when they bought it and it seems to be an anchor for her.
I'd like for her to be with me, but sometimes I think I end up being the adventurous/fun/romantic choice, and the hubby is the consistent/safe choice. I think she likes the idea of being with me as I'm a lot more flexible, move around a lot, and have a little bit of a flashier lifestyle, but he's the "safe choice."
I think you should keep your nose out of someone else's marriage. There is no reason for you to even be any part of her life until she leaves him and is a free woman.
I think you should keep your nose out of someone else's marriage. There is no reason for you to even be any part of her life until she leaves him and is a free woman.
I agree with this. Unless she's told you she's unhappy, or cares about you enough to leave her husband, then you don't need to be making assumptions, taking liberties, and plotting the end of their marriage.
It's too close when you 2 start doing things that you would not want her husband to know of, because that means it's no innocent.
I tell this to girls alot who likes guys with girlfriends. If they are miserable in their relationship, they'd leave. Nobody forces them to stay other than themselves, so apparently, that's where they wanna be. And if they liked you enough, they'd be dumping that partner and getting with you.
And if sh actually does start cheating, I feel bad for her poor husband having an unfaithful and no good wife.If a relationship isn't working, try to fix it, or officially break up before starting another. No excuse for cheating, other than the person is lowdown, and just want it all, or want it easy.
I marvel at all the mental acrobatics you are doing just to pretend you don't want her to cheat with you. At least be honest with yourself, even if you have to lie to everyone else.
I have had quite a few girlfriends and dated one girl from 2006-2008. We're both in our late 20s. She had some mental health issues (bipolar) and eventually lost her athletic scholarship because of it. She was also never able to hold a steady job. There were great times, but more bad ones, as she would either not communicate much or would disappear for weeks at a time and go back to stay with friends in her college town and tell no one. We had quite a few arguments (some intoxicated) and just grew apart. We didn't speak for a few years. I chalk a lot of the problems up to both her personal issues at the time as well as just being young and dumb.
Around 2011 we started speaking again over Facebook, after she was engaged to a mutual acquaintance, whom every gay man I know in our small town said was gay, often with details. Occasional FB messages led to texting, and by 2012, we were texting regularly, with her texting me the day before and after her wedding. She even texted me pictures of their honeymoon while she was on it! We did not live in the same town at the time.
I moved back last year and we started talking more, which progressed into lunches when we worked on the same street and sometimes Skype when I wasn't working in the town. I don't live in the same town now, but we still text daily, and sometimes call when lunches match up. Occasionally she'll text me in the middle of the night. We probably send 500 texts on average a month.
She's now gotten the mental health issues under control and I haven't seen any of the problems we had when we were together, but the chemistry is still there, and probably better now that we're older and more mature. I still get thrilled when I see her, hear her voice, etc. I had a difficult period last year where a friend died and I got laid off in the span of a month, and she was one of the few people outside my family that really stuck by me.
She's never said outright that she feels stuck in her marriage, but they appear to be more like roommates. Her husband look extremely "stiff" in the pictures on Facebook, like he's just going through the motions, but has a genuine smile on his face when he was in some silly picture with several friends at the beach, all of whom were in nothing but briefs. From what I know, he spends a good deal of his free time with friends and his brothers. They do some things together, but honestly seem to be more like friends.
He wants to stay in the area they currently live in and she doesn't, and she's never liked the area. They bought a condo a few years ago that they're fixing up and are going to sell. I've talked to her about my wanting to relocate to central or south FL eventually and she's already been applying for jobs in Tampa and Fort Lauderdale, and said she's leaving the area she lives in by next year, but doesn't even mention hubby. My guess is that they are fixing this condo up to sell, try to make a little money, and maybe separate. She was not on board with the idea when they bought it and it seems to be an anchor for her.
I'd like for her to be with me, but sometimes I think I end up being the adventurous/fun/romantic choice, and the hubby is the consistent/safe choice. I think she likes the idea of being with me as I'm a lot more flexible, move around a lot, and have a little bit of a flashier lifestyle, but he's the "safe choice."
What do you think of the situation?
I think you need to back off of the contact a lot and keep out of her marriage.
You don't know what they are planning to do with the condo or why they are doing it.
Leave her to tend to her marriage on her own without your "friendly influence".
How her husband looks in photos to you is probably skewed by your feelings for her
which equates to you looking for specific justification as to why they should not be
together.
I marvel at all the mental acrobatics you are doing just to pretend you don't want her to cheat with you. At least be honest with yourself, even if you have to lie to everyone else.
Well said. OP, you're already too close. Maybe she is unhappy in her marriage, maybe not. Whatever the case, you don't tamper with someone else's marriage. You let them decide that outcome.
Further it appears you are looking for ways to justify your tampering, especially in your descriptions of the husband. If you are going to go ahead and tamper regardless of it being a profoundly low and contemptible thing to do, at least do so with enough intellectual honesty to acknowledge to yourself your status as a horrible and pathetic human being. There is no way for you to pursue this and be a good person. No matter how much you rationalize it.
I don't understand how people allow what starts out as a Facebook message evolve into a "but we have so much chemistry" situation. Me, if a married person contacts me I say hello and have a friendly chat, but I don't let it progress beyond that. Texting with a married ex? Ridiculous. I wouldn't even exchange phone numbers to begin with. I don't get it. Are you selfish? A sociopath with no empathy? No respect for marriage?
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