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Hi, i'm almost 24, and i never had a girlfriend, except for a one time one-night-kissy-touchy kind of thing. I've been gluing myself to this girl in my class for a year and a half now. I like her personality and i'm attracted to her, not so much sexually though. But, the attraction was bigger before and at that time i was really in love with her. I had a shot then, she made all the effort, and i just ran away, approaching her in some cowardly ways while i was running. After that i didn't really let her cool off, so she kept coming back, and i do the same things all over again. You see, i can't make a choice here. I struggle in pretty much all aspects in my life and i started to feel pain from my depression which is a result of all this struggling, even physical pain, it seems. I have a very specific situation in my family. My brother is autistic, he behaves like a child, my mother is self-centered, which comes from her being depressed also. I am anxious to bring people home, even those who know it all. I am also very much at rock bottom financially, roof over my head and food is basically all i have. My father died 8 years ago, and before that he was bed-bound for 4 years, not wanting to get out of the house and became a mentally changed man due to multiple strokes he had. So from the start of his desease to these present days, I find it very hard to connect with people. I repress my feelings because of all the pain. I didn't help my brother socially, so i feel guilty, and he from time to time keeps reminding me how "I have it all, and he has nothing". He either "loves" me a lot (doctors say he feels no empathy), and acts clingy towards me or hates me too much and bad-mouths me. Professionally I have touble too, having a desire to leave school and pursue my other interests, which is hard in my country and people around me pressure me not to.
It comes down to her. I fear I can't find a better match for myself and I'm gonna keep struggling with my love life for years to come. I wasn't open to her, nor almost anyone else in my life, though i am open about my opinions, and things I like. I'm a good judge of character and try too look each person as if they are special in some way. I have to put on a mask of a happy man in social situations (it is a mask, but i also feel relieved when i'm not at home), people won't stand depressed, so i feel very insincere, i don't wanna be like that to her, and i've already been. She started flirting with my friend, my only male colleague in this class, and he seems to get a little fired up. I think she does that to motivate me, but i feel so guilty towards her, and i get this overwhelming feeling that she wants revenge instead. So I told her, through facebook, that i can't take it anymore and i'm gonna stop dragging her. What do you think?
Can a person see you're in pain, though not knowing the whole story? Will my friend who knows my situation, but with whom i didn't talk about this girl, betray me? Would she hurt me like that? Could she give me another chance in the future?
I appreciate any help, but i think this should be read in depth.
People can't read your mind, and "pain" usually comes across in a number of very off-putting ways, from aggression, stand-offishness, shyness, bullying or just plain weirdness. After a year and a half, who knows what this girl thinks of you??
My honest suggestion is counseling. You have been through a Lot and do not sound emotionally heathy enough for dating. Your school has a counseling center. You should make an appointment there before you do anything else.
Im not sure what your chances are with this girl as of now. All you can do, if you are thinking about her/missing her is put yourself back into more regular contact with her. Sometimes almost losing someone is what it takes to make you realize that you like them more than you thought. Or maybe she'll start paying attention to you again and you'll run away again. Who knows.
I used to be SUPER fickle. So I get it. Some of that is fear, even if you don't recognize it as such. You know what I ended up doing? Dating a guy just for the sake of dating him. I wasn't in love with him, but he was a good guy. And I knew he really liked me, so I wasn't worried about rejection or heart break. I kind of just wanted to know what it was like to have a boyfriend. Stayed with him for two years. I liked him enough, and even grew to love him, but he was never one of the great loves of my life. And that's ok. What it did was give me confidence going forward.
You are still very young, and this is a huge part of growing up.
But realize that she probably feels rejected by you, so she may not be able to pick up on the fact that you are in pain. She's feeling her pain more. And your friend will only know the situation if you tell him, bcs it sounds like you haven't talked to him about her. What does "Stop dragging her" mean, anyway?
Im not sure what your chances are with this girl as of now. All you can do, if you are thinking about her/missing her is put yourself back into more regular contact with her. Sometimes almost losing someone is what it takes to make you realize that you like them more than you thought. Or maybe she'll start paying attention to you again and you'll run away again. Who knows.
I used to be SUPER fickle. So I get it. Some of that is fear, even if you don't recognize it as such. You know what I ended up doing? Dating a guy just for the sake of dating him. I wasn't in love with him, but he was a good guy. And I knew he really liked me, so I wasn't worried about rejection or heart break. I kind of just wanted to know what it was like to have a boyfriend. Stayed with him for two years. I liked him enough, and even grew to love him, but he was never one of the great loves of my life. And that's ok. What it did was give me confidence going forward.
You are still very young, and this is a huge part of growing up.
But realize that she probably feels rejected by you, so she may not be able to pick up on the fact that you are in pain. She's feeling her pain more. And your friend will only know the situation if you tell him, bcs it sounds like you haven't talked to him about her. What does "Stop dragging her" mean, anyway?
Thanks for the reply and the one above. The situation with my friend is more recent, and I'm uncomfortable talking about these things in general, so that's my fault also. I meant "dragging" as if i'm not able to leave her alone, out of fear the story's gonna end. I always say something when we're chatting to let her know I'm still interested and in the end I do nothing. I'm feeling like I'm affecting her decisions, and I shouldn't. She's 21, so she's young too, maybe a little desperate for a boyfriend.
rebell the first thing you need to do is screw up your confidence, and stop acting like a whiny, scared little child looking for your mommys skirt to hide behind. you are now a man, you have been for a few years now. go talk to this girl, and see if she still has any feelings for you. and when you go talk to her, remember that she is a human being just like you. she has similar wants and fears, and needs just like you do. what you need to do is to see her as a person and not an object.
rebell the first thing you need to do is screw up your confidence, and stop acting like a whiny, scared little child looking for your mommys skirt to hide behind. you are now a man, you have been for a few years now. go talk to this girl, and see if she still has any feelings for you. and when you go talk to her, remember that she is a human being just like you. she has similar wants and fears, and needs just like you do. what you need to do is to see her as a person and not an object.
Man Up!!! Quit whining!!!! You lack Discipline!!!! Don't express negative feelings!!!!
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