Arranged marriage in the USA, would you do it? (how to, young, 2014)

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by elnina

Very good observation.
Arranged marriages are often confused with those that are forced.

In some countries arranged means families or friends are involved in the decision-making, but that doesn't mean going in completely blind, whoever they pick for them. The matchmakers try to make the best possible match they can, even down to the exact details of housing, money, continued post-graduate education, and who brings what to the marriage. They take the feelings and thoughts of the woman and man into consideration, and the final choice is hers and his.

The arrangement is based on similarities in their traditional and cultural backgrounds, religion, schooling, family, and financial equity. Having equal worth and social position, and similar cultural backgrounds pretty much eliminates gold diggers, and screwing the higher income earner.

Here, I noticed, the most important thing is the look and if they are good in bed, money also play important role - but sameness of upbringing, monetary equality, background, spiritual beliefs, tradition and culture make the most satisfying and enduring relationships.
Falling in love with someone who has a very different background and upbringing doesn't necessarily make the most successful of partnerships.
I know plenty of couples that I believed were madly in love. Many are divorced now, because except good sex they had nothing in common.
I also known several couples who have successful arranged marriages, and they were not members of Muslim communities.

I guess falling in love after getting married seems to be something western societies don't want to consider.

Since in modern world matchmaking is not much different from arranging marriage, why all the fuss about it? Online matchmaking is a multibillion dollar business. People have to enter details about themselves to eliminate incompatible partners. Matchmakers like families know dealbreaking details that are often overlooked until too late in the dating game, such as whether you are a morning person or a night owl, messy or clean, or refuse to eat your vegetables. They know your financial situation, your views and beliefs, education, your expectations and plans for the future.
The only difference is that arranged marriages are prepared by friends/family members, and online matchmaking is prepared by computers. In both cases you still have the last word.

I remember reading about this arranged marriage where this couple went out and if they liked each other they got married. To me that's not much different than our type of marriage, though at that point is it really arranged? It's not much different than my parents introducing me to my boyfriend and hoping we connected.

I think the problem many western marriages have is definitely being sex and looks based. Then when it fizzles the marriage is done. To many don't even look at things like hobbies and friendship. Also, definitely same background is so important. Most of the successful marriages I know were between people of the same income level, same area etc.

[The Dissenter]

With my luck, I'd end up in an arranged marriage with someone who is the polar opposite of what I can tolerate like a Christian conservative who wants a big family and wants to live in the Deep South. Hell no.

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by Djuna

Maybe you should choose shows that are a bit more intellectually stimulating instead of pop culture garbage

And the answer is a big fat hell NO. I like being a westernised girl in a westernised world and having choices.

Normally I avoid these shows but was curious so I checked it out. It actually added a bit of a scientific flavor to it where the experts talked about matching up due to many factors. However one bride said she wasn't attracted to the groom so who knows if they would go through it. It was a lot different than I expected, like that cheesy Fox show from years back.

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by highlife2

Why are desperate people (and the desperate measures they go to) treated with contempt?

Think of it this way it's a rubberball comment when you analyze the one spewing black kettles.

[jade408]

My sister and I joke our parents should arrange a marriage for us.

In cultures where it is a normal custom, relationship has been vetted by all sorts of family members and you already know you have some stuff in common.

I think this show feels a little weird, well not the whole matchmaker part. But the getting married without the time together and meeting. That is way too gimmicky!

[intelfan11315]

Originally Posted by elnina

It works for some people in some countries...
You might want to read this:
Myths and facts about arranged marriage | Star Tribune
"For Westerners, you love first before you marry - for most Easterners, the philosophy is that you marry first and develop an intimate relationship. You begin to understand each other and you grow."

You think it works?

lol, the divorce rate is low because they're ostracized by the community and their families if they divorce.

I've seen that BS first hand, it's no better than the West.. just less freedom to be happy.

[ohio_peasant]

I'm unfamiliar with the show highlighted in this thread, and likely its premise is contrived, cheapening the whole idea of arranged marriage. I have long advocated a third-party means for bringing people together, whether it's parents or the village matchmaker or some modern ersatz. Finding a marriage-partner is too important and momentous of a task to be left to chance, or the internet, or sensory-based appeal. It requires a mature and dispassionate guiding hand.

Originally Posted by elnina

"For Westerners, you love first before you marry - for most Easterners, the philosophy is that you marry first and develop an intimate relationship. You begin to understand each other and you grow."

It always baffled me how people could "fall" in love. How is love possible, until and unless the two lovers have spent years together? If they're merely mutually attracted, this is lust or infatuation - not love. Love is the dissolution of boundaries - and that requires time.

Originally Posted by highlife2

Why are desperate people (and the desperate measures they go to) treated with contempt?

Because in America we're enthralled by the myth that everyone has opportunities, that only shiftless idiots fail, and that they therefore deserve to fail. Americans are convinced that we can and should make our own luck, and that it's craven surrender to suggest that forces beyond our control shape our lives, for good or ill. "Desperation" is contemptible, even execrable. To be desperate means to fail at the game of life, squandering one's chances and then blaming the big-bad-world for its cruel indifference.

[intelfan11315]

Originally Posted by ohio_peasant

Because in America we're enthralled by the myth that everyone has opportunities, that only shiftless idiots fail, and that they therefore deserve to fail. Americans are convinced that we can and should make our own luck, and that it's craven surrender to suggest that forces beyond our control shape our lives, for good or ill. "Desperation" is contemptible, even execrable. To be desperate means to fail at the game of life, squandering one's chances and then blaming the big-bad-world for its cruel indifference.

I see nothing wrong with this

Better than blaming your life on luck and blaming other people for your own shortcomings.

[dumblady]

I'm dumb but not dumb enough to do that.

Answer is: no.

[dumblady]

Marriages that last are based on friendship and similar ethics and moral values. No one knows you better than yourself. I am not against matchmakers or arranged marriages per se but by not meeting and getting to know the other person very well before marriage you could be walking into a disaster. How faithful are people in arranged marriages? That is people who never cheat on their spouses. Are they any more faithful to their spouses than those who chose the spouse themselves? I know for my in law's they would never chosen me for their son. Yet my husband and I have been very good for each other and have been married 30 years. They thoroughly approved their daughter's first husband and unbeknownst to them the daughter was having an affair with another man 2 years after marrying. They were loaning her money to buy a house while she was planning to ditch her husband. They did not like the other man until they found out he was going to inherit a lot of money...then they thought he was wonderful. She did not marry the second husband until after he inherited. She is still married to him but we spent 2 weeks with them last year and something is off. The way they act in public seems off. It seems like they are overdoing things to convince the outside world they are deliriously happy. Well I guess you can tell I don't approve of her. My husband moved 3000 miles away from his parents. He loves them because they are his parents but I can see the big difference between him and the rest of his family. He would not have been happy married to someone they picked. He's a wonderful person whose parents pick on him and say unkind things in public about him while he is present. He is better off 3000 miles away from them. I love my husband. I made a good choice on my own. My family has grown to love him too. He is the best brother in law and the best son in law. When I hear about his childhood it is mostly about his best friends and hanging around at their homes. Sometimes I wonder if he was really raised by the parents of his friends and his boy scout leaders. Because he is so much more honest than the rest of his family.