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Our second date was a weekend at my apartment. We moved in together after two months and married seven months after that. It's been twenty nine years now and still going strong. When it's right it's right whether it's been two weeks or ten years, beside the fact that my lease was up and I had to either renew it or move in with John. Moving in together was a good move financially as well.
If my goal were to get married - I would not move in with a SO.
Not generalizing the issue, but the way I see it men and women seem to view moving in together differently.
Women are more likely to see it as a step toward marriage, and men are more likely to see it as a "test run" for marriage. That does NOT mean, they should not check their sexual incompatibilities, but I think women should avoid cohabitation if they want to get married.
Women who progress from dating to sleeping over, to sleeping over a lot, to cohabitation tend to have less fruitful conversations about rings, commitments or setting date for marriage.
Living together is not motivating many guys to get married. What for? many think - they have already everything what a marriage would bring without actual commitment and marriage. Some successfully drag it for many years, as we can see from many posts on this forum.
I think this is true. I am going to use a few examples from my friend circle:
1. Moved in after about a year, they moved to a new metro for his job, not one that she particularly liked. They stayed together for about 7 years (my friend of course is the woman). Her mom didn't like him, and same with most of her friends, me included! He wasn't a terrible guy, he was a little selfish and didn't really want to put any effort into her interests, but wanted her to take up his. They kept fighting over marriage, he didn't want to marry someone not Jewish. And she was Catholic and not planning to convert. I was really happy (I had to hold back my cheers!) when they broke up! After a few months she moved to her favorite city and is having a grand time in an awesome job, awesome apartment, and basically living the "glamorous life."
2. Couple #2, they moved in together after roughly a year as well. My friend (the woman in the relationship) wants to get married and isn't completely sure about kids. So they couldn't figure out what their next steps were. I have a not so subtle friend who asked him every time we all got together when he was going to "put a ring on it." They finally got engaged last year, after about 6 years of dating and 4 or 5 years of living together. They haven't started planning their wedding yet!
3. Couple #3 moved in after getting engaged, it was a condition of moving in together. They set a date shortly there after, and bought a home together before the wedding. They moved into their new home a couple months before the wedding.
4. Couple #4: Long distance relationship. They talked about moving in together (he was going to relocate). They got engaged, and although there were sleepovers and long term visits, they didn't move in till after the wedding. This couple was also very religious and did not believe in sex before marriage either. So sleepovers meant separate beds!
It only seems to work out, if you set up some rules before moving in together.
Somebody once gave me a good piece of advice. She said in life we need a full backpack (or as close to it as we can get) before we can give our life to another person.
That means you need to have your backpack full of those things that will sustain your own life. A job, a home, money in the bank. It isn't easy, and sometimes it takes many years to get to that point. Sometimes it is almost impossible.
But the benefit is that when you are established you feel different about yourself. You are confident. You feel accomplished. And you will desire the company of other people who are also self sufficient. Those people won't take anything out of your backpack. And you don't need anything from theirs. You have enough each day to take care of yourself.
The other benefit is that nobody can own you. I realize people can't be 100% there. But the more you are, the better decisions you will make.
I would never move in with someone before marriage. It is not a good option in my humble opinion. People only have enough in their backpacks for themselves. Make sure you are very complete before getting your life deeply involved with someone else.
Somebody once gave me a good piece of advice. She said in life we need a full backpack (or as close to it as we can get) before we can give our life to another person.
That means you need to have your backpack full of those things that will sustain your own life. A job, a home, money in the bank. It isn't easy, and sometimes it takes many years to get to that point. Sometimes it is almost impossible.
But the benefit is that when you are established you feel different about yourself. You are confident. You feel accomplished. And you will desire the company of other people who are also self sufficient. Those people won't take anything out of your backpack. And you don't need anything from theirs. You have enough each day to take care of yourself.
The other benefit is that nobody can own you. I realize people can't be 100% there. But the more you are, the better decisions you will make.
I would never move in with someone before marriage. It is not a good option in my humble opinion. People only have enough in their backpacks for themselves. Make sure you are very complete before getting your life deeply involved with someone else.
Both my husband and I were fully self-sufficient adults with jobs, incomes, savings, and homes prior to moving in together. We didn't move in together because we needed to, we moved in together because we wanted to.
I don't want to get married, so I will always see cohabitation as the furthest a relationship can progress.
Moved in with my recent ex after 8 months. Ex before that one, moved in with him after 3 years. Might eventually move in with the current bf, only time will tell.
We moved in after dating for a year (he started moving his stuff in bit by bit around 11 months and was fully moved in at 12 months). The first month - month and a half was really challenging and we fought a lot, but now there is nothing better. I love and look forward to coming home to my best friend. I give him a massage every night. I love cuddling up to him and I love how he can always make me laugh. I am so, so happy that we did this.
We met when we were both 26 and were 27 when we moved in together.
I wouldn't move in with someone until we were engaged with a wedding very soon to follow. I think you can tell from staying the night with each other, going on trips, etc. if you'll be compatible with that person. I don't want to test someone out for marriage by living together. I have my own house now and that has changed my views as well. Allowing someone else to live in my house where it would become our house or selling or renting my own house to live in someone else's house are HUGE to me. I would not do that unless it was for a very serious commitment.
I wouldn't move in with someone until we were engaged with a wedding very soon to follow. I think you can tell from staying the night with each other, going on trips, etc. if you'll be compatible with that person. I don't want to test someone out for marriage by living together. I have my own house now and that has changed my views as well. Allowing someone else to live in my house where it would become our house or selling or renting my own house to live in someone else's house are HUGE to me. I would not do that unless it was for a very serious commitment.
If a guy moved in with you, you could always charge him rent.
Somebody once gave me a good piece of advice. She said in life we need a full backpack (or as close to it as we can get) before we can give our life to another person.
That means you need to have your backpack full of those things that will sustain your own life. A job, a home, money in the bank. It isn't easy, and sometimes it takes many years to get to that point. Sometimes it is almost impossible.
But the benefit is that when you are established you feel different about yourself. You are confident. You feel accomplished. And you will desire the company of other people who are also self sufficient. Those people won't take anything out of your backpack. And you don't need anything from theirs. You have enough each day to take care of yourself.
The other benefit is that nobody can own you. I realize people can't be 100% there. But the more you are, the better decisions you will make.
I would never move in with someone before marriage. It is not a good option in my humble opinion. People only have enough in their backpacks for themselves. Make sure you are very complete before getting your life deeply involved with someone else.
That sounds like really sound advice but one size does not fit all. We were a couple of poor young kids in debt and both living in crummy apartments. We were basically strangers when we moved in together after two months. It sounds reckless, irresponsible, and crazy doesn't it? Yet we were self made in our 40's and still very deeply in love. I think there's something to be said for jumping right into the relationship with both feet while it's still young. Living apart for years and years before marriage can set up many hazards if both parties are too set in their ways. Would I do this again at my age? Oh heck no. When you're young you adapt better. That and the sex has always been fantastic.
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