Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've seen threads on here about moving on after someone has wronged you and eventually forgiving them. Those aren't uncommon. What about a situation where YOU wronged the person?
I've posted a bit about a girl I was dating for seven months. She was enamored by me...enough to the point to end her relationship with her current boyfriend and pursue me.
Fast forward I have come to terms with many things that I did wrong:
1) I harshly judged her. Her flaws. Her perceived neediness, the fact that I didn't believe she did much outside of her life besides work and going out and drinking. Criticized her for cheating. I may have been OK in making judgements in my observations, but tearing someone to shreds, making them cry, etc. that is something I hate doing to anyone.
2) I did not set a proper expectation of our relationship. She clearly wanted more and wanted to be with me. I had reservations so I delayed things. If these were not met I should have ended it instead of dragging it out so long.
3) I gave mixed signals which hurt her. This goes back to #2. I pretty much turned her into a FWB, but TREATED her like a GF in terms of taking her out, cooking for her, doing things she wanted, but I did not want everyone to know about us, nor did I have interest in publicizing us dating one another. This of course frustrated her because it gave the illusion that I was 'available' to other girls, but I did not actually pursue anyone else during this time.
4) Not being decisive in my decision. Sure of course she may have hated me, but dragging it out like I did for seven months instead of maybe 3-4 would have been more emotionally healthy for her.
She brought out an ugly side of me sometimes. When she would get upset with me I would get hyper defensive. She said I love to argue, which I have before, but this is a relationship in which I retaliated with criticism harshly and deeply hurt someone. Someone that revealed things about her and I perhaps used them against her. This is not the type of person I intended to be nor do I want to for anyone else.
Right now she doesn't want much to do with me now. She says she loves me. I DO care about her, but I do feel that I would be settling with her, despite the fact that in my heart I did want things to work out and I wish I didn't have reservations. The truth of the matter is that I cannot force how I feel and this is almost unrequited love.
I also know that I have had legitimate concerns about being with her and many people have told me to RUN but I still HATE hurting someone.
I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!
I've seen threads on here about moving on after someone has wronged you and eventually forgiving them. Those aren't uncommon. What about a situation where YOU wronged the person?
I've posted a bit about a girl I was dating for seven months. She was enamored by me...enough to the point to end her relationship with her current boyfriend and pursue me.
Fast forward I have come to terms with many things that I did wrong:
1) I harshly judged her. Her flaws. Her perceived neediness, the fact that I didn't believe she did much outside of her life besides work and going out and drinking. Criticized her for cheating. I may have been OK in making judgements in my observations, but tearing someone to shreds, making them cry, etc. that is something I hate doing to anyone.
2) I did not set a proper expectation of our relationship. She clearly wanted more and wanted to be with me. I had reservations so I delayed things. If these were not met I should have ended it instead of dragging it out so long.
3) I gave mixed signals which hurt her. This goes back to #2. I pretty much turned her into a FWB, but TREATED her like a GF in terms of taking her out, cooking for her, doing things she wanted, but I did not want everyone to know about us, nor did I have interest in publicizing us dating one another. This of course frustrated her because it gave the illusion that I was 'available' to other girls, but I did not actually pursue anyone else during this time.
4) Not being decisive in my decision. Sure of course she may have hated me, but dragging it out like I did for seven months instead of maybe 3-4 would have been more emotionally healthy for her.
She brought out an ugly side of me sometimes. When she would get upset with me I would get hyper defensive. She said I love to argue, which I have before, but this is a relationship in which I retaliated with criticism harshly and deeply hurt someone. Someone that revealed things about her and I perhaps used them against her. This is not the type of person I intended to be nor do I want to for anyone else.
Right now she doesn't want much to do with me now. She says she loves me. I DO care about her, but I do feel that I would be settling with her, despite the fact that in my heart I did want things to work out and I wish I didn't have reservations. The truth of the matter is that I cannot force how I feel and this is almost unrequited love.
I also know that I have had legitimate concerns about being with her and many people have told me to RUN but I still HATE hurting someone.
I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!
At least you feel remorse and can recognize the pain you caused by treating her like an FWB when you knew she wanted more.
Only advice I can give you is to continue to be more honest with yourself and your intentions with others.
Your post reminds me of someone who prided himself in being an 'upstanding' person, always pleasing his friends, but when it came to a girl who was into him, he treated her like garbage which is pretty reminiscent of how he treated his mother.
Maybe you can ask yourself what you hide inside, and what this situation with this girl represents to you. Maybe she reminds you of a smother (GF who resembled your mother?, a sorta love-hate dichotomy?). Obviously it bothers you, because it's still about how you like to maintain an image about yourself that's contradictory of how you feel inside about others.
I've seen threads on here about moving on after someone has wronged you and eventually forgiving them. Those aren't uncommon. What about a situation where YOU wronged the person?
I've posted a bit about a girl I was dating for seven months. She was enamored by me...enough to the point to end her relationship with her current boyfriend and pursue me.
Fast forward I have come to terms with many things that I did wrong:
1) I harshly judged her. Her flaws. Her perceived neediness, the fact that I didn't believe she did much outside of her life besides work and going out and drinking. Criticized her for cheating. I may have been OK in making judgements in my observations, but tearing someone to shreds, making them cry, etc. that is something I hate doing to anyone.
2) I did not set a proper expectation of our relationship. She clearly wanted more and wanted to be with me. I had reservations so I delayed things. If these were not met I should have ended it instead of dragging it out so long.
3) I gave mixed signals which hurt her. This goes back to #2. I pretty much turned her into a FWB, but TREATED her like a GF in terms of taking her out, cooking for her, doing things she wanted, but I did not want everyone to know about us, nor did I have interest in publicizing us dating one another. This of course frustrated her because it gave the illusion that I was 'available' to other girls, but I did not actually pursue anyone else during this time.
4) Not being decisive in my decision. Sure of course she may have hated me, but dragging it out like I did for seven months instead of maybe 3-4 would have been more emotionally healthy for her.
She brought out an ugly side of me sometimes. When she would get upset with me I would get hyper defensive. She said I love to argue, which I have before, but this is a relationship in which I retaliated with criticism harshly and deeply hurt someone. Someone that revealed things about her and I perhaps used them against her. This is not the type of person I intended to be nor do I want to for anyone else.
Right now she doesn't want much to do with me now. She says she loves me. I DO care about her, but I do feel that I would be settling with her, despite the fact that in my heart I did want things to work out and I wish I didn't have reservations. The truth of the matter is that I cannot force how I feel and this is almost unrequited love.
I also know that I have had legitimate concerns about being with her and many people have told me to RUN but I still HATE hurting someone.
I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!
Yes, in my view you are suffering from indecision here and also low confidence, I am not sure if you are like that as a person but still it is not a good sign, so work on it and lift yourself up. At least you seem to be a good person, so you at least know what went wrong in your relationship, I think you know what your mistakes were, that's good so don't repeat them again.
By the way you have written you had some reservations? right? , I am not sure what you meant by that but in my view I also you has some standards for the kind of person you wanted, if I am right on this, then remember next time don't go for a person who doesn't match up to your standards, otherwise this will be repeated again, know yourself well, know your worth and don't settle for just some woman , you will be unhappy if you do so.
Next time if you wish to take things slowly in the beginning, make sure the other person is okay with your pace, if not end it then and there, don't compromise and be okay with anything.Don't ever give mixed signals, it is a sign of an unclear, cluttered mind, it will give an impression as if you don't know what you want, don't do that, be clear about things.
The most difficult but the important thing you have to do is to forgive yourself, I am not sure in what way, there is no clear cut way to forgive yourself but that's what you should do, for your peace of mind, let go of the pain.
There is nothing much to say, most of your mistakes it seems you have realized it, it's okay to make mistakes, you are also human, sometimes even the best of the men makes mistakes, but the important thing is to not repeat it and learn from it, I know you don't like to hurt others, which is very good and right now you are hurt, but that's okay, I hope you learn and realize your mistakes and feel better with time.
I harshly judged her. Her flaws. Her perceived neediness, the fact that I didn't believe she did much outside of her life besides work and going out and drinking. Criticized her for cheating. I may have been OK in making judgements in my observations, but tearing someone to shreds, making them cry, etc. that is something I hate doing to anyone.
Do you mean she had a habit of going out, getting drunk and getting laid?
How long did this go on before you acted? You said you were indecisive.
I think you need to address your pain and, if this was the case, figure out why you couldn't let her go her own way.
At least you feel remorse and can recognize the pain you caused by treating her like an FWB when you knew she wanted more.
Only advice I can give you is to continue to be more honest with yourself and your intentions with others.
Your post reminds me of someone who prided himself in being an 'upstanding' person, always pleasing his friends, but when it came to a girl who was into him, he treated her like garbage which is pretty reminiscent of how he treated his mother.
Maybe you can ask yourself what you hide inside, and what this situation with this girl represents to you. Maybe she reminds you of a smother (GF who resembled your mother?, a sorta love-hate dichotomy?). Obviously it bothers you, because it's still about how you like to maintain an image about yourself that's contradictory of how you feel inside about others.
I think I failed at being honest. I can be defensive, but I was quite to criticize and judge her. Perhaps it is my own standards but at the time I met her I was just healing from a relationship that was done over a year ago, yet I was talking to my ex on and off.
At the time I felt a but unhappy and displaced where I lived and didn't really allow anyone in. I haven't treated anyone like this before. One of the scary things about this girl is that she just got me and understood how I was. I guess I was unhappy because I saw other people happy with people they were with and attracted to and I felt I may have to settle. Regardless, nothing SHE did to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SF
Yes, in my view you are suffering from indecision here and also low confidence, I am not sure if you are like that as a person but still it is not a good sign, so work on it and lift yourself up. At least you seem to be a good person, so you at least know what went wrong in your relationship, I think you know what your mistakes were, that's good so don't repeat them again.
By the way you have written you had some reservations? right? , I am not sure what you meant by that but in my view I also you has some standards for the kind of person you wanted, if I am right on this, then remember next time don't go for a person who doesn't match up to your standards, otherwise this will be repeated again, know yourself well, know your worth and don't settle for just some woman , you will be unhappy if you do so.
Next time if you wish to take things slowly in the beginning, make sure the other person is okay with your pace, if not end it then and there, don't compromise and be okay with anything.Don't ever give mixed signals, it is a sign of an unclear, cluttered mind, it will give an impression as if you don't know what you want, don't do that, be clear about things.
The most difficult but the important thing you have to do is to forgive yourself, I am not sure in what way, there is no clear cut way to forgive yourself but that's what you should do, for your peace of mind, let go of the pain.
There is nothing much to say, most of your mistakes it seems you have realized it, it's okay to make mistakes, you are also human, sometimes even the best of the men makes mistakes, but the important thing is to not repeat it and learn from it, I know you don't like to hurt others, which is very good and right now you are hurt, but that's okay, I hope you learn and realize your mistakes and feel better with time.
That's all from me
Good luck
I think a lot about things and yes part of this introspection is for me to decide how to best behave in the future.
Yes I have standards. I thought she was cute, but I was not as nearly as attracted to her as she was to me. Not her fault. The personality stuff got to me. I felt that when I wanted to spend my time out training and having "me" time that she wanted to smother me because she didn't have passions outside of work.
Other things about her irked me. Like I mentioned, the cheating, the fact that it appeared she had a lot of drama in her life which scared me. I'm not trying to throw her under the bus here. I just had things that preventing me from being serious with her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frihed89
Do you mean she had a habit of going out, getting drunk and getting laid?
How long did this go on before you acted? You said you were indecisive.
I think you need to address your pain and, if this was the case, figure out why you couldn't let her go her own way.
Love is a poor excuse for accepting humiliation.
No she isn't like that. I just didn't like that she spend 2-3 times a week going out and drinking with her friends. She tells me she hates drinking yet does it. I like to spend time working out, etc. She would get upset that I would prioritize that a bit and would be finished doing those activities late. I felt she would understand if she did something on her own.
She has good qualities which I liked, but she didn't meet all the checkmarks in what I wanted with someone. Her emotional neediness, the fact that she name calls when she is upset, antidepressants, it seemed that she left her last bf because she was emotionally unfulfilled and I felt that would repeat with us with her personality. I thought she was a bit emotionally weak at times also. Again, I believe my reservations were legitimate in what I want but that doesn't mean I should have hurt her.
Perhaps a part of you lied to yourself and you kept convincing yourself of the lies you didn't want to face, because you felt pressured.
Either way, there's no point in looking back and kicking yourself. Most you can do is learn. And, by dwelling, you're not allowing yourself to see what's holding you back. Maybe your lists are too long. The way you judge others is also the way you judge yourself as not being good enough.
Your posts seem to circle around the fact that you have a standard you must live by, and achieving excellence and perfection is your endeavor, and something quite crippling at the same time? Btw- I don't blame you for feeling that her drinking was a problem- it is, and you can't tell yourself it's your fault you didn't want to accept her because of her behavior.
You guys really weren't a great match, and the fact it lasted longer than it should've makes you feel remorse, because sounds like you really would've loved for your relationship with her to work out, but you weren't honest with yourself from get-go. Maybe that's the lesson you need to learn that mutuality, empathy, for both parties is important, and that physical and emotional attraction to some degree does matter.
Perhaps a part of you lied to yourself and you kept convincing yourself of the lies you didn't want to face, because you felt pressured.
Either way, there's no point in looking back and kicking yourself. Most you can do is learn. And, by dwelling, you're not allowing yourself to see what's holding you back. Maybe your lists are too long. The way you judge others is also the way you judge yourself as not being good enough.
Your posts seem to circle around the fact that you have a standard you must live by, and achieving excellence and perfection is your endeavor, and something quite crippling at the same time? Btw- I don't blame you for feeling that her drinking was a problem- it is, and you can't tell yourself it's your fault you didn't want to accept her because of her behavior.
You guys really weren't a great match, and the fact it lasted longer than it should've makes you feel remorse, because sounds like you really would've loved for your relationship with her to work out, but you weren't honest with yourself from get-go. Maybe that's the lesson you need to learn that mutuality, empathy, for both parties is important, and that physical and emotional attraction to some degree does matter.
Yep. I wasn't honest in a lot of things about her. I was not strongly attracted to her but I didn't say no either. I think I did feel some pressure and I was trying to convince myself to be more into her funny enough. Thing is I can't force those emotions and I wasn't where she was emotionally. I tried to end things before and be friends but it didn't work.
And maybe I do judge myself harshly also. People do say I take myself very seriously. I do overthink a lot to my own admission and that cripples me. I feel a lot happier in my life now but I want more of course but working on it. Good enough? I think I'm ahead of a lot others but I could be.
Yep. I wasn't honest in a lot of things about her. I was not strongly attracted to her but I didn't say no either. I think I did feel some pressure and I was trying to convince myself to be more into her funny enough. Thing is I can't force those emotions and I wasn't where she was emotionally. I tried to end things before and be friends but it didn't work.
And maybe I do judge myself harshly also. People do say I take myself very seriously. I do overthink a lot to my own admission and that cripples me. I feel a lot happier in my life now but I want more of course but working on it. Good enough? I think I'm ahead of a lot others but I could be.
Thank you for this. It's really cathartic.
I'm glad you are able to introspect on your break-up.
Perhaps the optimist in you wanted to believe anything is possible, and you were truly hoping the spark and chemistry can grow into something more beautiful than you thought, but her little annoyances kept bothering you and became even much more.. exacerbated to the point of total and complete repulsion?
We all make mistakes. You're only human. I've personally been with someone I wasn't as physically attracted to, because a part of me wants to believe when you love someone you love them despite what they look like but his habits just became a complete turnoff and my rose-colored glasses just split in half right in the middle of my lenses.
Credit yourself for at least trying, and truly putting forth effort in working your relationship out with her. Sometimes the shoe just doesn't fit!
I've seen threads on here about moving on after someone has wronged you and eventually forgiving them. Those aren't uncommon. What about a situation where YOU wronged the person?
I've posted a bit about a girl I was dating for seven months. She was enamored by me...enough to the point to end her relationship with her current boyfriend and pursue me.
Fast forward I have come to terms with many things that I did wrong:
1) I harshly judged her. Her flaws. Her perceived neediness, the fact that I didn't believe she did much outside of her life besides work and going out and drinking. Criticized her for cheating. I may have been OK in making judgements in my observations, but tearing someone to shreds, making them cry, etc. that is something I hate doing to anyone.
2) I did not set a proper expectation of our relationship. She clearly wanted more and wanted to be with me. I had reservations so I delayed things. If these were not met I should have ended it instead of dragging it out so long.
3) I gave mixed signals which hurt her. This goes back to #2. I pretty much turned her into a FWB, but TREATED her like a GF in terms of taking her out, cooking for her, doing things she wanted, but I did not want everyone to know about us, nor did I have interest in publicizing us dating one another. This of course frustrated her because it gave the illusion that I was 'available' to other girls, but I did not actually pursue anyone else during this time.
4) Not being decisive in my decision. Sure of course she may have hated me, but dragging it out like I did for seven months instead of maybe 3-4 would have been more emotionally healthy for her.
She brought out an ugly side of me sometimes. When she would get upset with me I would get hyper defensive. She said I love to argue, which I have before, but this is a relationship in which I retaliated with criticism harshly and deeply hurt someone. Someone that revealed things about her and I perhaps used them against her. This is not the type of person I intended to be nor do I want to for anyone else.
Right now she doesn't want much to do with me now. She says she loves me. I DO care about her, but I do feel that I would be settling with her, despite the fact that in my heart I did want things to work out and I wish I didn't have reservations. The truth of the matter is that I cannot force how I feel and this is almost unrequited love.
I also know that I have had legitimate concerns about being with her and many people have told me to RUN but I still HATE hurting someone.
I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!
I can so identify.
I myself have recently found out this morning that I have contributed to someone else's hurt. We weren't dating or anything. We were just friends. She seemed so enamored with me at first. However, eventually she cooled off a lot. I have compared this with some of my other relationships and then came to the conclusion that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
Honestly, I was somewhat heartbroken and I tried to move on but I couldn't really because something just didn't add up. I saw her earlier this week and I waved at her and she waved back.
She then asked me a question which then caught me off guard. So I hinted to the truth of what I thought, but I didn't really tell her. I am going to be 100% honest with her and tell her what I really felt. I'm going to practically bear my soul to her and hopefully, she can feel better and not feel like I'm holding anything against her. I don't really care if she decides to cut me off from there. But as long as she knows the truth.
If she does, there are others, right?
For me, it is harder to move on when you have wronged someone than when someone wrongs you. Another hard one is when it is just a mess and no one is in the wrong.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
