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I don't have a lot of requirements... it's the opposite. The men are the ones with all the requirements and I just can't keep up with it. For example, they want me to call every night, text several times a day, etc, etc, and a goal to marry or be in a "serious" relationship to put them first above all other things including my child, my job, my family and friends, etc. I just want to date, have fun, and not take it all too serious--at least at first. Doesn't mean I am devoid of wanting an emotional connection. I don't understand why so many men just don't get this... it doesn't have to be full on uber serious relationship or ONS and nothing in-between. It doesn't need to be one extreme or the other... there is a whole gray area in the middle.
And I did message many men first. Most don't reply and I had enough men messaging me first that I didn't need to send out many messages except to the ones I was extremely interested in. But I would guess about a third of the men I started talking to and dating were men I contacted first.
The bold is the truth online. If you decide to go online again, maybe put more focus on the men you are messaging and just message more. Try something different. The ones that are messaging you ignore and focus on doing the dirty work for a bit. Yes, you may not get as many replies, but you're messaging men that you have interest in.
Very much so, but if you're having a hard time finding that grey area, than you have to take charge and switch your game up. Sitting back and letting the messages come to you is putting your fate in someone else's hands. If you aren't liking what you're meeting than change it up.
The bold is the truth online. If you decide to go online again, maybe put more focus on the men you are messaging and just message more. Try something different. The ones that are messaging you ignore and focus on doing the dirty work for a bit. Yes, you may not get as many replies, but you're messaging men that you have interest in.
Very much so, but if you're having a hard time finding that grey area, than you have to take charge and switch your game up. Sitting back and letting the messages come to you is putting your fate in someone else's hands. If you aren't liking what you're meeting than change it up.
Honestly, it didn't make much difference if they messaged me first or I messaged them. The neediest guy (who actually still texts me about missing me) was one I contacted first.
I am done with online dating. DONE. Not only have I never had much luck in meeting a good match, but it just doesn't suit how I become attracted to a man. I really do have to get to know him first, learn that I like him, learn to trust him, then I become attracted and want to date. I just don't have the mentality to date complete strangers it seems and go to "instant very serious relationship" after one, two hour date.
But this is slightly off subject. My theory is that online dating might draw a certain personality type (or many amplify that personality type). From what I can tell, it seems to be both the Anxious and Avoidants. Interestingly, I found a paper (a thesis) on attachment style, gender, and online dating... but when it comes to honestly/lying online. It's long, and I haven't read it all yet. But here's a link: http://scholarworks.umass.edu/cgi/vi...context=theses
Anxious-Avoidant: ...Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. According to studies, only a small percentage of the population qualifies as anxious-avoidant types, and they typically have a multitude of other emotional problems in other areas of their life (i.e., substance abuse, depression, etc.).
But what if they always seem to be in a relationship, and don't go more than a couple of months between them?
But what if they always seem to be in a relationship, and don't go more than a couple of months between them?
I really don't know. The articles I posted seem to indicate that attachment style isn't black and white... that you can have tendencies towards one type and minor tendencies of another. Maybe they are anxious/avoidant with a lot more of the anxious side (anxious ones are the people who can't stand "not" being in a relationship). It's an interesting thing to consider.
Someone posted a book about attachment theory. I think I need to get that book and read it because I really want to learn more about this whole subject. Time for the library!
Honestly, it didn't make much difference if they messaged me first or I messaged them. The neediest guy (who actually still texts me about missing me) was one I contacted first.
I am done with online dating. DONE. Not only have I never had much luck in meeting a good match, but it just doesn't suit how I become attracted to a man. I really do have to get to know him first, learn that I like him, learn to trust him, then I become attracted and want to date. I just don't have the mentality to date complete strangers it seems and go to "instant very serious relationship" after one, two hour date.
But this is slightly off subject. My theory is that online dating might draw a certain personality type (or many amplify that personality type). From what I can tell, it seems to be both the Anxious and Avoidants. Interestingly, I found a paper (a thesis) on attachment style, gender, and online dating... but when it comes to honestly/lying online. It's long, and I haven't read it all yet. But here's a link: http://scholarworks.umass.edu/cgi/vi...context=theses
I can see how online caters to anxious users and avoidants. Options make the person anxious and options make the person avoidant. I actually think there's less people online who are even remotely serious about commitment. There's people who are serious, but keep screwing it up. Then there's the people who can easily get a date week, but are enjoying the amount of options they have.
I can see how online caters to anxious users and avoidants. Options make the person anxious and options make the person avoidant. I actually think there's less people online who are even remotely serious about commitment. There's people who are serious, but keep screwing it up. Then there's the people who can easily get a date week, but are enjoying the amount of options they have.
I am going off subject, but I've asked myself about this. From what I read, most people online are not serious about commitment. So why am I running into these guys? I think it's part of a life stage for these men. Men who seem to want to date me (in their 40s and 50s) are divorced and have kids who are just starting to leave the nest. These men are finding themselves completely alone for the first time in maybe 30 years and on top of that, from what I've seen, their bodies are just starting to fail them (bad knees, bad backs, etc). Maybe they think about growing old and dying alone and it scares them? Just my conjecture really, but it would make sense.
I am going off subject, but I've asked myself about this. From what I read, most people online are not serious about commitment. So why am I running into these guys? I think it's part of a life stage for these men. Men who seem to want to date me (in their 40s and 50s) are divorced and have kids who are just starting to leave the nest. These men are finding themselves completely alone for the first time in maybe 30 years and on top of that, from what I've seen, their bodies are just starting to fail them (bad knees, bad backs, etc). Maybe they think about growing old and dying alone and it scares them? Just my conjecture really, but it would make sense.
I think there are hormonal aspects, too, and psychological aspects. Men's midlife hormonal changes seem to make them more interested in connection -- and they often have crisis of realisation that connection and emotional intimacy are something they have been missing for a long time.
This can be frustrating for women their age, who have been meeting their own emotional needs through friends, etc., all their lives and do not have this big stockpile of emotional need. And who have higher sex drives than the men of the same age. It can end up in a situation where she wants to have sex and he thinks she should accept cuddling as a substitute.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
So what about the types who have trouble being alone or single, who will call four or five times a day, but who are uncomfortable with intimacy and get annoyed when the person they date wants to see them more than once on the weekend?
They want friends, more than lovers. I get frustrated with those guys, too!
And it's quite easy to do as well. You're kinda stuck though if you think the person is interesting, but they just can't meet say in a weeks time. I had a doozy of one around October of last year. We exchanged numbers and would talk on the phone about all kinds of stuff. Some conversations would last two hours. She lived 60 miles from me and we were coordinating schedules around her kids. We planned a date for a Friday night to eat at a restaurant and hear a band play.
I go to confirm the date on Thursday and she says she's feeling under the weather, but hopes to still make the date. Friday comes and I confirm again, because I'd have to make the drive. Hear back nothing. On Sunday I finally hear back from her. I was seeing a guy and he decided to make things official with us and you were such a nice guy, so I didn't know how to tell you.
Now, realistically everything kinda played out par for the course in my head. She didn't text during work, which makes sense, since people don't like to do that during work hours. She would always be around to talk on the phone during the evening hours too. This was about 7-8 days in the making. Probably 5-6 hours total of phone conversations. In the end, sometimes you just don't know what the person's intentions are and you just have to take a leap of faith. I was pretty ticked on that one, because it was one of the rare times that I had been backburnerd by someone. She was already laying out her next date plans if the guy she was talking to didn't work out.
We had exchanged full names so I could search her through FB and they guy really existed. In some ways online dating is just a game to me too. I've had so much more success just trying to see how far something could go with a woman than actually ever taking it serious. To me, that's a sad revelation, but it is what it is.
I was frustrated a lot with dating in general. I don't credit online dating for the struggles and challenges. They will exist regardless of the medium one uses. However, its was definitely less frustrating when I took a more casual "see what's out there, and meet new people" approach than when I was interested in an actual relationship.
There was one guy, a seemingly great match, from my earlier days on OKC. We definitely had a connection. The first time we chatted on there, via IM, lasted five hours, and then it continued a few more times, and also for hours. We Skyped, talked on the phone, messaged each other. I didn't "build" him up, and certainly don't think he was disingenuous or was playing games. The connection was felt on both sides. He reinstated his profile about a month before returning home from overseas (works for govt. contractor -- prior military).
We talked about a date for when he returned home, but the closer it got to that date, I could sense his hesitation. He ended up backing out. Not because he found someone else, was nervous or playing games. I understood his reasons, and they were similar to what I experienced before with a man I dated here and there. I was in an open marriage at the time, and it was something he thought he was okay with, but overtime feelings developed and he realized he couldn't do that situation. He wanted more. He was looking for something serious. I didn't harbor any hard feelings for him, because I was aware of the risks and knew my situation wouldn't work for everyone, and it's difficult to know what will work for someone until they've really explored it. We kept it touch here and there, but kept his distance for fear of getting too close. Later, after he realized my marriage ended, he expressed regret for not taking it further. I was the "one that got away." He's married now. He got married while stationed overseas.
I did date a guy a couple months before that who also backed out due to the same situation. Funnily, it seemed like there were more men interested in a serious relationship when I wasn't "available" than when I was. But I realize there are a lot of factors and variables as well. The culture and dating scene were different in Atlanta than in So Cal. In Atlanta there were more men interested in relationships, whereas in So Cal, the dating culture and scene were much, much different, and I didn't like it.
Before my husband, the connections that turned into actual relationships involved men who were in a situation like myself. They were separated. And those who tended to be okay with that were often non-religious and very progressive, and there were less of this demographic in So Cal than in Atlanta, surprisingly.
I was in an open marriage at the time...Funnily, it seemed like there were more men interested in a serious relationship when I wasn't "available" than when I was. But I realize there are a lot of factors and variables as well. The culture and dating scene were different in Atlanta than in So Cal. In Atlanta there were more men interested in relationships, whereas in So Cal, the dating culture and scene were much, much different, and I didn't like it.
Before my husband, the connections that turned into actual relationships involved men who were in a situation like myself. They were separated. And those who tended to be okay with that were often non-religious and very progressive, and there were less of this demographic in So Cal than in Atlanta, surprisingly.
I have a poly friend who says she prefers to date people who are married because the 'old married couple' type of relationship is what she likes, and the fact that they are doing it shows that they like it, too.
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