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I'm very new here and am not quite sure if I will get a response at all. I'm originally from New Orleans and have moved around quite a bit because my husband was in the Army. Shortly after he got out, he accepted a job in Pennsylvania where we moved. He is originally from here, graduated here, his family is here, etc. It's been 7 years and to me, it still doesn't feel like home. My family are all down South. I have expressed my sadness and unhappiness to him a few times and suggested that we look at possibilities elsewhere. Each time I bring this up, we end up in a huge fight.
Last night, he flat out told me no. We're not moving, he's staying here, his career is very important to him. He also says that if I am that unhappy, I know where the door is.
Has anyone else been through this? If so, how did you handle it?
Ok, well first off, I want to welcome you to CD.
Second, leave.
A-rod obviously doesn't appreciate you and is oblivious to your needs. Go!
Even if its for a month....let him see what he lost.
I'm very new here and am not quite sure if I will get a response at all. I'm originally from New Orleans and have moved around quite a bit because my husband was in the Army. Shortly after he got out, he accepted a job in Pennsylvania where we moved. He is originally from here, graduated here, his family is here, etc. It's been 7 years and to me, it still doesn't feel like home. My family are all down South. I have expressed my sadness and unhappiness to him a few times and suggested that we look at possibilities elsewhere. Each time I bring this up, we end up in a huge fight.
I think, when couples are from different geographic areas of the country, where to plant roots is hugely significant. How many years was he in the Army? The full 20? You sacrificed greatly for his Army career, and now he will not even consider this compromise, even after all the years you put in as an Army wife then 7 more years in PA.
Plus, having New Orleans or southern roots is different than anywhere else in the country, I think (having lived in NOLA for years, and also being a native of your home state). There is something about family ties to that area that is very powerful.
I definitely agree that when you sign on as a military spouse, in doing so, you make the agreement to put your own needs and wants secondary to the needs of the government. When that commitment is over, it should be a time where the situation is revisited and evaluated, and consideration is given to the reality that the spouse typically sacrifices quite a bit, including career stability, for the sake of the military member's career and the needs of the military.
If the former military spouse is still saying, "Hey, your needs and wants STILL do not get consideration, even though we're no longer a military family, and if you don't like it, here's the door," that says a LOT. And not in a good way.
Plus, having New Orleans or southern roots is different than anywhere else in the country, I think (having lived in NOLA for years, and also being a native of your home state). There is something about family ties to that area that is very powerful.
This is BS, IMO. Ties to your roots are no stronger in one state or region versus another. The strength of those bonds is entirely unique to the given family in question. Pick any region of the country, and you will find people who will tell you they are there "for life," have tremendous regional pride, etc. Sixth generation farmers in the midwest, people who are diehard northeasterners, people who's world revolves around being Dixie, NYers for life, etc. My entire maternal side is southerners, and they are attached to being southerners. But no moreso than any given number of other people have also wrapped their identity around being from Chicago, being from NYC, etc.
Ugh I'm in the same boat, but we're not married and no kids are involved. We moved to a small town (7,500 people) last year and I'm from Las Vegas. My family and friends are there (I grew up there). I don't know anyone here except coworkers and his friends (he has lived here before). I am moving back in 3 months, but I know that's the end of our relationship, so I'm devastated at the same time. He will not compromise whatsoever. He says he will never leave. I knew what I was getting into, but at the time I was only wanting to make him happy and forgetting about my happiness. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
We don't know how nasty their fights were and what she said to him before that.
But if I would have a spouse that constantly nags and puts everything down that has to do with the area we live in - which happens to be my hometown - I might end up saying the same in an argument.
First off, I didn't nag. I believe that couples should be able to communicate about everything that's on their mind without fear of having a massive fight each time. I brought this up only twice since we've lived here. I wasn't putting down the area either. I'm a city girl - this, where we are now is a very very small town. Just not for me. Again, I was a military wife and have moved quite a bit - without any complaints. I've been through deployments where I was left behind a year at a time. I don't want to divorce him. I love our family. All I wanted was to see if there might be a possibility that we all could move perhaps somewhere in between or in closer proximity to my family too. Traveling between Pennsylvania and New Orleans can get quite expensive.
First off, I didn't nag. I believe that couples should be able to communicate about everything that's on their mind without fear of having a massive fight each time. I brought this up only twice since we've lived here. I wasn't putting down the area either. I'm a city girl - this, where we are now is a very very small town. Just not for me. Again, I was a military wife and have moved quite a bit - without any complaints. I've been through deployments where I was left behind a year at a time. I don't want to divorce him. I love our family. All I wanted was to see if there might be a possibility that we all could move perhaps somewhere in between or in closer proximity to my family too. Traveling between Pennsylvania and New Orleans can get quite expensive.
Based on this additional information it would appear your husband is being irrational and defiant, traits that are damaging in a marriage. If you can't find a way to have him truly listen to what you're saying and at least consider your perspective (and feelings), your marriage will only continue to suffer and you'll be victimized by his behavior.
I struggle almost daily to remind myself to listen when my wife is talking, and I mean truly listen, so that I can figure out if it's just a story that she's sharing, expressing some sort of emotion or problem or trying to send me a message. Women and men communicate so differently and it's possible what he's reacting to is more about what he perceives as a challenge to his role as head of the family and less about your wanting to at least talk about relocating.
Again, it's why I suggested earlier that your only hope is counseling because you clearly need to be able to establish an open and honest dialogue with him, and that doesn't appear likely otherwise.
You all are a pretty tough crowd, judging this guy off of a single sentence, surely said in the heat of an argument. Of course, we'll never hear his side of it, but he has a career that is very important to him. OP said she can work from home. I think that decision there weighs heavily in the husbands favor.
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