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First and foremost, I learned a long time ago never to say anything to my wife, even in the throws of a super-charged emotional fight, that I wasn't fully prepared to backup. If I ever told my wife that "she knows where the door is" I would also expect that she'd use it as a result.
There's just not enough of the back story on this to fully understand why this has grown so contentious. But I do know that it will not resolve itself and that the best course of action is to seek counseling. Because unless a couple can establish a meaningful dialogue about any issue affecting either or both of them, they're doomed.
The finality of this statement is staggering. I can't imagine saying this to anyone I didn't intend to divorce eventually. The fact you aren't considering that just shows the dynamic between you two. You probably let him take the lead in everything and you are probably okay with that for the most part. You should give marriage counseling a try because even if you gave up on this relationship, your next one will most likely exhibit the same dynamic.
Some of the filipino ladies I have met in Manila & Subic Bay, are pretty feisty.....
And he can't even give you, his wife and the mother of his children, the courtesy of hearing you out and considering that your family may be just as important to you as his is to him.
I would agree with Strawberrykiki about taking summers away to be near your family, but given your husband's apparent selfishness and self-centeredness, I think that would be a recipe for him to justify cheating on you if that's what he wanted to do. It would be all your fault for "abandoning" him.
Honestly? In your shoes I would not let him shut me down or shut me up. I would go out to dinner with him, just you and him, and talk about it calmly. Go someplace where you can have a booth for some privacy, but still public to minimize the chances of him blustering and causing a scene.
Of course, if he's a total douchecanoe, he might carry on in public like a two-year-old, in which case, I'd quietly tell him that his behavior is alienating to me and causing damage to the marriage that may not be fixable. If he hands you that business about the door again, I'd say, "Okay," and not one word more. I'd lay low, hire an attorney, and nail his balls to the wall in the biggest surprise of his life.
I can't stand that kind of self-absorption and lack of consideration between partners. Doesn't matter who does it, man or woman. It's the mark of an ahole.
I agree that the OP should try and talk to her husband in a public, semi-private place. I also agree that they should try counseling. Based on the limited information we have the OP's husband sounds very self-absorbed and like a poor communicator that is easily frustrated.
Personally, I think like is too short to live somewhere that makes you unhappy. I would try and spend extended time with my family, if that is a possibility. I would also really weigh if it is this location or something more that is causing you to feel so unhappy. Maybe seeing your husband's family so often is exaggerating how much you miss your family or something and you can address that by having extended trips to see them. Maybe now. Maybe your marriage in general is not doing well. Whatever it is, be sure that moving is what would help before you do it.
Seems to me your are putting your husband second to your "family". You and your husband should be your family. You can always go and visit your mom/dad/brothers/sisters, whatever you are calling your family.
Im sure this ultimatum has come from a long series of conversations and arguments. Is he the main breadwinner in the family? Do you work? Have a career?
Prior to his getting out of the military, had you ever discussed where you would settle?
I'm a military spouse as well, and we discussed at length before getting married where we envisioned ultimately ending up. It seems like if it was important to you to settle near family, and it WASN'T important to him to settle near your family, that would have been a good thing to be aware of much earlier on.
Seems to me your are putting your husband second to your "family". You and your husband should be your family. You can always go and visit your mom/dad/brothers/sisters, whatever you are calling your family.
He could also go and visit his family too instead of living so close to his hometown. She put her husband and his career first for a long time. He should at least be willing to have a conversation and look into options. He doesn't seem to care that she is not happy where they are at...she's not asking to move somewhere that he will be unhappy, she's asking to have a simple conversation about other options.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday
Im sure this ultimatum has come from a long series of conversations and arguments. Is he the main breadwinner in the family? Do you work? Have a career?
She has already answered those questions. See below
Quote:
Originally Posted by armywife18643
I am a graphic designer and i work independently from home - during the times that we've stayed put long enough for me to work full time, i worked as an executive assistant. so my job is pretty much flexible.
Look, I was recently in a similar situation. I'm not in the Military, but my wife is from another state. She came to live with me and we eventually got married. She wanted to move back home, I said no. I can't leave my job, my resources, my everything. She flat-out told me "I hate it here, I want to go home." And go home she did! I will always love her, but as they say, "When you love something, set it free." I just can't risk losing what little I've got to move someplace that I don't want to live!
We don't know how nasty their fights were and what she said to him before that.
But if I would have a spouse that constantly nags and puts everything down that has to do with the area we live in - which happens to be my hometown - I might end up saying the same in an argument.
If my wife said to me she felt alone and isolated and lonely, I would have a conversation and engage in some compromise, not tell her to hit the road and there's the door.
I'm very new here and am not quite sure if I will get a response at all. I'm originally from New Orleans and have moved around quite a bit because my husband was in the Army. Shortly after he got out, he accepted a job in Pennsylvania where we moved. He is originally from here, graduated here, his family is here, etc. It's been 7 years and to me, it still doesn't feel like home. My family are all down South. I have expressed my sadness and unhappiness to him a few times and suggested that we look at possibilities elsewhere. Each time I bring this up, we end up in a huge fight.
Last night, he flat out told me no. We're not moving, he's staying here, his career is very important to him. He also says that if I am that unhappy, I know where the door is.
Has anyone else been through this? If so, how did you handle it?
Yikes.
This is really sad, but at least now you know you are not a priority for him.
You have a tough choice to make here...
either you decide you love him enough to stay with him no matter where he chooses to live, or how little of a priority you are to him
OR
You prepare yourself to be divorced. (which would involve some counseling before you actually walk out).
Best of luck honey, I'm so sorry.
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