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Last night, he flat out told me no. We're not moving, he's staying here, his career is very important to him. He also says that if I am that unhappy, I know where the door is.
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Originally Posted by armywife18643
I am not sacrificing his time put in, I don't want to just pack up and go. I want to explore options, weigh the pros and cons and go from there. If he works for another government agency, they will continue his time served. e.g. he's only worked for this company for 7 years but has put in 15 in the army, so on paper - he has served 23 years but i always get shut down. it's a plain NO every single time. he even mentioned "sure we'll move, then i will tell you how miserable i am and see how you feel". i thought it was a bit childish and it pissed me off. :/
It sounds like you have bigger problems than just wanting to move. This man sounds like he's never matured past his teenage years, either that or he never learned how to communicate. I don't think what you are asking (to explore possibilities) is all that unreasonable, however his response is very immature.
The communication needs to be fixed, whether you both read self-help books or see a counselor...it needs to be addressed. You can't even have a discussion about moving because he can't sit down and have a conversation about it without getting defensive and childish.
It sounds like you have bigger problems than just wanting to move. This man sounds like he's never matured past his teenage years, either that or he never learned how to communicate. I don't think what you are asking (to explore possibilities) is all that unreasonable, however his response is very immature.
The communication needs to be fixed, whether you both read self-help books or see a counselor...it needs to be addressed. You can't even have a discussion about moving because he can't sit down and have a conversation about it without getting defensive and childish.
I agree. There are bigger problems in this marriage.
But regarding the statement "there is the door" it might have slipped after a long argument, we don't know that.
He also says that if I am that unhappy, I know where the door is.
The finality of this statement is staggering. I can't imagine saying this to anyone I didn't intend to divorce eventually. The fact you aren't considering that just shows the dynamic between you two. You probably let him take the lead in everything and you are probably okay with that for the most part. You should give marriage counseling a try because even if you gave up on this relationship, your next one will most likely exhibit the same dynamic.
I understand he likes where you live and he likes being close to his family, but his attitude about this sucks. To just say no and tell you to leave if you have a problem with it...wow, that is not cool at all.
Maybe you could spend summers in the south with your family if you're able to work from anywhere, so at least your kids could get to spend some QT w/ your family. I agree that there are bigger problems here than where you live. Communication and compromise is so important. It can't be all one sided in a healthy relationship.
Maybe you could spend summers in the south with your family if you're able to work from anywhere, so at least your kids could get to spend some QT w/ your family.
This is what I was going to suggest. Can you travel more to visit your family? Maybe set up an office down there so that you can work out of it while you're visiting.
Is your husband so mean all the time? Maybe you can travel to see your family more. I think that could be a good idea. Or maybe ask to move somewhere between your families.
I'm very new here and am not quite sure if I will get a response at all. I'm originally from New Orleans and have moved around quite a bit because my husband was in the Army. Shortly after he got out, he accepted a job in Pennsylvania where we moved. He is originally from here, graduated here, his family is here, etc. It's been 7 years and to me, it still doesn't feel like home. My family are all down South. I have expressed my sadness and unhappiness to him a few times and suggested that we look at possibilities elsewhere. Each time I bring this up, we end up in a huge fight.
Last night, he flat out told me no. We're not moving, he's staying here, his career is very important to him. He also says that if I am that unhappy, I know where the door is.
Has anyone else been through this? If so, how did you handle it?
We don't know how nasty their fights were and what she said to him before that.
But if I would have a spouse that constantly nags and puts everything down that has to do with the area we live in - which happens to be my hometown - I might end up saying the same in an argument.
I've moved several times, I just want to be heard and look at options.
And he can't even give you, his wife and the mother of his children, the courtesy of hearing you out and considering that your family may be just as important to you as his is to him.
I would agree with Strawberrykiki about taking summers away to be near your family, but given your husband's apparent selfishness and self-centeredness, I think that would be a recipe for him to justify cheating on you if that's what he wanted to do. It would be all your fault for "abandoning" him.
Honestly? In your shoes I would not let him shut me down or shut me up. I would go out to dinner with him, just you and him, and talk about it calmly. Go someplace where you can have a booth for some privacy, but still public to minimize the chances of him blustering and causing a scene.
Of course, if he's a total douchecanoe, he might carry on in public like a two-year-old, in which case, I'd quietly tell him that his behavior is alienating to me and causing damage to the marriage that may not be fixable. If he hands you that business about the door again, I'd say, "Okay," and not one word more. I'd lay low, hire an attorney, and nail his balls to the wall in the biggest surprise of his life.
I can't stand that kind of self-absorption and lack of consideration between partners. Doesn't matter who does it, man or woman. It's the mark of an ahole.
We don't know how nasty their fights were and what she said to him before that.
But if I would have a spouse that constantly nags and puts everything down that has to do with the area we live in - which happens to be my hometown - I might end up saying the same in an argument.
Something tells me that you would be a better spouse than to refuse to consider that both of you should be happy where you live, even if that means finding a new, neutral place where neither one of you has any pre-attachments, but where you could both work and enjoy life. It's a big country. Pennsylvania is not the only place he can work, and it would be better for neither of them to be in a hometown or near their families than to have this power struggle where one clearly wins and the other clearly loses. Man leave his mother, woman leave her home, cling unto the other, etc.
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