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Like over 70% of all of us? Yes, of course its a hot button. And yes, I have my own. But, I also understand the problem that someone who doesn't know-can't know.
Its good that you are outspoken, not everyone is, there are thousands of men and women who are triggered by reading this, and feeling good that you defended the position of it being WRONG.
I know its wrong too, and I have - believe me, I have run the gauntlet for defending those in my life who have experienced it, myself included.
So is it more harmful for a girl to be raped by her uncle, or a boy to be repeatedly beaten by his father.
Both are abuse. Both are physical. Both have long lasting traumatic effects on the childs brain and growing into adulthood.
But is one worse then the other? Not in my opinion.
I am not standing on a soap box, and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. My point is, almost every human being on the planet has traumatic events in their childhood. Most people cope with this and move on, some don't. The type of abuse has little to do with the outcome of the adult coping and moving on, or whether or not they live in a world of fear and hate that they were put in by someone else for the rest of their lives.
A boy will get old enough where he can put the ass beating on his dad, it happens all the time. Rape is a little different. Although both are traumatizing, I know guys who got beat when they were kids, but when they got to be around 13-14, they stopped that, and put a whipping to their dads. They didn't have to go through therapy, to overcome that trauma, whereas someone who gets raped, usually does.
Sorry OP to have changed the direction of your thread!
The good news is that many men and women who suffer from sexual abuse overcome it and become more empathetic and sympathetic. Lots of teachers I know have gone through it, and they can be very compassionate and protective of others.
This is a personal question, but were you abused sexually? If not, please don't speak for the victims. If so, I feel your pain.
My sister was sexually abused, I was physically abused by my father.
Where hers lasted for just over a year, mine went on for a decade while my adolescent father grew into a man. It was normal to go to school with belt marks from my neck to my ankles.
We both agree, our parents did a number on both of us, but neither of us see one as being worse then the other.
Now my sister and I are close, so maybe I have more knowledge then most do with her. But she has made a wonderful life for herself, has three children, and lives with a great guy, hard for me to say as a brother.
People respond to trauma in different ways. It's great that your sisters life turned out so well. Someone like Chaz Bono, not so much
People respond to trauma in different ways. It's great that your sisters life turned out so well. Someone like Chaz Bono, not so much
And the slightest difference can cause totally disparate reactions.
There were twin girls (possibly identical) who were caught up in that Nigerian mall shooting a year or two ago. They were 9. They were both able to find cover, but one girl was shielded from seeing anything and only heard what happened. The other girl saw what went down as well as hearing it. They were literally touching each other the entire time, so it was almost the exact same experience except for this one difference.
The girl who saw and heard everything was having a much more difficult time recovering and dealing with PTSD than the twin who merely heard everything. Their recovery was worlds apart.
As for Chaz Bono, well, he can't really be used as the control for anything. He was dealing with transgender issues on top of everything else, and that can be very traumatizing in and of itself. Trust me, sexual abuse did not make him want to become a man. That was an entirely separate issued, and if he was sexually abused, it was likely because his uncertainty and insecurities made him vulnerable to a molester - they are generally sociopaths who can sense turmoil in others. That's why so many gay kids get molested - it's not what made them gay, but the molesters in all likelihood picked up on their inner turmoil - probably didn't even know what it was, just knew there was a lot of confusion they could exploit.
As for Chaz Bono, well, he can't really be used as the control for anything. He was dealing with transgender issues on top of everything else, and that can be very traumatizing in and of itself. Trust me, sexual abuse did not make him want to become a man. That was an entirely separate issued, and if he was sexually abused, it was likely because his uncertainty and insecurities made him vulnerable to a molester - they are generally sociopaths who can sense turmoil in others. That's why so many gay kids get molested - it's not what made them gay, but the molesters in all likelihood picked up on their inner turmoil - probably didn't even know what it was, just knew there was a lot of confusion they could exploit.
Considering she came out as Lesbian and then decided later on she was a man I imagine she really wouldn't absolutely know what the effect of continous molestation at a young age by a woman had on her.
Saying that sexual abuse 'in all cases' would not have an affect on who you are comfortable with, and affect your choice in future mates is not practical. Even society and in our case the media has a major affect on finding the female form more sexually attractive than the male form. It is what is sold in the media and it affects who we are attracted to.
I've started dating a lovely woman, now in her 30s, who was sexually abused between ages of 8-11. There was no intercourse, but the abuse lasted several years. Since that time, the abuser has been found guilty by the courts, there has been no contact between the abuser and my girlfriend for over ten years, and she has been in therapy for many years, still going to this day. We have not spoken in great detail about the incidents, but she confided in telling me about her past and I mostly listened. Based on my emotional and physical connection with her (we are sexually active), she seems to have recovered and all seems normal as far as I can tell, but I still have these questions:
1. How can I tell if she is recovered -- by this I mean, able to have a "normal" life and be a good wife and mother?
2. How does abuse that happened 20 years ago affect a woman in a relationship, and what can I expect for the long-term future? What sorts of complications may surface looking ahead?
3. What questions should I be asking her about the abuse, its affect on her, and her ability to be in a relationship?
4. If you were in my shoes, just starting out a relationship, would you continue or get out? I know it's tough to say with such limited information. I'm at a point where I'd like to continue, but can also get out early and cause less harm to both of us.
Thank you for your input, I look forward to hearing from you all.
I know this sounds like a bad analogy, but you know how when you love a pet and a pet loves you unconditionally, it doesn't judge you and just accepts you the way you are without thinking too much or... what's the word?...... over-prescribe.. pigeon hole.. label you.. that's where a lot of people can misunderstand adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
They're just as human and similar to everyone else, in that they do have needs.
1 in 3 women in the U.S. are survivors of childhood sexual abuse/molestation.
How to tell if she fully recovered? When people endure trauma, I don't think there's a definitive answer for that. Just like anything in life. Some days are good. Some days so-so. Two steps forward, one step back. How does this make her any worse or better as a parent? If anything, she's probably a lot more attuned and sensitively aware to the needs of the child should you both choose to have kids so it's not like she's demented or a freak of nature. She seems pretty self-aware.
Treat her like you would treat anyone you love, cherish, and adore. There may be times where she may feel a trigger from something that reminds her of her trauma, but that's something she will have to work on and you are there for support. That's all she really needs. She probably doesn't want you to fix her problems. Just being understood is good enough.
If I were you I would tread very lightly with this relationship. It is unlikely she will ever recover, and many times abuse leaves a woman never trusting a man again. You may find that she looses interest in sex if you eventually marry. You may also find that she treats you in such a way that she will make sure you can never affect her like her abuser did. Then again, you might not experience any of these things, but I would really be careful about planning a long trouble free life together. Hope I an way off base, it would be smart on your part if you would discuss this with a professional.
I thought the title implied "survived" not victim to.
And, not all survivors have low libido or none whatsoever.
Stereotypes. Again. The Internet never ceases to amaze me.
It'd be useful if people knew what empathy really means.
What a waste.
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... over-prescribe.. pigeon hole.. label you.. that's where a lot of people can misunderstand adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. 
