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What I mean by that is, I don't understand how men can physically be with a women after sharing a sexual experience and have no emotional attachment.
I was seeing this guy for about 4 weeks. I'm 21, he's 23. On our first date, we were both very attracted to each other. We made out a lot and he was basically all over me. We were alone at the beach at sunset, it was nice. Lots of looking at each other, hand holding, kissing, face touching. That kind of stuff. I thought I really felt that spark.
Second date: We were at his house watching a movie and things got a little out of hand. We went too far, which I regret. We didn't have sex, but everything else. Still, I felt really connected to him emotionally and thought he was actually interested. He came onto me, and we honestly had fun.
Third date: Went out to dinner and hooked up in my car. Still pretty intimate at this point too, I was even more into him at this point than before. I told him that I was a virgin because he wanted to have sex and I didn't want to yet.
We hung out once more and then he left for a vacation and didn't contact me the entire time. He broke it off when he got back. I felt like we had a good start to something. He ultimately said that he didn't "feel the same way" about me. As if he couldn't of just said this from the start? I just don't understand how I thought we were both on the same page when we clearly weren't. I was developing a lot of feelings and interest in him and he slowly backed off and I don't know what happened. I can't be physically with a guy that I don't feel emotional with so I guess I'm having a hard time understanding.
What makes a guy become emotionally attached to someone? I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong. Any advice?
The only thing you did "wrong" was being a virgin and expecting him to respect the pace you wanted to set. "Attraction" isn't love or caring. It's hormones. Caring about someone usually takes time to build, it's not instantaneous, just because you're attracted to someone. Or maybe it is in some cases (giving him the benefit of the doubt), but he was operating on a completely different schedule than you.
The only thing you did "wrong" was being a virgin and expecting him to respect the pace you wanted to set. "Attraction" isn't love or caring. It's hormones. Caring about someone usually takes time to build, it's not instantaneous, just because you're attracted to someone. Or maybe it is in some cases (giving him the benefit of the doubt), but he was operating on a completely different schedule than you.
Pretty much this.
This kind of thing happens all the time. You can't really have high expectations when it comes to things like that, because when it ends it stings a lot more. Especially with guys around our age.
Like Ruth said, attraction and love are two very different and takes a while build. Just continue doing what you're doing with your life, take this as a lesson, and you will eventually forget about him.
He never was into you emotionally but felt he could be sexually.
When you brought up the 'V' word then his goal was shattered. Kind of like a dead end road.
Guys are into physical and visual. Women are more of the emotional connectors.
Your question is answered by not allowing the physical to happen so quickly. If he likes you more than just a roll in the hay then he will invest time in getting to know you as a person over coffee.
My advice is to meet in public places where intimacy would be difficult. Being alone leads to things other than good conversation.
The first thing you need to know is that men are the same as women, when it comes to sex and intimacy. Like women, some men can't be sexual without developing feelings, and some can.
If you start thinking men are all one way and women are all the other way, it will get you into trouble.
As far as this guy -- are you really a virgin? From the way you wrote it, I wasn't sure if you are, or if you just pretended to be to slow things down. A lot of people (men and women) are scared of virgins. They figure that a person's first sexual experience is a big deal, and a big commitment. Not necessarily marriage, but certainly not just 'seeing how things go'.
If that is what you want, then cool -- you screened him out, and that is a good thing, because he did not want the same thing. But if you are open to just seeing how things go, then it is better not to mention the virgin thing (even if you are a virgin). Just be sure to do some stretching first, with a toy, so there is no pain.
I felt like we had a good start to something. He ultimately said that he didn't "feel the same way" about me. As if he couldn't of just said this from the start?
Why didn't you say from the start you were a virgin who's looking for more than a sexual relationship?
"Attraction" isn't love or caring. It's hormones. Caring about someone usually takes time to build...
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann
He never was into you emotionally but felt he could be sexually.
When you brought up the 'V' word then his goal was shattered. Kind of like a dead end road.
...
There does seem to be overwhelming evidence that women crave an emotional rapport first, and then sex becomes desirable; men are the reverse, craving sexual contact, upon which emotional bonding is contingent. I don't think that this trend is as universal as is generally surmised, but the present thread fits this rubric. Perhaps the trend is more prevalent early in life.
If the OP feels that her erstwhile male companion is lost to her, or nearly lost, or is otherwise of questionable worth, this is excellent occasion to be entirely forthright with him. With nothing to lose, why not state outright, that the OP does feel an attraction but is unable to continue sexually too soon and too aggressively, that barriers of decorum between men and women are present for a reason. If her male friend is willing to temper his urges and to revise his priorities, she would be happy to deepen their acquaintance. But if so doing would strike him as misallocation of his resources, then it's best to part company.
As for the original question - "how can men fake intimacy" - well, they're not faking anything. That the sexual desire is real, does not imply that it represents the totality of their feelings, or that there is no emotional connection at all. I would opine that the difference between the OP and her friend has less to do with gender than with experience, expectations and personal values.
Why didn't you say from the start you were a virgin who's looking for more than a sexual relationship?
I should of made it more clear but he was also manipulative. The second time I saw him he told me he was a "relationship guy" who jumps from relationship to relationship. So I was assuming that he was seeing me to figure out if we could be a compatible couple. We went on real dates and stuff, you know? But then just like that, he wasn't interested in a relationship anymore and had to focus on work. It's like he did a complete 180.
He never was into you emotionally but felt he could be sexually.
When you brought up the 'V' word then his goal was shattered. Kind of like a dead end road.
Guys are into physical and visual. Women are more of the emotional connectors.
Your question is answered by not allowing the physical to happen so quickly. If he likes you more than just a roll in the hay then he will invest time in getting to know you as a person over coffee.
My advice is to meet in public places where intimacy would be difficult. Being alone leads to things other than good conversation.
But what does "never into you emotionally" mean for a man? I felt like I was honestly just being my wonderful self and I don't understand how he couldn't see past just my physical appearance. It's really stumping me, especially because his behavior when we were together was generally happy. I feel like the whole thing was real on my part and fake on his. His last girlfriend cheated on him. How can he see something in her but look past someone with great character?
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