Been single too long. I have questions (marriages, guys, sex)
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No. The bolded is not at all common. It's kind of edging towards the lunatic spectrum. It's good that you opened up about this, but now you need to take it seriously, not brush it off. Taking that first step to seek out competent counseling can be hard, but once you're into it, you'll be glad you pushed yourself to take the step. Consider it an investment in your future happiness. What you describe isn't a happy camper. Life can get better. Give yourself a shot at that.
LOL I hear what you are saying but I didn't mean for it to come off as a lunatic. I just have a vivid/animated imagination. I'm not crazy I promise. I shouldn't have been so creative with that statement. Sorry guys/gals
Show'em the M3. 60% of the time that works every time.
LOL as much as I wish it works, it doesn't. Girls(most, not all) in my age range don't care about that kind of stuff. They only really care about social status, who you know, etc...
I will be straight up and as honest as possible so I can get honest replies back.
Okay, so I was in a longer relationship(5-6 years) from about 16 to 21. I cared about her ALOT. She dumped me one day(her friend was pushing her to do it). I will be a man and admit, I could have been a better boyfriend, but she also could have been a better girlfriend. ANYWAY, fast foward to 6 years later and I just turned 27 last month. It took me a while to get over her but I think that was normal. So, now that I am pretty much over it(not much residue left), I have been looking for a potential GF for a while now. Im talking about 3 solid years. I have changed A LOT about myself since I have been single for my own good and no one elses. Becoming single at that moment was a very good thing for me. It forced me to learn who I am. When you are single for 6 years, you have a lot of "me" time. To speed this up, I have tried for phone numbers(been shot down), acquired female buddies(2) and have been scrutinized for even trying. All in all, I have had bad experiences in the dating world. And I would like to add that I am NOT desperate. I personally know 2 girls right now that would date me at a moments notice, I just don't want to waste their time and my time when I know that im not really interested in them. Im a decent looking guy, 5'10 160 lbs and I am athletic(im a cyclist). I dress a little like a skater(won't change this really, I like the way I dress). I have a great job(process controls), and I am trying to finish out school also, if my work hours will let me(I work a TON. I like money). I drive an M3 because im a car guy(I own/built 2 other cars also).
I have somewhat given up hope on finding a girl. I keep reading "once you stop caring, she will come along". Thats B.S. because I have kind of stopped caring for a little while now and no one has come.There are not women at my job so thats out of the question. There are only 2 people that work there, me and the owner. LOL. Because of my lifestyle, I also dont have many friends. MAYBE 3. I wouldnt consider myself to be a TOTAL nice guy although I somewhat am(I have done my fair share of rudeness and not on purpose).
My questions are:
What do women beteween 24 and 35 want? Seems like they fish for the "bottom of the barrel" type(im not saying im perfect) but they want a decent guy that has a future. Im confused.
How many of you have been single for 6+ years and somehow got out of it?
For the people that have been single for a long time, how do you stop caring about being single and accept the fact that you might be alone the rest of your life?
How do you stay positive if people around you are constantly sucking face(kissing, PDA,etc.) with the other gender?
I really want to know peoples thoughts are on the 3rd question because I think thats were I am headed unfortunately. I want to stop caring.
Be easy on the responses(that goes for both guys and girls) and give me useful information. Thanks a bunch.
I'm in the same boat as you and have been single for a longtime. What did I do between the times of being single and not having a girlfriend? Try to do a massive self improving. Finish college and earn a BA, stay out of legal trouble, try and be healthy and loose weight, do some traveling here and their, enjoy hanging out with friends, date different types of women and see what floats my boat as well as experimenting with them, try and improve/build finances, try to expand career and do networking, find interesting hobbies to pass the time along.
I ask myself why don't these women initially date or enter relationships with nice/decent guys instead prefer badboy and physically attractive men? Some years ago I realized that average woman, even the fattest even ugliest women do not like nice/decent guys who make great provider in the longrun, but instead pursue men that keep them on their toes, and offers a thrill and challenge. Some of these guys don't offer anything besides emotional bliss for your average woman until she becomes jaded. At a bar, me and my buddies spoke to a lady friend and she said why she don't date decent guys? She said decent guys, are average, anything average is also boring. She knows she is never going to get married and be a single mom forever, but she wont date a decent guy. So having good qualities and so forth may not help you land a woman. My point is that you really cant be in the middle. Some women either fish at the top or fish at the bottom. Hopefully all the fish at the top has been taken, or women who fish at the bottom get tired of eating the same fish all the time. I noticed that I have to deviate to one of these atmospheres, or let time play out and go for a jaded career educated woman, or go for a single mom with baggage. Maybe the man in the middle might get lucky. But again being nice, decent, average will scare away women or put you in the friendzone.
I know as a guy we fear being lonely, I think we fear being lonely than lets say most women do. I try my very best to make acquaintances and expand friendships and that does not include facebook. Being single sucks, btu then again it could be much worse, most men that I know of and in my age bracket in my area all get taken to court for child support and men end up going to jail or having their finances ruined
Did the things that I do help me land a girlfriend and get out of being single? No, but its just away for me to improve my character and stature amongst society and peers, also plenty of women do not care about what you do or did, unless if she likes you or is a go getter. Between now and when I was last in a relationship, I just did the very best to enjoy myself with family, friends, coworkers and occasional women here there. Now that I'm no longer in my twenties my priorities has changed as well as my outlook on life and women. As long as I enjoy life with people, friends and family I truly don't have to worry about being lonely. But a Wiseman has once told me, that if you don't have a woman a man is really nothing!
Im not the total package. I have flaws like everyone else. I'm trying to figure out what they are so I can get as close to perfect as possible (I'm kidding about "perfect"). I just don't understand how someone can have flaws but still find/be with someone, when everyone is making it seem like you gave to be flawless to find someone. Or for someone that you like to feel mutual about you. I will NEVER be perfect and it seems like because of that, I am doomed to be alone till death. Right now, I am trying to figure out how to be OK with that possible fact.
i am no where near the "perfect" man. in fact most women would avoid me if they went on looks alone. but i do my damnedest to make women feel special when they are around me. i try to make them laugh and feel comfortable around me. when i complement them, i dont use the same complements other guys use, i refuse to tell them how "pretty" they are. instead i tell them how lovely their hair is, or how captivating their eyes are. for instance one girl i was flirting with i asked her, "if i said your hair was incredible, would you hold it against me?" she was thrilled about that. another girl i was flirting with, and had actually gotten a hug from, i told her that i loved hugging her, it felt wonderful.
forget about your imperfections, forget about your looks, in fact forget about yourself altogether, and think about her, and what she wants, and what makes her happy. and do be sincere, otherwise you come off as a fake and women the women will rightfully shy away from you.
You strike me as a very emotionally unhealthy person, OP...
Your desire to become as "perfect" as possible is a strong sign of that. Perfectionism is unhealthy, and yes it is a turnoff to many women and men. It leads to unnecessary stress. It can actually hurt you in your pursuits in whatever you want...personal and professional. I think you are way too hard on yourself. Everybody has shortcomings. Everybody stumbles and makes lots of little mistakes and the occasional big f***up. Who cares. Our so-called "flaws" are part of what makes us human, and a big part of what makes us unique individuals. IMO, a HUGE aspect of self-confidence is being able to let it go when something doesn't "go right". Confident people aren't self-conscious about their weaknesses. If they make a bad decision or err in judgment, they simply try to correct it (if possible), take responsibility, learn from it and turn the page. Or...(more applicable to casual social situations) they just let it roll off their back and again turn the page without missing a beat.
I agree with those who suggested you get counseling. I also wonder about your upbringing and childhood.
A lot of people here gave you great advice. timberline, rbohm, NilaJones, CarbonCountyLiving, and so on.
Stop trying so hard. Stop thinking so much. Take things one step at a time. Try to get outside your own head. Lose the expectations and lose any pretense of strategy. Just get out there, do fun stuff, explore new things you find interesting, and interact naturally with PEOPLE. Women, men, kids, you name it. Learn to engage others in a way that makes them feel good. Be willing to open up a bit...it's hard and sometimes a bit frustrating for others to get to know you if your mind is more heavily fortified than the Pentagon. Many of your interactions will lead to nothing, and that's fine. Some will lead to friendship and that's good. The occasional woman will be attracted to you. If a woman catches your eye and she seems approachable then go talk to her. Show interest in her as a person while respecting her boundaries. Pay attention to her body language and cues...70% of communication is nonverbal. If things seem good interest-wise then ask her out, otherwise don't sweat it. If you're poor at reading people then there are resources out there that may be helpful.
Many men and women are usually at their peak level of attractiveness when they're happy with their own lives and are simply and comfortably being their natural selves. Emphasis on the word natural. (Of course, being clean and wearing clothes that fit properly helps too.) When they are themselves, things such as their sense of humor and other aspects of their core personality will shine through on their own. They don't worry nor care about being perfect. Something not being phrased quite right is acceptable...they're OK with that. A little awkwardness is fine, especially if you can laugh it off and move on. Others might find that endearing.
Interacting with women (aside from those who are very troubled), flirting with them, asking them out, dating them, being friends with them...those things are actually rather simple if you just let it. Get out of your own way. Just go for it. Insecurity, perfectionism, analysis paralysis, etc...those things just cloud up the water and make matters more complicated, uncertain and confusing than they need to be. The only "challenge" is finding someone that's a great match for you...but chances are good that person will cross your path someday if you're out there mingling with others and doing things you enjoy.
The OP's situation is a frequent, and indeed a ubiquitous theme on this Forum. His challenges should not be minimized, as they can't be resolved merely by "waking up", or "improving oneself". Yet neither are they so devastatingly implacable that the OP is somehow doomed to a life of loneliness and lonely frustration. The middle ground, which I propose, is for the OP and persons like the OP to acknowledge that they're beset by a very serious difficulty. This difficulty will take concerted effort and dedication to overcome.
I disagree with those who recommend reliance on counseling. Sure, give it a try – the initial investment is modest. Use every available method, counseling being one such method. But why ought we to believe that spending $120/hour to chat with a "professional" – over the course of years! – should necessarily elicit accurate and trenchant determination of what ails the OP? The brain is an inscrutable organ, and a therapist is NOT a physician. If you have cancer, a CT scan and blood-tests can diagnose that. The medical profession offers treatment. But does the psychiatric "profession" (using that term loosely) offer anything comparable?
And note this: there's a thread currently circulating about how married people met their spouse, with all sorts of personal testaments. The most common means? By far, introduction by a friend (whether in a bar, in class, at a party, at a conference, at work, or elsewhere). If friends are introducing you to women, but your nascent relation with them systematically whithers before it even begins, well, that's a problem in how you interact with women. Maybe there counseling actually MIGHT help. But if you don't have other men – male friends – to introduce you to women, well, that is an altogether different problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by M3Guy
I can't break the vicious cycle of girls smelling the " singleness " on me. So how is this supposed to work then? The only way to become not-single is by acquiring a GF. But that can't happen when they smell the singleness on me.
Insidious Catch-22, is it not? And it gets worse: if a person becomes thoroughly independent and self-sufficient, would he not develop an arrogance of manner and values, where welcoming a new person into his life becomes a small priority? In that case, would he not be brusque and dismissive? So NOT being "needy" is no remedy either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick
you have to change the things you can, accept what you can't change, and adjust your expectations accordingly.
Reinhold Niebuhr's famous "serenity prayer". An excellent idea in theory, but woefully difficult to implement in practice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
If all you say is true, and you are the total package, then your being not just single but apparently UNABLE to couple up doesn't make sense.
It is impossible to be scrupulously objective in one's self-assessment. Of course the OP is minimizing some of his flaws, and even remaining silent on others. Who doesn't? And likely the OP isn't even aware of some crucial flaws. Who isn't?
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
I never really understood the "I want to get married" when there wasn't a "to _____" attached to that statement. Marriage isn't an abstract solo adventure, or something you'd do with just the first potentially suitable candidate. It's a commitment for life. Pretty big stuff there.
It is of course a commitment, but it doesn't have to be some grand and indescribably intense emotional upswell. To say "I want to get married" is akin to "I want to attend (and to graduate from) college", or "I want to serve in the military". Some soldiers just get by, doing their time, doing their 20 years, hoping for moderately palatable jobs and to avoid strenuous deployments, and then retiring. Some college students aim for a marketable major that's not too strenuous, get OK grades and graduate in the middle of the pack. They don't need to be passionate or deeply dedicated to their task as some spiritual calling. It's just something to do. College is a lifestyle choice, the military is a lifestyle choice, marriage is a lifestyle choice. It could certainly be much deeper than that – but it need not be. People say, "I want to go to college"; does there have to be a specific college in mind?
i am no where near the "perfect" man. in fact most women would avoid me if they went on looks alone. but i do my damnedest to make women feel special when they are around me. i try to make them laugh and feel comfortable around me. when i complement them, i dont use the same complements other guys use, i refuse to tell them how "pretty" they are. instead i tell them how lovely their hair is, or how captivating their eyes are. for instance one girl i was flirting with i asked her, "if i said your hair was incredible, would you hold it against me?" she was thrilled about that. another girl i was flirting with, and had actually gotten a hug from, i told her that i loved hugging her, it felt wonderful.
forget about your imperfections, forget about your looks, in fact forget about yourself altogether, and think about her, and what she wants, and what makes her happy. and do be sincere, otherwise you come off as a fake and women the women will rightfully shy away from you.
Wow, you're quite the operator, bohm! I'm almost scared of you, you're so smooth! You're dangerous!
I disagree with those who recommend reliance on counseling. Sure, give it a try – the initial investment is modest. Use every available method, counseling being one such method. But why ought we to believe that spending $120/hour to chat with a "professional" – over the course of years! – should necessarily elicit accurate and trenchant determination of what ails the OP? The brain is an inscrutable organ, and a therapist is NOT a physician. If you have cancer, a CT scan and blood-tests can diagnose that. The medical profession offers treatment. But does the psychiatric "profession" (using that term loosely) offer anything comparable?
Your contrived dismissal of therapy is not only uninformed but dangerous.
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