Been single too long. I have questions (guy, family, kissing)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I disagree with those who recommend reliance on counseling. Sure, give it a try – the initial investment is modest. Use every available method, counseling being one such method. But why ought we to believe that spending $120/hour to chat with a "professional" – over the course of years! – should necessarily elicit accurate and trenchant determination of what ails the OP? The brain is an inscrutable organ, and a therapist is NOT a physician. If you have cancer, a CT scan and blood-tests can diagnose that. The medical profession offers treatment. But does the psychiatric "profession" (using that term loosely) offer anything comparable?
You might find the studies that show physical changes in the brains of people before and after counseling interesting. It's not just talking.
Psychiatry is entirely different from counseling. It is about prescribing drugs, and treating what the OP so affectionately calls 'lunatics'.
Quote:
If friends are introducing you to women, but your nascent relation with them systematically whithers before it even begins, well, that's a problem in how you interact with women. Maybe there counseling actually MIGHT help. But if you don't have other men – male friends – to introduce you to women, well, that is an altogether different problem.
It may be the same problem -- lack of friends, and lack of ability to connect when meeting someone new, are not that different.
Quote:
Insidious Catch-22, is it not? And it gets worse: if a person becomes thoroughly independent and self-sufficient, would he not develop an arrogance of manner and values, where welcoming a new person into his life becomes a small priority? In that case, would he not be brusque and dismissive? So NOT being "needy" is no remedy either.
No. Emotionally healthy humans are warm and friendly, and not self-centered.
Quote:
It is impossible to be scrupulously objective in one's self-assessment. Of course the OP is minimizing some of his flaws, and even remaining silent on others. Who doesn't? And likely the OP isn't even aware of some crucial flaws. Who isn't?
Another cue for counseling.
Quote:
It is of course a commitment, but it doesn't have to be some grand and indescribably intense emotional upswell. To say "I want to get married" is akin to "I want to attend (and to graduate from) college", or "I want to serve in the military"... College is a lifestyle choice, the military is a lifestyle choice, marriage is a lifestyle choice. It could certainly be much deeper than that – but it need not be. People say, "I want to go to college"; does there have to be a specific college in mind?
OK, I'm realizing one reason why I'm still single. Making a long story short, I met a girl about a month ago at a show. We chit chatted about introverts and extroverts. I've been seeing her walking around town from time to time(I live in the city). I was leaving a friends house last night and I saw her walking down the sidewalk. I pass her and realized it was her. I throw it in reverse. I said something like" hey what's up*blank*we met at *blank*". Once it registered t her mind, she walked over to my window and we quickly chit chatted and she was telling me "I live just up the street back there" and yadda yadda. Anyway, I had a gut feeling I could have offered to hang out with her sometime but I didn't say anything. I just said "OK I will see you around". Stupid me.LOL. I think she may like me but I didn't feel like being let down again. I had something more important on my mind at the time and I didn't have the brain space to think about were I went wrong. So yea, that's why I'm still single. It has happened with a handful of girls I know actually. I need to put in effort again.
OK, I'm realizing one reason why I'm still single. Making a long story short, I met a girl about a month ago at a show. We chit chatted about introverts and extroverts. I've been seeing her walking around town from time to time(I live in the city). I was leaving a friends house last night and I saw her walking down the sidewalk. I pass her and realized it was her. I throw it in reverse. I said something like" hey what's up*blank*we met at *blank*". Once it registered t her mind, she walked over to my window and we quickly chit chatted and she was telling me "I live just up the street back there" and yadda yadda. Anyway, I had a gut feeling I could have offered to hang out with her sometime but I didn't say anything. I just said "OK I will see you around". Stupid me.LOL. I think she may like me but I didn't feel like being let down again. I had something more important on my mind at the time and I didn't have the brain space to think about were I went wrong. So yea, that's why I'm still single. It has happened with a handful of girls I know actually. I need to put in effort again.
Well the good thing is, if she lives so close, you'll probably see her again. Next time take a chance!
^^^ Oh yea for sure. I have a feeling she would have gladly accepted my offer to hang out sometime. I just didn't think to ask at the moment. Next time I will. If I didn't, there would clearly be something wrong with me.
^^^ Oh yea for sure. I have a feeling she would have gladly accepted my offer to hang out sometime. I just didn't think to ask at the moment. Next time I will. If I didn't, there would clearly be something wrong with me.
And she's probably thinking "man, why doesn't he like me? I was throwing all the signs out there."
Your contrived dismissal of therapy is not only uninformed but dangerous.
A lot of the guys on this forum who look down on therapy seem to be coming from a problem-solving standpoint, like, "I went to one therapist one time and I wasn't cured so it's all bunk." Or, "only crazy people need therapy and I'm not crazy." It's not about a quick fix, it's about changing your mindset and identifying patterns that keep you from moving forward. Sometimes a disinterested outside party who's not emotionally invested in your problems can help.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 09-06-2014 at 09:46 AM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
It is of course a commitment, but it doesn't have to be some grand and indescribably intense emotional upswell. To say "I want to get married" is akin to "I want to attend (and to graduate from) college", or "I want to serve in the military". Some soldiers just get by, doing their time, doing their 20 years, hoping for moderately palatable jobs and to avoid strenuous deployments, and then retiring. Some college students aim for a marketable major that's not too strenuous, get OK grades and graduate in the middle of the pack. They don't need to be passionate or deeply dedicated to their task as some spiritual calling. It's just something to do. College is a lifestyle choice, the military is a lifestyle choice, marriage is a lifestyle choice. It could certainly be much deeper than that – but it need not be. People say, "I want to go to college"; does there have to be a specific college in mind?
It isn't like those things at all. Those things are personal / individual accomplishments. Marriage is between two people. Completely different dynamic.
A lot of the guys on this forum who look down on therapy seem to be coming from a problem-solving standpoint, like, "I went to one therapist one time and I wasn't cured so it's all bunk." Or, "only crazy people need therapy and I'm not crazy." It's not about a quick fix, it's about changing your mindset and identifying patterns that keeping you from moving forward. Sometimes a disinterested other party who's not emotionally invested in your problems can help.
Yes, of course a third-party with extensive patience and no ulterior motives is well-positioned to help. But why should this be a "paid professional"? I'm reminded of the comparison of sex between romantic partners and sex with a prostitute. The latter is regarded as being tawdry and fake.
I view therapists in the same vein as financial advisors or real-estate agents. They may be entirely competent in their craft, but in what sense are they "professionals" who justifiably command lofty fees? A financial advisor could conceivably protect me from myself, staying my hand from panicking in a brutal bear-market, or from chasing returns at a market top. Maybe. But assuming that I already have a modicum of discipline, are his/her services worth 1% of my portfolio? Similarly, with a real-estate agent, I might gain more market exposure and sell my house faster, but is that worth a 7% commission?
On the other hand, I can't exactly perform a surgical operation on myself, or even analyze a blood-sample from myself. That requires recourse to a trained professional - somebody with specific knowledge of specific practices.
I do however concede that our fragmented and atomized society suffers from dearth of helpful people with whom we could commiserate. It's a shame that the "solution" is to seek a paid professional.
It isn't like those things at all. Those things are personal / individual accomplishments. Marriage is between two people. Completely different dynamic.
Well, keep in mind that in the past ohio_peasant has advocated for arranged marriages and remaining in loveless relationships, so he's not coming from the same mindset as most of us.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
