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I've been single a long time, and just recently rejoined the dating scene. While I'd like to report that it was GREAT, it really wasn't. I had a lot of disappointing experiences because I went into it with the same problems that I had before I became single.
While I've been working on my stuff all these years, I have had a few brushes with relationships that didn't turn into anything that I would have liked, or that I felt I wanted. They did however teach me some valuable lessons.
First, do not go into dating with a sense of loneliness. I thought I wasn't feeling that way, but once I started trying to date, every negative thing really got to me, and seemed hard to keep going... Don't go into it with reasons to reject someone else, just go with an open mind and a healthy sense of boundaries. If you have a long list in your head of red flags everything someone else says or does turns into a potential reason to never see them again. Respect yourself, and other people by listening to everything, and paying attention to what you are saying and doing. Be honest.
They'll tell you right away what they want and need, if you know that isn't you, and you know they aren't for you, just brush it off, the right thing may come along eventually, this is part of the process, not everyone that comes into your life is going to stay. But, you already knew that. Right?
If I read between the lines of what you are saying, I see that you ARE feeling somewhat lonely, you have a lot of fears and apprehensions about dating and putting your heart out there. And for good reason, it can really hurt to like someone a lot only to have them not feel the same about you. But, you have to get up and try again, it isn't easy.
Its our nature to want and need companionship, touching, and love. And we will keep trying. The best thing to do for yourself is know yourself, know what you want and need, and be willing to appreciate each unique person that comes into your life without a lot of harsh judgements. Just like MrRational suggested.
Dating can be fun, and educational, and bring a lot of good things into your life. It just takes some strategy and an intellegent approach to it.
Awsome post! I wish the bold/ highlighted part could be shared with all the girls I have came across.LOL
Ive never found the "looking for a gf/wife" strategy to be succesful in my own experiences. Even if you dont think it makes you seem desperate, to many women it actually does. Assuming your interest is in girls your age to few years younger, youd be much better off taking an outcome independent approach. Consider this, the fact that you have been single for 6 years, is a turn off for many girls in this age group. However, if you were dating several girls simultenously, the same women would die to spend time with you. You also mentioned something about being a nice guy. Read "no more mr nice guy, it will help you out a ton". Other than that, keep trying and stay positive. And please disregard some of the bad advice in this thread telling you to choose sit back and wait for the right one to fall in your lap. As men, we do not have this luxury. Youre going to have to go out and get her.
Why does this (bolded) sound familiar, "Ascended"?
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Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 09-04-2014 at 09:50 PM..
That's the thing. I like different women everything from the valley girls to the hip hop girls to the metalhead girls. So I have a VERY big spectrum. I love the professional ones too.
Your OP sounded like you want a wife, but this sounds like you want a casual dating relationship. Which one is it?
Our advice will probably be different, depending on your answer.
The following reasons are why men your age are single:
1. Lack of opportunity: if you aren't going out to places where you can meet people, then you aren't going to meet people. It's really that simple. Sounds like you work a lot and don't have much of a social life. You need to make a bit of time for that. Rarely do we meet people randomly out on the street and start dating them. It can take a little while to get to know someone before you know if you want to date them. That's why it's so much easier to date in high school and college, and why people end up having relationships with people at work. Try seeking out clubs or group activities that you'll enjoy. At the very least, you'll meet new people.
2. Pickiness: while it's true that you shouldn't settle, I cannot tell you how many men in your age range are beyond picky about what they want in a woman. I know you said your preferences run the gamut, but I can't help but wonder if you have some Skater/Professional/Metal Barbie image in your head, and the women you meet don't live up to those standards. Do you ever actually meet women you want to date? Are your standards realistic? Again, I'm not telling you to settle or change, but you do need to manage your expectations.
3. Reluctance: I'm also amazed at how many men in their 20s are reluctant to really try because they are afraid of getting hurt. Six years is an awful long time to take to get over someone. Rejection is part of the dating process. Does it suck? Hell yeah, but you have to go through hell sometimes to get to heaven. Make the approach. Take a chance. Have you given up on other aspects of your life when they got hard, or did you roll up your sleeves and try again? Dating should be the same. You have to work at things if you really want them. They aren't just going to fall in your lap.
I agree with Mr Rational that you should be trying to date and have fun at this stage in your life. Maybe try OLD, just to meet people. I actually did that when I first moved to my new city, and it kind of got me ready to date again--sort of like a scrimmage before the big game. But whatever you decide, the key thing is to go do it.
The following reasons are why men your age are single:
1. Lack of opportunity: if you aren't going out to places where you can meet people, then you aren't going to meet people. It's really that simple. Sounds like you work a lot and don't have much of a social life. You need to make a bit of time for that. Rarely do we meet people randomly out on the street and start dating them. It can take a little while to get to know someone before you know if you want to date them. That's why it's so much easier to date in high school and college, and why people end up having relationships with people at work. Try seeking out clubs or group activities that you'll enjoy. At the very least, you'll meet new people.
2. Pickiness: while it's true that you shouldn't settle, I cannot tell you how many men in your age range are beyond picky about what they want in a woman. I know you said your preferences run the gamut, but I can't help but wonder if you have some Skater/Professional/Metal Barbie image in your head, and the women you meet don't live up to those standards. Do you ever actually meet women you want to date? Are your standards realistic? Again, I'm not telling you to settle or change, but you do need to manage your expectations.
3. Reluctance: I'm also amazed at how many men in their 20s are reluctant to really try because they are afraid of getting hurt. Six years is an awful long time to take to get over someone. Rejection is part of the dating process. Does it suck? Hell yeah, but you have to go through hell sometimes to get to heaven. Make the approach. Take a chance. Have you given up on other aspects of your life when they got hard, or did you roll up your sleeves and try again? Dating should be the same. You have to work at things if you really want them. They aren't just going to fall in your lap.
I agree with Mr Rational that you should be trying to date and have fun at this stage in your life. Maybe try OLD, just to meet people. I actually did that when I first moved to my new city, and it kind of got me ready to date again--sort of like a scrimmage before the big game. But whatever you decide, the key thing is to go do it.
excellent post!!
number one is easy to overcome, like she said just get out there and have some fun. hit the bars/clubs/singles events/whatever.
number three is a bit harder to overcome, you actually have to have some confidence in yourself, and you have to have your testicles firmly attached and operating.
number two is much harder to overcome though for most guys because they have this picture of their perfect woman in their mind, and they keep shooting for a woman that doesnt exist.
and those that tell you to stop looking for a girlfriend are right. now this doesnt mean stop putting yourself out there completely, it means stop looking for a girlfriend and start just dating to have some fun, and relax. you want to get to know the girls around you, and let things play out naturally. if you get more than two or three dates from a girl, you are doing well, stay with that girl for a while and see what happens. she doesnt have to be miss perfect, she just has to be miss good enough.
and by that i mean, she doesnt have to be a genius, she just has to be intelligent enough to carry on a decent conversation. she doesnt have to be a playboy model, she just has to be cute enough to turn you on. if you like women with long blonde hair, dont overlook a brunette with a pageboy hairstyle, in the end its her personality that is most important.
Ive never found the "looking for a gf/wife" strategy to be succesful in my own experiences. Even if you dont think it makes you seem desperate, to many women it actually does. Assuming your interest is in girls your age to few years younger, youd be much better off taking an outcome independent approach. Consider this, the fact that you have been single for 6 years, is a turn off for many girls in this age group. However, if you were dating several girls simultenously, the same women would die to spend time with you. You also mentioned something about being a nice guy. Read "no more mr nice guy, it will help you out a ton". Other than that, keep trying and stay positive. And please disregard some of the bad advice in this thread telling you to choose sit back and wait for the right one to fall in your lap. As men, we do not have this luxury. Youre going to have to go out and get her.
I know. This is the disturbing aspect of it all. I can't break the vicious cycle of girls smelling the " singleness " on me. So how is this supposed to work then? The only way to become not-single is by acquiring a GF. But that can't happen when they smell the singleness on me.
Your OP sounded like you want a wife, but this sounds like you want a casual dating relationship. Which one is it?
Our advice will probably be different, depending on your answer.
Yes you are correct. I would like a wife. But before that can happen, we would have to be in a relationship for a while. Getting a relationship is the challenging part. I will admit I have got lazy about it. I am exhausted from "trying" so I kinda gave up a little. That's why I want to know how to not care at all anymore and accept that I may be single until death. Not being pessimistic, just being real about it.
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