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Nope. Self image issues were actually one of the first things I worked on once I became single again.
You make assumptions that women are going to trash talk you to your friends and you think that you should even bother trying anymore. That is a self image problem. Otherwise you wouldn't have an issue with just approaching someone.
Nope. Self image issues were actually one of the first things I worked on once I became single again.
Yes, the thoughts you describe are the most basic signs of maladaptive thinking. It's a cognitive distortion, and it can keep you from forming relationships.
If all you say is true, and you are the total package, then your being not just single but apparently UNABLE to couple up doesn't make sense.
Im not the total package. I have flaws like everyone else. I'm trying to figure out what they are so I can get as close to perfect as possible (I'm kidding about "perfect"). I just don't understand how someone can have flaws but still find/be with someone, when everyone is making it seem like you gave to be flawless to find someone. Or for someone that you like to feel mutual about you. I will NEVER be perfect and it seems like because of that, I am doomed to be alone till death. Right now, I am trying to figure out how to be OK with that possible fact.
Your OP sounded like you want a wife, but this sounds like you want a casual dating relationship. Which one is it?
Our advice will probably be different, depending on your answer.
The two aren't mutually exclusive, per se.
I'll explain. When I was around the OP's age was when I met my wife. At the time, I wasn't "LOOKING" for a wife. I wanted to date, and meet women. However, I wasn't "not looking" for a wife, either. Meaning, I was open to marriage if/when I found a woman I wanted to marry, but wasn't looking to marry just for the sake of being married.
Im not the total package. I have flaws like everyone else. I'm trying to figure out what they are so I can get as close to perfect as possible (I'm kidding about "perfect"). I just don't understand how someone can have flaws but still find/be with someone, when everyone is making it seem like you gave to be flawless to find someone. Or for someone that you like to feel mutual about you. I will NEVER be perfect and it seems like because of that, I am doomed to be alone till death. Right now, I am trying to figure out how to be OK with that possible fact.
I think it would help you to understand that YOU are the one telling yourself these things. ^^^
These are conclusions that you are drawing yourself to protect yourself from pain. It's sort of a defense mechanism so you don't have to go through that pain again.
The reality is that you spent probably too long in an unhealthy relationship that started when you were VERY young, and it retarded your emotional growth. You didn't learn things you should have been learning about how to interact with people during that important time in your late teens and early 20s because you were apparently recovering from that relationship and breakup. It sounds like you did a lot of work trying to heal that, which is good.
Of course you aren't perfect. No one is. But the messages your brain is sending you are not helping you any. You are THIS close to giving up, which is one of the main cognitive distortions that can trap you in this cycle.
If you are still seeing a therapist, you should ask about how to stop cognitive distortions, or just research it yourself. You need a new "inner message."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperDave72
The two aren't mutually exclusive, per se.
I'll explain. When I was around the OP's age was when I met my wife. At the time, I wasn't "LOOKING" for a wife. I wanted to date, and meet women. However, I wasn't "not looking" for a wife, either. Meaning, I was open to marriage if/when I found a woman I wanted to marry, but wasn't looking to marry just for the sake of being married.
Make sense?
Of course it does. You date and meet people and have fun, then if you're fortunate it blossoms into something more.
Going spouse hunting makes no sense at all (to me) and seems counterproductive.
Enjoy being single, but don't intentionally close yourself off to a woman who is someone you're interested in, either.
If you want a wife, don't approach as "I want a wife". Approach it as "I'm open to marriage, IF she's someone I truly want to marry". Don't marry just for the sake of it. Date to date, then work out the details if a long-term relationship develops later.
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