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I'm a 21 year old male from Austin, Texas. I am 5'11", 240 lbs (well past obese according to BMI), and work as a sysadmin... (I'm also have a touch of OCD and depression, but I hide it well and am on anti-depressants which help.)
Despite every effort since puberty, I have been unable to find even a single date, and have literally never had a significant other in my life. (Well, I did have one interview/date over Skype, but she never spoke to me again after that.)
I created an OkCupid account a while back and messaged every one with a "match" score above 80% or so (quite a few people), and only got a few responses and no IRL dates. I always wrote messages that referenced their profiles, and the messages were genuinely unique to each person.
At this point, my loneliness is killing me, and I've decided that my weight, personality, or who-knows-what-else is unacceptable to those of the opposite sex. Which is fine, no one owes me anything, but what can I do to kill my interest? I have used every logical reasoning skill at my disposal, but instinctual drive remains stronger, and I'm miserable because of this loneliness. What can I do to get rid of this feeling of loneliness/sex drive?
As far as the obvious is concerned, I've been-there, done-that, own-the-t-shirt, and it hasn't helped.
I also have tried getting pets, and have three cats, two dogs, three rats, and a snake. It hasn't helped, and in the process, I've learned that animals are really quite annoying.
I guess that this was more rant than an actual plea for help, since there's obviously nothing anyone can do, but at least I feel better having got it off my chest.
From what I've been told, you are supposed to find happiness before you look for other people. And to get rid of loneliness, you need friends (and perhaps a sense of purpose as well)
From what I've been told, you are supposed to find happiness before you look for other people. And to get rid of loneliness, you need friends (and perhaps a sense of purpose as well)
Welp... I'm screwed then.
I also don't have an friends either, or at least, I've never hung out with another person outside of work. I suppose you could make the argument that people I know at work are my friends.
I also don't have an friends either, or at least, I've never hung out with another person outside of work. I suppose you could make the argument that people I know at work are my friends.
People that you can trust maybe somewhat difficult to find.
From what I've been told, you are supposed to find happiness before you look for other people. And to get rid of loneliness, you need friends (and perhaps a sense of purpose as well)
This is a great point. I'm involved in a lot of volunteer work and I'm in activist pushing for justice on a particular issue that means very much to me. Getting involved in politics or a cause is a great way to get your mind off yourself and your own problems, and with that sense of purpose will come the confidence to meet people, make friends, get laid, and start a relationship.
I have bad days myself, but thinking about all the community work that I've done and the effect that work has on real people's lives always pulls me out of my funk.
Mod cut.
I know this is hard for you to hear, but 21 is still very young. You have to give things more time. You'll mature ten-fold in the next four years, as will your peers. It gets better; you have to trust it.
Good luck.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 09-09-2014 at 10:09 AM..
Reason: Suggesting illegal activity.
Yes, the cure for loneliness is friendships, not girlfriends.
Real friendships are when you can tell each other anything, cry in front of each other, etc. Focus on developing those before you think about dating. You can't get a date anyway, if you have not developed the skills of emotionally close friendship.
It does get a bit easier, though, as you get older. Psychologically, most women are by the age of 21 where most men get to by their mid-20s or late 20s. Women just mature faster.
Don't forget also, that women in your age bracket have options ranging from men their age all the way up to 30 or even 35, if they so choose to. Throw in online dating and apps like Tinder etc and you can readily see that the competition for their affections is intense.
I'd say focus on yourself for now. Hit the gym and get in shape, earn some money, travel, build up your confidence and your sense of self identity, and read/learn voraciously.
But of course, take the time to party and enjoy. Your 20s are some of the best times of your life, if you allow them to be :-) As and when the opportunity arises, approach women (but be a gentleman about it at all times). As often as possible.
I'm not saying it'll be easy, but you have time on your side, so don't waste it. Over time you'll get better at it. Good luck!
PS: Oh, and if the "loneliness" is just a euphemism for "uncontrollable horniness", do consider seeing an escort. There's absolutely no shame in it, provided the woman you see is of legal age and isn't being coerced/deceived/manipulated about it in any way, shape or form. With the internet finding such a woman in your area should pose no problem at all.
Yep, lose the weight now while you are still young as you get older it will be much harder to get in shape, that will likely help with your depression too. Chances are you will meet someone by chance out of the blue, you have a lot of years ahead of you.
I echo what the others say. I was a bit overweight too in my twenties, then I started exercising and eating a lot better and things changed for the better. Not only will you be healthier and have tons more energy, you'll also gain confidence and it will be much easier approaching women and asking them out. You don't really even need to join a gym, just start by walking a mile or two a day and build on that.
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