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I dont know whatever history the OP has with the other posters, so I'll just respond to the issue at hand.
If you choose to mesh your life with another, these are the niggling little details you have to sort out. Maybe you should break it down financially, say:
"I spent $50 per week for food. I can eat comfortably at home for that amount. Going out to eat so often blows up my budget. I am interested in cooking at home and controlling my portion sizes so that I can meet other health, travel and saving goals. I know you are my big sweet teddy bear and you like to eat. I noticed you drink 4 cans of soda for every 1 for me. So if we are going to eat together and get along and be cool with each other, I need you to:
a) kick in $$ for meals we share.
b) If u borrowing gas money, at some point I want to see that gas money come back to me
c) ask yourself if we have similar goals for diet and dining and food and meal prep
d) lets start using 2-for-1 coupons when we do go out together, no shame, just a financial reality since we've been hanging out for a coupla' months now
are you ready for this next step? Or do you want OUT because you don't wanna deal?"
Why is that a selfish worry? That's a healthy worry. Why are you calling it "selfish"? It's like you've entered a world where everything's backwards: bad is good, black is white, taking care of yourself is selfish and trashing yourself is "good", because it's "not selfish".
Do you see how crazy that is? Now, how did you get there? Think about it. Get some professional help if you need help figuring out where you went wrong and what to do about it.
Exactly.
OP, please stop feeling guilty for wanting to take care of yourself. Stopping off for a burger to tide yourself over while you cook dinner is NOT normal. It's insane. It's very unhealthy.
The words you use to describe yourself and your approach to relationships reveal your feelings. You have enough on your plate, so to speak, just trying to manage yourself right now. You know from experience how HARD it is to lose weight and maintain that. You CANNOT and should not have to try to drag this guy through life.
Please understand that this is not going to get better. He is showing you who he is, and those feelings you have are your conscience.
I say selfish because I feel like I should have the ability to control my eating and work out on a regular basis even if I am with someone who doesn't. It seems to me heartless to drop someone I care about out of my life because I cannot control my own actions. I am hoping my good choices will reflect better on him than his bad reflecting on me, but the bad choices are easier to make for someone who has been down that road of self-hatred. He supports my goals, but he doesn't join in on them. And after I told him he'd have to eat alone if I was not hungry, he got much better about letting me be food free!
He has made comments that he wishes to eat better, save more, and be a responsible adult, but I don't know how serious he is about it, and I am too scared to bring it up for fear of hurting him. He's got low self-esteem, as do I, and takes everything to be a cut on him personally...but I'm also getting very tired of telling him over and over again that I do care and that he misinterprets my meanings, that he is not an unlovable monster, etc etc. If he hurts my feelings and I say so, then he pulls away saying he's not worthy of me and he gets so mad at himself that he treats me like crap and says he's punishing himself for disappointing me. It's exhausting. He'll have an episode, then be ok for a while and I think it's alright and then he goes off again.
So if I tell him I'd like him to join me on healthy train, or that we should work on a budget - he will probably take it to mean I am disappointed and that he is a failure - not as a positive plan for the future. But I know I will have to try. I have to give him a chance.
The other day he got upset with me for taking longer than expected at a dinner with friends, claiming he thought he was being punished for being late from work and not getting to go. I had a good time and he felt like he missed out on a good time. (He was also invited to meet them, but couldn't get home from work in time) He was so upset he was going to leave my house when he had just gotten there 15 minutes earlier. Then he got mad at himself for getting upset he slammed his head into the doorway. I was honestly shocked at how hard he hit himself...and it was a little scary. That was the night we laid in bed and he told me he wanted me to talk about it and was afraid that he'd lose me. I said there was not much to talk about. I went to dinner, I had a good time - I came back and you slammed your head into the door frame and now I am not having a grand night anymore. And no, I didn't say anything when he said he was afraid he was going to lose me. I don't like to lie, and I started wondering if some day he might...because I donno how much longer I can take it, no matter how sweet the guy is and how much he cares openly for me.
My track record with mentally stable men has not been great! Is it too much to ask to have contact with people with a minimal level of neurosis? lol
Maybe I should just go back to being single. Hell, I did that for 32 years before being bitten by the "love bug." It's a hell of a lot easier in a lot of ways. I thought after my last relationship I would be single for a long time, but then this guy happened and it felt right. Now I don't know if it feels right anymore or if I am just being too harsh and not giving a good, but damaged, guy enough time.
He's got way bigger issues than just a large appetite.
I was thinking along the same lines. He's got some serious mommy-punishment issues going here. Healthy men don't go punishing themselves for hurting someone they love:they usually say sorry amd are mindful not to do it again.
OP shouldn't have to be walking around on eggshells around a SO.
I sa byy selfish because I feel like I should have the ability to control my eating and work out on a regular basis even if I am with someone who doesn't. It seems to me heartless to drop someone I care about out of my life because I cannot control my own actions. I am hoping my good choices will reflect better on him than his bad reflecting on me, but the bad choices are easier to make for someone who has been down that road of self-hatred. He supports my goals, but he doesn't join in on them. And after I told him he'd have to eat alone if I was not hungry, he got much better about letting me be food free!
He has made comments that he wishes to eat better, save more, and be a responsible adult, but I don't know how serious he is about it, and I am too scared to bring it up for fear of hurting him. He's got low self-esteem, as do I, and takes everything to be a cut on him personally...but I'm also getting very tired of telling him over and over again that I do care and that he misinterprets my meanings, that he is not an unlovable monster, etc etc. If he hurts my feelings and I say so, then he pulls away saying he's not worthy of me and he gets so mad at himself that he treats me like crap and says he's punishing himself for disappointing me. It's exhausting. He'll have an episode, then be ok for a while and I think it's alright and then he goes off again.
So if I tell him I'd like him to join me on healthy train, or that we should work on a budget - he will probably take it to mean I am disappointed and that he is a failure - not as a positive plan for the future. But I know I will have to try. I have to give him a chance.
The other day he got upset with me for taking longer than expected at a dinner with friends, claiming he thought he was being punished for being late from work and not getting to go. I had a good time and he felt like he missed out on a good time. (He was also invited to meet them, but couldn't get home from work in time) He was so upset he was going to leave my house when he had just gotten there 15 minutes earlier. Then he got mad at himself for getting upset he slammed his head into the doorway. I was honestly shocked at how hard he hit himself...and it was a little scary. That was the night we laid in bed and he told me he wanted me to talk about it and was afraid that he'd lose me. I said there was not much to talk about. I went to dinner, I had a good time - I came back and you slammed your head into the door frame and now I am not having a grand night anymore. And no, I didn't say anything when he said he was afraid he was going to lose me. I don't like to lie, and I started wondering if some day he might...because I donno how much longer I can take it, no matter how sweet the guy is and how much he cares openly for me.
My track record with mentally stable men has not been great! Is it too much to ask to have contact with people with a minimal level of neurosis? lol
Maybe I should just go back to being single. Hell, I did that for 32 years before being bitten by the "love bug." It's a hell of a lot easier in a lot of ways. I thought after my last relationship I would be single for a long time, but then this guy happened and it felt right. Now I don't know if it feels right anymore or if I am just being too harsh and not giving a good, but damaged, guy enough time.
Run! You don't need him. And BTW I don't think he loves you. He sounds emotionally unavailable and needs u to be his codependent. Just say no thanks and quit while u r ahead!
Run! You don't need him. And BTW I don't think he loves you. He sounds emotionally unavailable and needs u to be his codependent. Just say no thanks and quit while u r ahead!
It really does sound like the perfect conditions for a textbook codependent relationship.
OP, it really feels like you are rationalize his behavior because you want a relationship so badly. Of course it's OK to want a man, but it doesn't HAVE to be THIS man, and you are not a villain if you choose not to be with him.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 09-14-2014 at 09:25 PM..
I say selfish because I feel like I should have the ability to control my eating and work out on a regular basis even if I am with someone who doesn't. It seems to me heartless to drop someone I care about out of my life because I cannot control my own actions. I am hoping my good choices will reflect better on him than his bad reflecting on me, but the bad choices are easier to make for someone who has been down that road of self-hatred. He supports my goals, but he doesn't join in on them. And after I told him he'd have to eat alone if I was not hungry, he got much better about letting me be food free!
He has made comments that he wishes to eat better, save more, and be a responsible adult, but I don't know how serious he is about it, and I am too scared to bring it up for fear of hurting him.
It doesn't mean you're selfish. It just means it's not a good match. It sounds like you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to make this relationship work. And that last part really makes him sound like a child. He has a lot of growing up to do before he can be in a successful relationship.
... he got much better about letting me be food free!
You are an adult. These are not the words grown ups use. He isn't your father, he has no power to "let you" or not "let you" do anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks
He has made comments that he wishes to eat better, save more, and be a responsible adult, but I don't know how serious he is about it, and I am too scared to bring it up for fear of hurting him.
He should already have his crap together, he's an adult, not a teenager. It's not your responsibility to assist him to grow up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks
He's got low self-esteem, as do I, and takes everything to be a cut on him personally...but I'm also getting very tired of telling him over and over again that I do care and that he misinterprets my meanings, that he is not an unlovable monster, etc etc. If he hurts my feelings and I say so, then he pulls away saying he's not worthy of me and he gets so mad at himself that he treats me like crap and says he's punishing himself for disappointing me. It's exhausting. He'll have an episode, then be ok for a while and I think it's alright and then he goes off again.
Sorry, but 6 months into a relationship shouldn't be exhausting. It should still be fun and fresh and new and wonderful. You are settling for mediocre.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks
The other day he got upset with me for taking longer than expected at a dinner with friends, claiming he thought he was being punished for being late from work and not getting to go. I had a good time and he felt like he missed out on a good time. (He was also invited to meet them, but couldn't get home from work in time) He was so upset he was going to leave my house when he had just gotten there 15 minutes earlier. Then he got mad at himself for getting upset he slammed his head into the doorway. I was honestly shocked at how hard he hit himself...and it was a little scary.
This is disturbing. No-one should have to witness self destructive behaviour. But you can see he's both mentally and physically in a bad way by these actions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks
That was the night we laid in bed and he told me he wanted me to talk about it and was afraid that he'd lose me. I said there was not much to talk about. I went to dinner, I had a good time - I came back and you slammed your head into the door frame and now I am not having a grand night anymore. And no, I didn't say anything when he said he was afraid he was going to lose me. I don't like to lie, and I started wondering if some day he might...because I donno how much longer I can take it, no matter how sweet the guy is and how much he cares openly for me.
You are articulating your dissatisfaction with this relationship. I think you know deep down it's not going to last because it's a bad relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks
My track record with mentally stable men has not been great! Is it too much to ask to have contact with people with a minimal level of neurosis? lol
Nope, that is not too much to ask at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks
Maybe I should just go back to being single. Hell, I did that for 32 years before being bitten by the "love bug." It's a hell of a lot easier in a lot of ways. I thought after my last relationship I would be single for a long time, but then this guy happened and it felt right. Now I don't know if it feels right anymore or if I am just being too harsh and not giving a good, but damaged, guy enough time.
You are not being harsh nor selfish. You want what we all want, a normal, decent guy with a healthy sense of self, who treats his partner with dignity and respect. Your feelings about him are legitimate. He's not good for you and you are just settling for these dregs.
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