Am I too stingy for dating?

[convextech]

Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks

So do I need to rein in my super-stingy? Am I being a horrible person? Should I just realize that relationships cost money and if I want one I should deal with it? I buy him stuff all the time, clothes and little things that remind me of him...but it doesn't effect me the same as when he drinks or eats 4 times the amount I do when we cook. *sigh*

I know exactly where you are coming from. I was on a budget and my boyfriend and I were big people, but I was actively trying to lose weight, so I only got a salad and/or soup, but he would get an appetizer, full entrée, and dessert. I finally had to point out to him once everything was on the table, that this was what I was paying for, and that was what he was paying for. I had to spell it out to him. I told him I didn't care that he didn't want to diet like I was, just that I'm not paying for all that food that he is eating because I am on a budget. Same thing for groceries. I paid for mine, and I made him get his own cart.

It sounds to me he is the one with low self-esteem. He is trying to make you feel bad that you are eating less. Dump the loser.

[BirdieBelle]

For the short term, the answer is simple: Go Dutch. None of this, "You get today, I'll get next time...." business. No need to figure it out at the table. Every single time, each of you pays for your own.

For the long term, the answer is also simple:

Originally Posted by convextech

Dump the loser.

[eyewrist]

Originally Posted by Swizzlesticks

I need some outside advice on how to handle a situation. I have a boyfriend. Somehow that happened fairly quickly after my last breakup...unexpectedly. We have only been together for about 6 months or so.

He's amazing in so many ways. He's empathetic to the extreme, professed love to me mere months after dating, even after saying he was afraid he'd scare me off with his extreme feelers. I often joke that he has more ovaries than I do! He looks at me with such a tenderness I can barely stand it, I find him attractive and fun to be around, and apparently he does me as well. (Is that even possible?!)
Some guys use that "I love you" because they think that's what you want to hear. It works on most women especially those overweight and rarely hear it.
But I have an issue that I am not sure how to resolve. It's not one of the emotional ones (what do you get when you put two really sensitive empathetic people together? A hurt person who gets more hurt when the one they hurt hurts...oy) Nope.

This issue in particular is mostly financial and dealing with health. He's a big guy and eats a lot. I'm a big girl trying to eat less. We are both not well off, though I have just gotten a better job. I have recently become aware that I get aggravated when I buy groceries and we cook and I have no leftovers...or for every 1 soda I drink, he drinks 4. We eat out often, and I would prefer to pay my own way most of the time unless he would like to treat, but he prefers to buy dinner one night and the next night I treat, basically a your turn/my turn kinda deal. I told him I don't find it fair because his meal is usually much more expensive than mine and I would prefer to just buy my own so I have more control over what I spend...unless I choose to treat, In which case I expect nothing in return. He doesn't understand that and says I am just pinching pennies and that a meal is a meal is a meal. Now many times he will ask "How are we doing this?" when we go out, and it's always laced with "Do you have it? Do I need to get it?" etc. Lately it seems that that phrase usually means "I cannot afford to pay for you, so please offer to pay...and if you can get it all that would be nice." I would rather just assume I am paying for my own every time and that he has his. He will insist on treating me one day, and then later in the week borrow gas money. It is driving me up a wall. He chips in for groceries as well sometimes, but it always does seem like he is getting the bulk of everything no matter who pays for it. I do not think he is doing this maliciously or taking advantage of me or anything of the sort, but I do feel like I am playing a role in "supporting him" which is causing some friction, and it makes me feel like a selfish selfish person when I am relieved he is taking care of his own meals for the day.
You are supporting his drug habit...FOOD or should I say GLUTTONY...yes, your a supporting him it's call ENABLING in the addiction realm. Your just a meal ticket to him...sorry

I am not sure how to bring it up to him without him blowing his gourd or making him feel judged for being heavy. I don't want to hurt the guy just because I'm stingy and selfish.

The last time I tried to bring up an issue relating to this - (He can be insistent that I eat when he eats because he doesn't want to eat alone; if I say I am not hungry he will say he is not going to eat and then get sulky and grumpy. I am gaining weight and finally I had to tell him if he is hungry sometimes he will have to eat alone because I need to eat less!) - he thought I was super angry with him and apologized for being a monster and a horrible person. I wasn't angry with him in the least! He asked me what he could do to help my with my self-esteem plummet surrounding my weight gain so I told him and then he didn't speak to me for hours.
This too is manipulation and cohersion. What he is doing is make you gain weight with him. Just like a drug user tries to get his nondrug using mate to try a drug. And before long you BOTH have an addiiction but in this case it's food and not drugs
.
I want him to want to be healthier with me...but don't want to insinuate that I want to change him either, I just want to be able to have the similar goal of healthy living/eating with someone.
NOT going to happen because he is addicted to food, he's with you because he can get food from you, he is a food addict just like a drug addict.

I don't mind sharing my food and things with him, but it's bothersome that he takes so much of it that I feel I'm off kilter financially or supporting him. He still does laundry at his mom's to save money and eats there a few times a week too so he doesn't have to spend as much money on food.

So do I need to rein in my super-stingy? Am I being a horrible person? Should I just realize that relationships cost money and if I want one I should deal with it? I buy him stuff all the time, clothes and little things that remind me of him...but it doesn't effect me the same as when he drinks or eats 4 times the amount I do when we cook. *sigh*

My response is in brown. Tell him you are going on a diet and not going out to eat anymore (and mean it) and watch him eventually disappear.
If you are serious about losing then:
1. Drink only water with or without lemon and PLENTY OF IT; nothing else and watch the weight drop. Cokes and specialty teas are nothing BUT SUGAR and is stored as fat in the body.
2. Cook at home everyday and take it to work as lunch. Fast food and other restaurant foods are laced with salt and sugar; tons of it too.
3. Walk when you can at work and take a walk when you feel hungry.
4. Get on the Health, Wellness and Fitness Forum here. You will have the support you need and only after you have the knowledge and experience and you help someone else. But HIM I doubt you can help but I can be mistaken