Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I need some outside advice on how to handle a situation. I have a boyfriend. Somehow that happened fairly quickly after my last breakup...unexpectedly. We have only been together for about 6 months or so.
He's amazing in so many ways. He's empathetic to the extreme, professed love to me mere months after dating, even after saying he was afraid he'd scare me off with his extreme feelers. I often joke that he has more ovaries than I do! He looks at me with such a tenderness I can barely stand it, I find him attractive and fun to be around, and apparently he does me as well. (Is that even possible?!)
But I have an issue that I am not sure how to resolve. It's not one of the emotional ones (what do you get when you put two really sensitive empathetic people together? A hurt person who gets more hurt when the one they hurt hurts...oy) Nope.
This issue in particular is mostly financial and dealing with health. He's a big guy and eats a lot. I'm a big girl trying to eat less. We are both not well off, though I have just gotten a better job. I have recently become aware that I get aggravated when I buy groceries and we cook and I have no leftovers...or for every 1 soda I drink, he drinks 4. We eat out often, and I would prefer to pay my own way most of the time unless he would like to treat, but he prefers to buy dinner one night and the next night I treat, basically a your turn/my turn kinda deal. I told him I don't find it fair because his meal is usually much more expensive than mine and I would prefer to just buy my own so I have more control over what I spend...unless I choose to treat, In which case I expect nothing in return. He doesn't understand that and says I am just pinching pennies and that a meal is a meal is a meal. Now many times he will ask "How are we doing this?" when we go out, and it's always laced with "Do you have it? Do I need to get it?" etc. Lately it seems that that phrase usually means "I cannot afford to pay for you, so please offer to pay...and if you can get it all that would be nice." I would rather just assume I am paying for my own every time and that he has his. He will insist on treating me one day, and then later in the week borrow gas money. It is driving me up a wall. He chips in for groceries as well sometimes, but it always does seem like he is getting the bulk of everything no matter who pays for it. I do not think he is doing this maliciously or taking advantage of me or anything of the sort, but I do feel like I am playing a role in "supporting him" which is causing some friction, and it makes me feel like a selfish selfish person when I am relieved he is taking care of his own meals for the day.
I am not sure how to bring it up to him without him blowing his gourd or making him feel judged for being heavy. I don't want to hurt the guy just because I'm stingy and selfish.
The last time I tried to bring up an issue relating to this - (He can be insistent that I eat when he eats because he doesn't want to eat alone; if I say I am not hungry he will say he is not going to eat and then get sulky and grumpy. I am gaining weight and finally I had to tell him if he is hungry sometimes he will have to eat alone because I need to eat less!) - he thought I was super angry with him and apologized for being a monster and a horrible person. I wasn't angry with him in the least! He asked me what he could do to help my with my self-esteem plummet surrounding my weight gain so I told him and then he didn't speak to me for hours.
I want him to want to be healthier with me...but don't want to insinuate that I want to change him either, I just want to be able to have the similar goal of healthy living/eating with someone.
I don't mind sharing my food and things with him, but it's bothersome that he takes so much of it that I feel I'm off kilter financially or supporting him. He still does laundry at his mom's to save money and eats there a few times a week too so he doesn't have to spend as much money on food.
So do I need to rein in my super-stingy? Am I being a horrible person? Should I just realize that relationships cost money and if I want one I should deal with it? I buy him stuff all the time, clothes and little things that remind me of him...but it doesn't effect me the same as when he drinks or eats 4 times the amount I do when we cook. *sigh*
If you two are not well off, why are you spending so much money eating out? It sounds like neither of you can afford it. What are you two doing to save for the future? Vacations, retirement, maybe a downpayment on a house... or is it all going to support his food habit?
You're not stingy or horrible. You're normal. He's not. I don't think this relationship has much of a future. He's childish and passive-aggressive the way he deals with the issues you present. You're a good communicator, he's not. It also sounds like you may have rushed into this relationship, or he rushed you into it, or something. Even though in some respects it seems like a good match, in other ways I don't think it is.
We eat out a lot because he doesn't cook and usually prefers to eat out. I think that might be part of his (and my current) weight issue. I keep encouraging him to cook more at home, but he doesn't cook at his house. I would prefer not to eat out most of the time, for frugal reasons and health as well. My new job puts me at a higher wage than him, and I am afraid that will cause some issues too. I don't want to be expected to use my money even if I have it. I may have 600 in the bank and he has 5, but I don't want to have to be expected to use that - because it's my savings. I want to save more, I have goals for the future - debts to pay off, travel maybe (I finally may be in a position to have actual vacations!) and eventually maybe investing. We have gone over his finances...and it's tight, and he does need another job, but he blows money a lot more than I do...and I like to indulge as much as the next girl. I just indulge at goodwills and discount stores most of the time! And my indulgences to my knowledge have never made me miss rent or be late on a bill - but he has. That worries me for the future, it does.
Swizzle,
Why dont you just stop seeing him for a while and concentrate on yourself?
WHy not? Be selfish and get your own act together, in all the ways that you feel
you want to, and take some my time?
You can't afford this guy, and you are not dating really.
You are better off just taking care of yourself.
Join some groups, get a hobby, concentrate on your diet if you want.
You went from one relationship right into the next.
Find out who you are, you sound young, then the next time you meet
someone, hopefully in a while, you will know hwat you want from the
relationship.
You CAN live without a guy you know.
Very easily.
We eat out a lot because he doesn't cook and usually prefers to eat out. I think that might be part of his (and my current) weight issue. I keep encouraging him to cook more at home, but he doesn't cook at his house. I would prefer not to eat out most of the time, for frugal reasons and health as well. My new job puts me at a higher wage than him, and I am afraid that will cause some issues too. I don't want to be expected to use my money even if I have it. I may have 600 in the bank and he has 5, but I don't want to have to be expected to use that - because it's my savings. I want to save more, I have goals for the future - debts to pay off, travel maybe (I finally may be in a position to have actual vacations!) and eventually maybe investing. We have gone over his finances...and it's tight, and he does need another job, but he blows money a lot more than I do...and I like to indulge as much as the next girl. I just indulge at goodwills and discount stores most of the time! And my indulgences to my knowledge have never made me miss rent or be late on a bill - but he has. That worries me for the future, it does.
These aren't good signs. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. You two aren't compatible in your money-mgmt. styles, the financial goal dept. It's good you recognize this.
For the life of me, I wish I knew what it was with men not being able to eat alone. It's absolutely annoying.
I would stand my ground if I were you. In fact, I wouldn't offer to take him out. If he wants to treat, let him treat, but I would not feel obligated to take him out next time. Instead, I would offer to cook, but only what I can afford to cook, meaning I'm not spending 60 bucks on ingredients because he wants a gourmet meal. If he doesn't like it, that's too bad. Let him find someone else to pay for his overeating.
Honestly? He sounds like a mooch. I would get rid of him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Hickory
Don't mess with a mans food, it's grounds for a nasty fight.
Now women can get by with some "foo-foo" and appetizers, snacks and little to nothing. They also frequently leave and waste food even when they are starving in order to appear slimmer and more healthy than they actually are. Men aren't usually like that. We'll eat all of ours and anything the kids or women waste or don't want too.
Don't mess with a mans food! Think of the dog and what "HE" DOES when you put your hand down there and try to snatch his food....
Oh, please. She is under no obligation to feed his maw. If he wants to eat like a pig, he can pay for it or cook it himself. He's being pretty cavalier in expecting her to pay for his meals when he orders so much more and there is such a disparity in what they eat. It's a form of freeloading. Let him eat dinner himself before they go out. Not every date has to revolve around food. That's how people get fat in the first place.
I think you better be your self for a while. I know how does it feel some one eat your whole week grocery for one night. I agree with butterfly. Just enjoy your life than feeding a big guy. I like what you said you don't like to cook to have leftovers. I always have left overs but eat by my self and my daughter
It's not that he's mooching per-se, but little things like when he came over and said "You ate the rest of the sherbert!" and I said, "Yeah...I bought it.", and he replies "But we got it to SHARE." Those things irritate me. I bought 4 crabcakes. He ate two, I ate one. I had the last one for breakfast the next morning and then in the evening he says "Why don't we have this and this and share the last crabcake for dinner." I told him I ate the crabcake and he seemed upset...but I bought them! I mean, my mentality is "If I buy it then it's mine to do with as I please if you buy it, it's yours...and I'm grateful if you let me have a piece" not "if I buy it I will keep it in the fridge until I can share it with my man and if you buy it I can take it whenever I want." I don't think he expects me to pay for his meals, he treats me all the time too - it's just he feels that his treating should be reciprocated somehow maybe and it feels less like a treat and more like an obligation. I about had a hiss fit when I gave him my card to go into the gas station and get ice and he came out with ice and a few pops for himself, and then asked if it was ok. No...it wasn't ok. And I didn't say anything then, but it really bothered me. It's not like we are married and our finances are linked. That is one reason why I do not plan to marry anyone!
Thank you to whomever said I sounded young. I hope it's because of my youthful flair and not because I write like a child. Ha! Maybe it's my inexperience with men. I lived life without a man for over 30 years, so I know it's a definite possibility, but I also don't want to shove away someone for a silly resolvable reason either.
My sister's ex-husband broke her heart when he said that he didn't think marriage was going to be so hard on his wallet and divorced her. I don't want to be that shallow person that says "this isn't going to work" because I think it's too much of a financial burden to be attached to someone. And he's so sensitive, and claims to be madly in love with me. I've never had a man tell me that and I am not sure how to logically explain "This" is what I need in a partner, and I don't know if we have staying power. He calls me Spock because I over-think and take the emotion out of some things. But it's hard to imagine even getting a place with a man who is late on his own (very cheap) rent, when he makes enough money to meet his obligations, he's just being irresponsible.
We eat out a lot because he doesn't cook and usually prefers to eat out.
Then he should be prepared, at the very least, to pay for his food.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
For the life of me, I wish I knew what it was with men not being able to eat alone. It's absolutely annoying.
I would stand my ground if I were you. In fact, I wouldn't offer to take him out. If he wants to treat, let him treat, but I would not feel obligated to take him out next time. Instead, I would offer to cook, but only what I can afford to cook, meaning I'm not spending 60 bucks on ingredients because he wants a gourmet meal. If he doesn't like it, that's too bad. Let him find someone else to pay for his overeating.
Honestly? He sounds like a mooch. I would get rid of him.
Actionable steps included:stand your ground, cook what you can afford, get rid of him.
FWIW ladies, I have no trouble eating alone... no means no and I'm not hungry means later for you, I'm starving.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Actionable steps included:stand your ground, cook what you can afford, get rid of him.
