Is it a deal breaker for you if he/she has a kid(s) already? (man, husband)
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I never did, mostly because of the concern of a child getting attached then a breakup. However, I've been married 15 yrs now.
If I were single today, at age 42, I think dating women with kids would be the only way to really be able to date much.
Widows would be a bit easier in many ways than divorced women, since there'd be no "drama", but the downside would be more difficulty in babysitting with no other parent around to go on dates.
Yeah, a lot of this kind of thing depends on age. And that's one thing we never break down in these threads. It basically kind of boils down to "what's the *norm* for your age group."
When you are in your 20s and early 30s, with so many people without kids, it's easy to make it an exclusion and it makes sense too since the world is your oyster with lots of other 20-somethings with no kids and nothing to tie them down. The norm at this age is to not have kids.
But when you get into your late 30s, 40s, and even early 50s... pickings are slim as most people are or have been married and a lot of those married people had kids. Like I said, if you are a man in that age group (late 30s into late 40s like the men I date), chances are you yourself are also divorced and maybe have kids too. Ruling out women with kids (or if you are a woman, a man with kids) greatly limits your dating pool. The norm at this age *is* to have kids.
I really think people are just accepting of whatever the norm is for their age. And that's understandable.
Yes it's a deal breaker. Will not seriously get involved with women with kids already. Some women may be lucky enough to find a beta-type man that will.
A beta-type man? I have been accused of being a alpha male many many times, and have the resume and history to show it, but then I never worried about whether I was an alpha or beta. In fact usually I have found that the ones who push that line of thought are usually the follower types, others tell them how to show they are alphas and so they try to be that guy, while they are truly following others and are in reality Beta-type males.
Truth is I have dated single mothers, and if I split from my wife would be dating single mothers again. IN fact in many ways I prefer single moms, they are less controlling with more life experience, and are less worried about every little thing you do.
Having no kids was and still is a mandatory for me to be serious with someone because I don't have kids. I am not enthused about getting into an instant family situation with someone elses kids. Lately I have been rethinking this because of the preponderance of single moms out there. For every single mom I can only assume there is a single dad unless the same dudes are knocking up all the women.
I'd like to also hear from single parents (read, both men and women) how it affects your dating life. Do your standards raise, lower, no change? Not meaning to sound harsh or insensitive but having kid(s) already is a lot to bring into a relationship with someone that doesn't have kids, IE baggage. I could see myself getting serious with a single mom that has ONE child but wants more with me, but she would need to be extra special in other areas for me to consider her with other women that do not have a child yet.
And for the women out there considering single dads, how do you feel about the fact that his financial means are severely hindered by his ex? Friend of mine is paying $900/month in child support for ONE child. If he marries a woman it will factor in his income and hers to come up with a new higher number each month that he pays to another woman. Money that could be used in your relationship that is instead going toward another woman.
I have been with my husband for 12 years and he had two girls, 12 and 16, who he had full-time. I was a party girl, but it wasn't a deal-breaker for me because he is such a great person. Was it difficult? Yes, but it was so worth it. Now they are my kids, and I love them as if they were my own. Without him, I wouldn't have a family at all, because I am sterile. Their mother is still around but hardly ever sees them, and when she does, she only sees my younger daughter, because my oldest doesn't want to have anything to do with her at all. I have tried to get them to maintain the relationship with their mom, but the woman has been in and out of jail, manipulates everyone she comes into contact with, and they see it all from adult eyes now, so they choose not to be around her.
I'd like to also hear from single parents (read, both men and women) how it affects your dating life. Do your standards raise, lower, no change? Not meaning to sound harsh or insensitive but having kid(s) already is a lot to bring into a relationship with someone that doesn't have kids, IE baggage. I could see myself getting serious with a single mom that has ONE child but wants more with me, but she would need to be extra special in other areas for me to consider her with other women that do not have a child yet.
I didn't have any problems dating both childless men and men with children. Sure, there were men who filtered out women with children or preferred not to date them, but overall it really wasn't an issue. The vast majority of men in the age range I pretty much exclusively dated (35-44) were previously married and/or had children. I was involved with a couple men who had children, and a couple who didn't. The gentleman with the two children around my kids' ages, it just didn't work out due to the dynamics of the situation. I knew that the majority of men I'd come across would come with a "history," and typically those who are older and divorced were in marriages that spanned many years. I was with my ex-husband for 10 years, and tended to date those who had similar experience and were in a similar stage of life.
I met my husband on OKC. He was 35, one of the youngest I dated, childless, and not at all looking to get married and while he wanted children, he wasn't sure if he'd ever have one. His previous girlfriend, three years his senior, had two children also. She wanted to be more serious and even spoke about marriage, but it just wasn't right for him. The majority of women he dated previously did not have children. Just me and his last ex.
My having three kids from my previous marriage was not at all an issue for him. He likes kids and has worked with them for many years. So it was something he was pretty comfortable with. Plus, his mom married his dad, who was a single dad at the time. He was familiar with that family dynamic.
As for standards, I had high standards, was extremely selective once my objectives shifted. I knew what I wanted and did not have a problem attracting the type of man I was looking for, especially in areas with a higher percentage of my target audience.
I don't really have any problems dating a woman who has kids, however she has to ease me into it. She can't just throw the situation at me on the first date and demand that I be a daddy, that's just too much pressure from the get go and it's aggressive.
Just say "Hey so, I have a kid (or kids) but let's get to know each other more first and we can see where it will go." I think that's the better way to handle it. It's honest and upfront, but it's not being pushy.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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I think "The ChildFree Philosophy" is evil and I have no respect for it. We need for the human race to continue and for children to be born. But for me personally, I could not be with someone who has children.
My present life situation causes it to be irresponsible, and makes me feel that I would not be a good father, because there have been so many negative experiences and not enough positive ones.
If I were in a better financial situation though, and someone needed help with their kids, I would help them.
I think "The ChildFree Philosophy" is evil and I have no respect for it. We need for the human race to continue and for children to be born. But for me personally, I could not be with someone who has children.
My present life situation causes it to be irresponsible, and makes me feel that I would not be a good father, because there have been so many negative experiences and not enough positive ones.
If I were in a better financial situation though, and someone needed help with their kids, I would help them.
You do know that in the future we're much more likely to have an overpopulation problem rather than an underpopulation problem, right?
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