Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,080,555 times
Reputation: 2158
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Dating isn't really "artificial" though. It is totally natural. All dating is is going out with someone you find attractive, or may find attractive, and getting to know them and engaging in shared activities with. It's perfectly natural.
Yeah but the set of people to whom I am sexually attracted is not the same as the set of people with whom I would want a relationship. In other words, just being attracted to them would not cause me to want to spend time with them for romantic purposes. Like I said there must be deeper feelings, or I wouldn't be interested.
Natural to me is what we were taking about earlier, like you and the girl in high school.
i agree with memphis, lots of rant but some truth.
we are not honest with ourselves and others bek we want stuff we are unwilling to pay for. (the price is often commitment and obligation to meet responisibilities)
when we continue in this vein eventually we end up like very alone and in a hole.
Yeah but the set of people to whom I am sexually attracted is not the same as the set of people with whom I would want a relationship. In other words, just being attracted to them would not cause me to want to spend time with them for romantic purposes. Like I said there must be deeper feelings, or I wouldn't be interested.
Natural to me is what we were taking about earlier, like you and the girl in high school.
I don't understand how/why you've compartmentalized sexual feelings and romantic feelings. When you date someone, they go hand-in-hand.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,058,884 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
Yeah but the set of people to whom I am sexually attracted is not the same as the set of people with whom I would want a relationship. In other words, just being attracted to them would not cause me to want to spend time with them for romantic purposes. Like I said there must be deeper feelings, or I wouldn't be interested.
Natural to me is what we were taking about earlier, like you and the girl in high school.
This makes zero sense. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone your not sexually attracted to? No wonder you're having problems with this. I mean, that's a basic thing.
Of course, there are people I find sexually attracted to that I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with, but I would never want to pursue a relationship with someone I wasn't sexually attracted to. That would be doomed from the beginning.
Deeper feelings take time. They come after hanging out quite a bit, and often after physical intimacy.
But unless you're in high school or college (early 20s at the latest, maybe grad school) that gradual thing isn't going to happen. It doesn't happen for me anymore and doesn't for anyone I know. Life is so fast, and people rarely run into each other time and time again to get to know each other casually... that you have to act if you want to make things happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
I don't understand how/why you've compartmentalized sexual feelings and romantic feelings. When you date someone, they go hand-in-hand.
Exactly. If these are separate, it is telling of a deeper issue. One that really probably needs help.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,080,555 times
Reputation: 2158
Both of you misunderstood. I'm saying both the sexual feelings and the deeper feelings have to be there before I would consider the person a potential lover.
If I just find them sexually attractive, that isn't enough. I have to feel romantic interest also.
Today at work I've taken donations from at least twenty women to whom I was sexually attracted. I saw another three at lunch. I didn't feel romantic desire for any of them.
Three things would have to be true for me to have a girlfriend: feel both sexual attraction and romantic desire, the romantic desire is reciprocated, and I am in a situation financially and otherwise that would allow a relationship to be sustained (practical issues).
Sadly, So far I have only experienced requirement 1. Requirement 3 has been an inhibiting factor for the past ten years.
Both of you misunderstood. I'm saying both the sexual feelings and the deeper feelings have to be there before I would consider the person a potential lover.
If I just find them sexually attractive, that isn't enough. I have to feel romantic interest also.
Today at work I've taken donations from at least twenty women to whom I was sexually attracted. I saw another three at lunch. I didn't feel romantic desire for any of them.
Three things would have to be true for me to have a girlfriend: feel both sexual attraction and romantic desire, the romantic desire is reciprocated, and I am in a situation financially and otherwise that would allow a relationship to be sustained (practical issues).
Sadly, So far I have only experienced requirement 1. Requirement 3 has been an inhibiting factor for the past ten years.
I truly believe too many people make it overly complicated. I've been in relationships where I wasn't always feeling it either, but I enjoyed the person's company so much I wanted to continue seeing where it goes. Where women have to really feel it, men usually have to want to see it.
Like what you're saying neutrino, how can you have romantic desire when you aren't having conversations with the women? That comes by spending time with them obviously. So initially, all you need is to be attracted enough to the person to want to stir up conversation. Then you move to step 2 of how good is the conversation? If the conversation is good go to step 3 or return to step 1 and reconsider what you want from that person. I'm not here to say that dating is ever easy; however, I know people have a tendency to make it overly complicated.
As mentioned earlier, women really want to feel something with someone, because they don't want to waste their makeup and their time. Even more so since they are more connected to their feelings than most men. Yet, at the same time, a woman's mood is highly influenced by how her day went. You could have been high on her list a couple days prior, but a couple of bad days at work and her mood and focus can change. I'm not putting all the blame on women by any means either, because us men are notorious for screwing things up as well.
You just have to be able to roll with the punches when dating and at times it does get exhausting. It's either that or you take your ball and go home.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,080,555 times
Reputation: 2158
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
Like what you're saying neutrino, how can you have romantic desire when you aren't having conversations with the women?
Well, I am, in fact, having conversations. And the result is most women, while I may have sexual desire for them,I do not feel the romantic desire. And if I don't feel that, obviously (obviously to me anyway), I wouldn't want to spend time with them for romantic purposes. The ones for whom I do have those feelings never feel the same way. Hence,I have never had a girlfriend.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,058,884 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
Well, I am, in fact, having conversations. And the result is most women, while I may have sexual desire for them,I do not feel the romantic desire. And if I don't feel that, obviously (obviously to me anyway), I wouldn't want to spend time with them for romantic purposes. The ones for whom I do have those feelings never feel the same way. Hence,I have never had a girlfriend.
Romantic desire takes time. And usually, for me, the desire to be romantic with them comes after we've started dating and being intimate. That is part of the fuel that feeds the fire. Sometimes that doesn't happen, so it isn't a good match, but when it does, it is great. Very rarely, and I doubt since I was a youngin, does the romantic desire come before we're exploring dating / kissing / etc.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,080,555 times
Reputation: 2158
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Romantic desire takes time. And usually, for me, the desire to be romantic with them comes after we've started dating and being intimate.
Well I already said it, but I'm just not interested in doing it that way. I want sex to be meaningful. Friends, close friends, then if feelings of intimacy develop, sex. But the sex is meaningless without the emotional aspect, at least for me.
If I don't have feelings for her, then I wouldn't get anything from sex with her that I can't get by myself without involving someone else.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
