Marriage Isn’t For You (love, single, family, children)
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It does raise some thought , because I usually thought when I find my "appropriate" partner , my life will be happier. However the author extended this idea to the next level by saying that your happiness should be for the family. Here is his main idea :
Quote:
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
Dad was wrong about marrying to "make someone else happy." You cannot do that, even if you try very hard every day.
But the basic premise is right. You still have to try. To have a successful marriage, you have to spend every day thinking about what you can do for your spouse. You consider them in everything.
If you spend every day thinking about all the wrongs they have done to YOU or all the ways YOU are not happy, your marriage is doomed.
Dad was wrong about marrying to "make someone else happy." You cannot do that, even if you try very hard every day.
No kidding. That part is one of the silliest things I have ever heard anyone say about marriage. Completely wrong. Maybe he meant it differently than it came out, but he should have proofread better.
No kidding. That part is one of the silliest things I have ever heard anyone say about marriage. Completely wrong. Maybe he meant it differently than it came out, but he should have proofread better.
I am betting he did. I've always heard it as, "Put your spouse's needs first."
But that is not the same as trying to make someone else happy.
The point, to me, is that if you put your spouse's needs first, then an emotionally healthy spouse would respond in kind and put YOUR needs first. Then before you know it, you both would be spending your time and efforts doing good stuff for each other, and the by-product of THAT is ... happiness.
There is some truth to what your dad says. I think there should be a component in your choice of a spouse that your goal is to make the other person happy, and you will share happiness between yourselves and your children. But there is no doubt that we choose a spouse that we like and will also make ourselves happy. Otherwise, why would you marry anyone?
I don't think he was being 100% specific in what he meant. I don't think he meant "zero self interest whatsoever" but more of a generalization..
I love my gf and I love making her happy and knowing she is appreciated. Does she do that for me? Of course, I love her because we are both selfless and it makes one another feel happy.
I am very anxious to have children. I know it will be several years as we will likely get engaged next year, married a year or two later, then children a ways after that. However, every single thought that runs through my head regarding children is never, "oh they will make me happy," but, "oh I will love them more than anything and hope I can do everything in my power to make them happy and be a good father."
Of course there is some "self interest" for myself with being with my gf. However, it never really crosses my mind. She makes me happy and I make her happy, I never think of "boy, it's her job to make me happy," it just comes naturally for both of us.
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