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Making the decision without consulting you should be a red flag. It could mean that his background is in a home where the husband didn't consult the wife but just expected her to live with it, or it could be his way of telling you he's the boss. It could be that he's not really ready to be a partner in a relationship. He may like you very much, or even love you, but if you two are in a relationship, and cohabitation suggests you are, then you really both need to define what that relationship is, what the boundaries are, what are decisions that need to be made by BOTH of you, and what decisions can be made independently.
I think he wanted to keep control of the housing situation, and that's why he never let you "help" financially. He turned you down because if he accepted your help, then it would have meant that he needed to consult with you before making a decision about "his" house. Since you weren't financially vested, he felt it was his decision solely. The problem is that you WERE vested financially, and emotionally, and physically. YOU lived there, and he should have respected that. The fact that he didn't means that you aren't on the same page in this relationship.
It's up to you how you want to proceed. You are the only one who really knows this guy. No one on this forum knows him. Their advice isn't based on real knowledge. We've only heard your version of things. That said, it does seem clear that you aren't on the same page, and that both of you need to have a clearer idea of what kind of relationship you've got. It may be like pulling teeth to get him to have this discussion, but it's got to be done. You need to find out what his goals and expectations are, how you fit into his life. And if his answers don't work for you, then you need to move on.
Good post. OP, I think you should ask yourself if you want a relationship with a guy who doesn't communicate with you about important things. There doesn't seem to be good communication in this relationship. And you've been with this guy for 4 years? This isn't how people in a committed LTR behave. From his standpoint, it may be an LTR, but it's not committed.
First, never pay expenses on a house where you do not have a stake in equity. Ever. It's one thing to rent a house, or pay rent to live in a partner's house, and then the landlord can use the money however he wants (including fixing up the house, buying a car, or blowing it all on booze), but to pay directly for improvements, repairs, property taxes, or anything that increases the value of the house, etc., when you will receive nothing in the event the house is sold? Oh, hell no. So I'm glad he had the decency to refuse your offer.
As for those saying that it's his house, and he can do with it what he wants, yes, you are right. But it sounds like this guy is doing what he wants to do, when and how he wants to do it, with no thought to how it will affect either the OP or their relationship, and that is not what relationships are about.
OP, if he wants to live and act like a free and single man, then I suggest you turn him into one and leave.
What upsets me is that he didn't seem to consider any of this, or rather, might have assumed we'd get an apartment somewhere together even though financially and logistically that makes very little sense. I do think I deserve, and I'm entitled, to have my needs and situation considered in my SO's big life decisions if we're in a long term relationship where we've discussed getting married. I feel this way because that's what I give him; but now I'm realizing perhaps I shouldn't.
I'm also upset because I don't think what he did was very smart as far as the timing goes. I don't think he'll be able to pull off getting all his things in order before being vacated from the house. He has a lot of stuff. And without discussing any of this with me, or figuring out a plan, now I am in the middle of his mess. I would like to help him get it sorted, but I don't want to at the same time. It's just frustrating.
But as many people have pointed out directly or indirectly, I've basically been acting like we're married when we're not. And that was my mistake. It just hurts to realize that, is all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick
Deserve? Entitled?
That is YOUR side of it.
But it is apparent that HE does not feel the same way at all. Your needs and situation do not matter one little bit.
You are insane if you stay with him.
Actually, PittChick, if they've discussed getting married, then yes, I think she does deserve to be in the loop on these things. People who talk about getting married need to get into the habit of thinking and behaving like they're married, and this guy is doing the exact opposite.
Oh, and Basilide, I wouldn't lift a finger to help him sort, move, or throw out his stuff. He made this decision as though he is the only one it affects, then he can move his crap like he's the only one around to do so. You put your energies into finding and furnishing a place of your own. That's what he did. You are entitled to, and deserve to, do the same. His house, his decision. But also, his house, his problem.
Last edited by Lilac110; 11-18-2014 at 12:55 PM..
Reason: Typo City
The next time someone writes some post about how wonderful it is to just live together indefinitely and how marriage is just a piece of paper, I'll point them to this post. Because in marriage you at least have some rights when the relationship ends. In this situation, the guy is essentially saying, "Sorry. Relationship over. Get out."
And then I will happily tell my version. We were married, we did have a house .. mortgaged solely to me with the deed held jointly. And then when my exhusband decided to move on with his mistress and I refused to (illegally) short sale the house to her for a lesser amount than we owed, he refused to let me sell it at all as a means to retaliate - because he knew I couldn't sell it, and if it foreclosed, only my credit would be affected.
Yes, marriage is nothing but a blissful decision where that magical piece of paper suddenly creates common courtesy without hidden agendas.
And then I will happily tell my version. We were married, we did have a house .. mortgaged solely to me with the deed held jointly. And then when my exhusband decided to move on with his mistress and I refused to (illegally) short sale the house to her for a lesser amount than we owed, he refused to let me sell it at all as a means to retaliate - because he knew I couldn't sell it, and if it foreclosed, only my credit would be affected.
Yes, marriage is nothing but a blissful decision where that magical piece of paper suddenly creates common courtesy without hidden agendas.
That's why when you married, you should have refinanced with both of you on the mortgage. Joint deed, joint mortgage. Single deed, single mortgage. That's the only way I would ever play it.
First, never pay expenses on a house where you do not have a stake in equity. Ever. It's one thing to rent a house, or pay rent to live in a partner's house, and then the landlord can use the money however he wants (including fixing up the house, buying a car, or blowing it all on booze), but to pay directly for improvements, repairs, property taxes, or anything that increases the value of the house, etc., when you will receive nothing in the event the house is sold? Oh, hell no. So I'm glad he had the decency to refuse your offer.
As for those saying that it's his house, and he can do with it what he wants, yes, you are right. But it sounds like this guy is doing what he wants to do, when and how he wants to do it, with no thought to how it will affect either the OP or their relationship, and that is not what relationships are about.
OP, if he wants to live and act like a free and single man, then I suggest you turn him into one and leave.
That's why when you married, you should have refinanced with both of you on the mortgage. Joint deed, joint mortgage. Single deed, single mortgage. That's the only way I would ever play it.
There are a lot of life lessons learned after the fact, and the biggest lesson that I have learned over the concept of marriage is the legal contract that it entails.
Thanks again for the great comments, especially Ruth4Truth, Lilac110 and DC on the Ridge... also others!
Thought I should give an update since everyone has been kind enough to take interest.
Had a long talk with him and we got it mostly sorted. Apparently we had more communication problems than I thought. He gave me more of his rationale for selling the house this quickly and he's been a nervous wreck about money; and yes he's mentioned those problems to me before but I just didn't understand how severe they were because he was so composed and would do it almost off-handedly. He wasn't really trying to hide it.
He apologized for not giving it more time and talking with me more about what to do. I'm coming to the realization that he's a bit in a mid-life crisis mode and not sure of what he wants to do with his life anymore; and it's getting to the point that he's making bad decisions because of it out of desperation (the first being going back to college, which he's not even sure about either). But, you know, no excuse for pulling this kind of crap on me.
Hashed out a plan for what to do with the 20 grand, where to live, how to organize things, etc. I've decided to find a place to live that will work regardless of where my jobs goes, and that will be a good location for other reasons. He requested that wherever I go that he can pay half the rent and live there on weekends and between semesters (what we've been doing at the house). I'm making sure I can afford the place on my own, regardless.
The money works out so that those monthly expenses will be less than if he kept the house, and we're going to save the 20 grand to buy another house when he's out of school and we decide where we want to go (and presumably we'll be married... seeing as I've given him a deadline for that or I'm leaving him).
Anyway, not sure if this is all the right thing, but our relationship is usually really good, and I do love him and believe he loves me, and I don't want to throw it away without giving it a chance. So, we'll see.
He requested that wherever I go that he can pay half the rent and live there on weekends and between semesters (what we've been doing at the house).
Maybe I didn't get a good read on your relationship the first time around, but it surprises me that you're staying together.
I guess I just don't read a lot of "love" here.
I mean, you even talk about marriage equivocally, like it's a place where you MIGHT end up, maybe, someday, as if you two will be surprised to turn around and still see each other and then say, "Might as well."
Maybe I didn't get a good read on your relationship the first time around, but it surprises me that you're staying together.
I guess I just don't read a lot of "love" here.
I mean, you even talk about marriage equivocally, like it's a place where you MIGHT end up, maybe, someday, as if you two will be surprised to turn around and still see each other and then say, "Might as well."
Not at all. I'm reserved in expressing feelings and have a bad habit of trying to rationalize them. When I'm scared or upset, I focus on practical matters (he's a lot the same way).
I could gush for hours about why I love him, how I think he's brilliant and talented and caring despite some hangups, but I'm probably already boring everyone.
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