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It's a continuum. This seems to be lost to internet forums recently, where people seem to think in terms of a light switch.
Most people aren't out on the edges of this continuum, and a lot fall very close to the middle. As the distance between one of either type gets greater, the ability to bridge larger gaps will be more difficult. I'm not saying that it can't work, just that the large amount of effort might not bear much fruit in the long run.
Since you say you are "very" extroverted, and he is "very" introverted, I don't see a lot of connection there after a while. Maintaining a relationship where two people live in completely different worlds might be a real challenge.
I don't think it's a matter of screwing things up, but I find that extroverts simply do not understand introverts. Extroverts enjoy being surrounded by people and always busy. Introverts prefer limited socializing in groups and enjoy downtime and quiet. What you may perceive as being closed off, or a homebody, or liking low-key events and spending time with a friend as opposed to large groups, is simply the way introverts operate in the world. We need downtime to recharge. It's not being anti-social, but social situations are draining and introverts need quiet time or time to themselves, to regroup and recharge.
To give you an example:
I am introverted, however I am very outgoing and have no trouble talking to people. My job requires that I do so all day. By the end of the workday, I am often exhausted from constant interaction with others for 9 hours and look forward to going home and enjoying the peace and quiet, with my husband, also an introvert.
As an introvert, I am tired at the end of my workday so I don't often enjoy going out during the workweek because it doesn't give me time in the evening to recover from interacting with others all day and evening. I do it, but not regularly. And when the weekend rolls around, I do not want to be busy both days and both nights of the weekend. If we go out Friday night, I don't want to go out Saturday. If we have plans during the day Saturday, then I want to be at home on Sunday.
From an introvert's point of view, extroverts are exhausting, need too much attention and excitement and don't know how to be on their own.
Knowing that you as an extrovert do not operate the same way as an introvert, and respecting that introverts have different needs than you do will go a long way to finding common ground and understanding, IMO. Neither is right or wrong, but they are very different.
This is perfect! I agree 100% because it sounds like something I would've written.
I'd just add that I dated an extrovert, and we would make plans to do things as a couple. Next thing I knew, 5 of his friends were there too! That drove me nuts, especially because I worked 13 hour days, 6 days a week at that time, and just wanted time to relax with him and catch up. I would cry and get upset about him popping that on me when all I really wanted to do was catch up with him and not hang out and engage in meaningless chatter with people I didn't know.
Even with good friends, it can be super annoying when I invite one friend out and she invites other people. I try to be open, but sometimes I just can't be "on" enough to talk to someone I barely know. Also, keep in mind that we need alone time. It's not that we don't like you or don't want to see you, but we need time just to ourselves to recharge. Maybe to read a book, page through a magazine or play on Facebook. And we'll do that in silence. Silence is good. No matter how much we may love music, silence is priceless for us at times.
Btw, I'm generally a chatterbox and will talk with just about anyone, so I'm not antisocial.
There are no dos and donts. It varies per the individual. Just pay attention to the one you are dating..listen to their likes and dislikes and go from there. Dont think one size fits all solution applies here.
Ever take a myers-briggs test? My husband and I scored the exact same thing: INTJ. It was a disaster.
This was too funny and so true. I'm an INTJ. I often fantasize about the world having fewer extroverts. Then I go out on a date with another INTJ and I find them soooo booooooorrrrring!!!
I can only speak for myself, but this is what I prefer in someone I would want to date.
- Become comfortable with silence. I often find myself thinking that I wish the talking would cease. Too much talking makes me irritable and anxious to get away to recharge.
- If you are going to talk, make sure there is a point to what you have to say and use as few words as possible.
- We can be in the same room each doing other things (reading, surfing the internet, or just contemplating) and that is more than enough for me.
- I am probably only going to want to hang out once or maybe twice a week at first and even in a relationship I need a fair amount of me time.
- The idea of going out for a night can be fun, but more often than not I inwardly grimace at the exhaustive toll it often takes on me. Small talk parties are the worst - but I have no problems giving a speech to a room of 500.
- Too much noise drives me away. Someone who always has to have the TV or radio or talking on the phone or talking won't be in my life for long or I will seriously limit my interaction with them.
- There is nothing worse than an extrovert that tries to recharge their batteries by being around me.
My sister, my mother, and my niece are social butterfly extroverts. I love them dearly, but they drain me quickly. I once talked to my sister about why she needs to fill every moment with words or noise or human interaction and she said silence makes her anxious and overwhelmed. I feel the same way about constant noise and activity. Her husband and I drove from Chicago to California and did not turn on the radio the whole way with very little conversation. It was the best road trip I ever had. My sister felt this was absolutely crazy.
Think about the things that you need as an extrovert and flip it - finding a balance is important and recharging with other extroverts will be important as well.
Howdy, 31-year-old gay guy here. For the past few weeks I've been dating this guy that I really like. I'm a very extroverted, spontaneous, outgoing dude; he's the opposite. But I really, really like him (I think he likes me too), and I don't want to mess this up. Did I mention I really like him? So here are my questions:
1) How do extraverts unintentionally screw things up with introverts?
2) What things do introverts do that I shouldn't take personally or with which I'll have to learn to be patient (e.g.: how do introverts unintentionally screw things up)?
3) Extroverts who have dated introverts--what's worked well for you?
I know every two people are different, but I'm looking for general advice. Thanks so much.
1) Over time in an evening, if an extrovert continues to be overly extroverted in the eyes of the introvert, make sure to notice the introverts state of being. It can get grating to an introvert sometimes when there is too much human interaction going on.
2) See #1 - when an introvert begins to go into the shell, he/she may begin to look distant. In many cases, don't take it personal because it's a general retraction away from everything.
3) can't answer
I answer from an introverts perspective as I am one myself
I'm an introvert and I've always admired extroverts for always having something to talk about. Some people can just talk all night and I always wonder how and what about. I love extroverts. I can be pretty outgoing myself and wish I was extroverted but truth is, I'm not. I can get along with both types though.
One thing most extroverts mistake me for is being bored when I'm perfectly fine just sitting there and enjoying my environment. I don't need to constantly interact with people I'm with if I'm in a group. But one on one is a little different unless we're listening to music or something. Other extroverts have pressured me to entertain them or say something if I'm quiet after a while. I and probably all the introverts I know hate it when someone tells us not to be so quiet or shy. It puts pressure on us and makes us close off. If it bothers you so much you come up with an interesting topic to talk about.
But other than that I think a lot of introverts wish they could have the energy of an extrovert.
INTJ's are reportedly 1 to 2 percent of the population, yet on this forum I think 20 to 30 percent of people here self identify as an INTJ....... wonder what the deal with that is.......
Internet communication as a whole draws the IXXJ crowd, and especially INTJ. It lets them communicate and socialize with others without having to BE with others, and we see the "J" portion all too frequently if you spend any time on online forums. If you assume an even distribution (which I don't think there is, but let's assume so for now), each group would be represented by about 6%-ish. I forget the exact numbers, but online, INTJ's alone will account for 15-ish, and IXXJ's (which should be roughly 25%) will be closer to 50.
I'm an introvert and I've always admired extroverts for always having something to talk about. Some people can just talk all night and I always wonder how and what about. I love extroverts. I can be pretty outgoing myself and wish I was extroverted but truth is, I'm not. I can get along with both types though.
One thing most extroverts mistake me for is being bored when I'm perfectly fine just sitting there and enjoying my environment. I don't need to constantly interact with people I'm with if I'm in a group. But one on one is a little different unless we're listening to music or something. Other extroverts have pressured me to entertain them or say something if I'm quiet after a while. I and probably all the introverts I know hate it when someone tells us not to be so quiet or shy. It puts pressure on us and makes us close off. If it bothers you so much you come up with an interesting topic to talk about.
But other than that I think a lot of introverts wish they could have the energy of an extrovert.
What you describe here has been my experience with introverts almost exactly, but you won't hear that much around here. (especially the last part, where people will undoubtedly misinterpret what you describe as "energy", but I see where you're going with it).
I toe the line pretty finely between the two, myself, but relative to my friends and this forum, I'm an extrovert...and the feedback you describe above is something I hear VERY often.
I don't think it's a matter of screwing things up, but I find that extroverts simply do not understand introverts. Extroverts enjoy being surrounded by people and always busy. Introverts prefer limited socializing in groups and enjoy downtime and quiet. What you may perceive as being closed off, or a homebody, or liking low-key events and spending time with a friend as opposed to large groups, is simply the way introverts operate in the world. We need downtime to recharge. It's not being anti-social, but social situations are draining and introverts need quiet time or time to themselves, to regroup and recharge.
To give you an example:
I am introverted, however I am very outgoing and have no trouble talking to people. My job requires that I do so all day. By the end of the workday, I am often exhausted from constant interaction with others for 9 hours and look forward to going home and enjoying the peace and quiet, with my husband, also an introvert.
As an introvert, I am tired at the end of my workday so I don't often enjoy going out during the workweek because it doesn't give me time in the evening to recover from interacting with others all day and evening. I do it, but not regularly. And when the weekend rolls around, I do not want to be busy both days and both nights of the weekend. If we go out Friday night, I don't want to go out Saturday. If we have plans during the day Saturday, then I want to be at home on Sunday.
From an introvert's point of view, extroverts are exhausting, need too much attention and excitement and don't know how to be on their own.
Knowing that you as an extrovert do not operate the same way as an introvert, and respecting that introverts have different needs than you do will go a long way to finding common ground and understanding, IMO. Neither is right or wrong, but they are very different.
Very well thought out post. My lady and I are also introverts. Being around lots of people is draining.
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